My Plexi glass cage

You might take from reading my Blog that, everyday being married was a nightmare.

You might also think that, all I have are dark memories, ugly sad stories and complaints.

There are several great reasons for why I write.   I write not to just speak of the pain and injustices I have seen and lived.  But by having a good look at what I have kept secret and buried deep beneath pounds of flesh, I can find the lessons and indeed what is the true gift from these experiences.

I can tell you that in the beginning I was passionately in love with my husband.   I thought we had talked through all our issues.   I had made it abundantly clear that I wanted to know him with his 'Socially Acceptable' mask, off.  We discussed wanting children, he said he wanted three and I had been more satisfied with the idea of two.   He said he was happy for me to volunteer or stay working part time, he said I could stay home until the youngest was four.    I truly believed that we had opened up to each other and allowed our inner skeletons to be exposed to the light.  

In the early days most things went pretty smoothly.   I never asked him to be responsible for my happiness nor did I ask that he look after me, at all, really.   I totally had myself in hand and would do my cheerful best to thrive wherever we planted our roots.   As long as we were together, I would have someone who loved me and saw  me as special.

It was quite early on in my marriage that little changes started to take place.   For one reason, as I lay in bed I started to cry.   My husband rolled over and asked what was wrong?   I said to him,"you hurt my feelings."  He then told me, "Get over yourself, there are people starving in Africa."
Now this is a simple enough statement.  But, when you break it down to it's parts, what was really being said was, you have no right to complain.   Yes, I had a soft place to lay my head at night.  Yes, there was a substantial roof over my head.   Yes, I had prepared ample food for both of us to eat that night.   That all being said, I still have the right to ask for my husband to apologize when I felt he had crossed the line.
Now, we can argue that he didn't know about the line, or perhaps he didn't realize that I was so sensitive.   But that is why you talk about your feelings.   It is not fair to just completely disregard the feelings of your partner.   Now, I know I am very idealistic.   I also look for the best in everyone.   I am trusting and believe what I am told until I see otherwise.
This has meant that I have been taken advantage of.   This leads me to be exceedingly vexed when someone takes my gentle and generous nature for granite.   But I am a slow boil.   I have in the past allowed others to cross the line, and cross the line, perhaps even three times step on me, and then begin to boil.   So, I have had to adjust my ways and learn to speak up when I feel my toes are being stood on, instead of waiting.

That is part of My Life Lesson.   Speak up!

Now, during the years between my dear twins birth and the day that I ran to the Women's Aid Shelter I can remember very little contact from angels, spirit & dreams.   It took me being away from him to begin to dream again.   I think, that the obvious reason why I closed the door to my communication to spirit was so that I could fit in easier.   I feel sure I closed the door very hard when my father admonished me for seeing my Grandfather in spirit.   But I had dreams and practiced meditation until, perhaps when I moved from the US, these things stayed put away and I just was preoccupied with my new playmate.

This strategy obviously worked for awhile.  There was plenty of new places, cultural variations, funny language twists.   Such words as, a biscuit is a cookie in the UK, whereas a biscuit is an unsweetened scone in the US.   A cupcake is a fairy cake, French fries are chips and chips are crisps.   In the UK crisps had the most amazing variety of flavors whereas in the US, there really wasn't that much.   So there was always something to learn and many an adaptation I needed to make.  This kept me preoccupied.   Also my way of working in the US, teaching Yoga and Ballet  wasn't working.   I had to re train and learn computer courses!   Which was quite a dramatic change for me, as I had been paralyzed by my 'terminal' fear before.

So I sailed along, enjoying finally being a married lady.   Which was something I had prayed for and said affirmations in the hope to create.   All these activities too, were dropped.   I was able to keep dancing and I faithfully practiced Yoga.   Although I tried my best to be made anew for this new chapter in my life.   I was going to have to face that my 'playing' my part to the best of my ability was not cutting it!

I think there were two things that were true.  One, I knew something was terribly wrong within the dynamic of my marriage, I did not know how to describe it.   {I also never considered it anything more than the usual petty tortures which humans inflict upon one another}    And the second, My sad but deeply human ego, would ensure that I would play happy families upon many occasions, especially his family.
My friends, and those who would listen for more than 20 minutes would soon hear the of the darkness and sadness.   I am sure, towards the end I cried on everyone's shoulder so much they had damp patches and moss growing on them.
So, I was a contradiction!   I was trying to hold it together and smile to others and pretend all was warm and happy in my home.   But really, I was living lies.   I can remember a day that stood out.   It was a good day, it was bright and sunny outside the large double glass sliding doors in the kitchen.   This image came to me, this image of me, banging and screaming against an invisible wall.    I saw it and just kept my mouth shut.   I saw it again and again over the next year.
I started to meditate again, near the last few years of my marriage.  One disc I listened to often, in particular was from Paul McKenna's book, I can change your life in 10 days.   So, although it took near enough two years, I do think this relaxation cd did help me gain confidence.    That and I was recognized by the Head Coach at the gymnastics club, as an ideal candidate for the next coaching course.   So positive was she, that she managed to get the centre to pay for the course, my travel and accommodation!

I have said this before, but this was the beginning of the end for my marriage.   It enabled me to see that I had use and worth.   Whilst I spent time in the house, reading to my kids, making homemade playdough and other types of play to learn activities, my spouse would come in the door and continually, daily immerse my mind with comments as,"you are useless, you don't know what you are talking about, you have no clue what is important!"    When I was training as a coach, I heard many good things about myself.   Sometimes I felt as if my head was going to explode, how could I be an inspiring creative coach and the most useless wife/mother on the planet?   Surely, being a coach for children under the age of 5 and raising kids there, is a great deal of overlap in the core skills required?  

It would still be several years before I would really get my head around leaving him.   I really did want my marriage to work.   I really did want my children to come from a warm, loving family home, unlike me.   I wanted better for my children.   And even that desire, created the impetus for me to leave him.   My spirit showed me,  I was losing touch with her the longer I stayed in that place.   The longer I pretended and changed myself to please him, the less truth of spirit I had.

The sad truth here is, no matter how I tried, no matter what I did to please him?   It never made him happy and his demeanor toward me only became worse the harder I tried.

So it wasn't a case of, he would say 'jump!'  and I would say, "how high?".  No.   I would jump straight away and then ask, "is that not good enough, how's this?"   I would keep jumping.    This is not the solution.

I needed to learn to be who I truly am.   To honour and exude my authentic self, this is exactly what we both should have been striving for.   This is the way forward.    No one, is worth the sacrifice of your true identity, soul purpose, nor spiritual gifts.   It may not be easy, it may seem as if you are facing a firing squad, but living without authenticity?   I believe will mean living with stress, inner turmoil and eventually illness

I had to go far to get where I am today, to see that there was invaluable gold in these harsh, bitter, days of my marriage.   But the treasure is there,  and in here, in ME!

So, I write my stories to help you too!  Maybe you have a darkness that until it is uncovered you circle the issue?

I wish that you have no vampyres  nor dis embodied monsters to dig up!  

I am going to close with a quote from the couple I have been working with, they have helped me on the digging up and facing of my monsters;-

We need to arrive somewhere before we can leave...
We need to access the old in order to transform it into something new...
We need to go down the bunny hole, find the root issue, in order to pull it out.

Only when we choose to look at our darkness straight on, acknowledge and embrace it, will we then have the opportunity to say good-bye to it. Only then will it feel affirmed, and will stop trying to surprise us in unexpected ways and places, hoping we will finally deal with it.

Remember always ThinkMojo and Be Yourself

James and Mary

www.thinkmojo.co.uk

www.facebook.com/thinkmojo

After Shocks

The safety of the Women's Aid Shelter gave me the time to begin the process of understanding the stress I had been living under.

I was utterly grateful to be away, I was thrilled to have a warm, dry, safe place for myself and children.   It had been my main concern, in fact I still dream of being able to give my children a wonderful warm, dry, bright home.

However, there was fear.   The shelter had other families who felt the fear.   There was also guilt, doubt and anger.   My son, always reminds me of that first afternoon.  As I collected His sister and told the school we were going on Holiday.  The Head and I actually had 'the' conversation.   She was so supportive.   

If you have to leave due to Domestic Abuse, tell people the truth.  Because you will find, they have seen it, or lived it.   They will surprise you and help you.

My son maintains the I am a liar as I lied on that day.   I know it is hard for him to completely understand, to him the world is simple, black & white, truth & lies.   I tried to explain, and then he would say, do you remember back when You loved my father?    That woman who loved him?   She was full of joy and hope.   She left her family in the US and moved to Scotland to be with him.   I am not sure, in those early days if there was something he wanted I would deny him.
When we were newly married, I spent my wages on clothes for him.  I would wait to cook dinner until he came in from work.  Sometimes 8.30 in the evening, I would wait just so we could eat together.   In the beginning I loved him with a fiery passion.


The words Domestic Abuse covers an array of cruel ways one person can treat another.   Most people will mentally jump to the the horrific and violent abuse.    I can remember when I still lived in the US and a good few years before I would meet the man I married.   I worked besides a woman who I confided in about my relationship with Symbol.   She said to me, mental abuse is much harder to get over.   I listened but didn't really believe her.  I said before, when I was in the Women's Aid shelter I was given counselling and that was super important and helpful.  So, I learned that it is easier to write off violent abuse as an act of passion.   Whereas the mental abuse is often prepared and planned to have it's effect build over time.

I found it hard to describe what was happening to me.   I sometimes felt as if my X Husband would  be throwing a net or webbing over my mind.   I can remember, after I had started back to the gym, I was beginning to eat salad's and cutting out carbohydrates.   The best time for me to go out to the gym was over the evening meal time.   Normally I would make the kids Tea and they would have it as I went to the gym.   This meant he had to watch them eat their Tea.   He didn't wash the dishes and often the only meal he prepared for the kids would be the weekend breakfasts.   All other jobs were to be completed by me.
 I can remember, I would have my salad after the kids had eaten and before the bath.  I would sit in the kitchen, often by myself.  I can remember him coming in and starting to plants seeds to ensure I would be thinking poorly about myself.   At this time he started to push me to work.    So this was the Campaign of, "You are a terrible wife for not working!"   This would be the start of months of petty torments.

Those first few weeks in the Shelter were full of valuable lessons and hard all at the same time.   I had a call from the Police asking me if I had any intention of returning to him.  I had quite erroneously imagined that being the Shelter was answer enough.   In my mind, throwing your belongs in black bin bags, taking the kids out of school and moving into a Shelter should have been a clear indication that this was a final chapter.   I had angry texts from mother-in-law.   I had emails from my mother telling me to go back as 'love' lived in the house.   Yes, he still loved me, after all the shocking things I had done.   {Isn't that just so amazing of him?   I should count my lucky stars}   The worst was his phone call, where he snarled at me, "I know where you are!"

I had heard that he had his youngest brother come up and used his title 'Dr' to question my friends about my mental state.   Declaring that he was concerned I was unstable enough to kill myself and hurt the kids.

I have told you, yes, I spent months thinking about self harming.   I was mentally clear and lucid about wanting to live and see my children live in a house where they can experience love.   So to hear these accusations and know that my friends, those who helped, and even those who only knew at the very last were being treated as accomplices.  It upset and darkened my thoughts about my mother in-law.    I was also told that she traveled up that first weekend and spoke in an abusive manner and clearly laid the blame on my Minister.

Well blame where you can, but it wasn't the Minister's fault we did not get couples counselling.  It was all down to my X Husband, I had set up meetings with the Scottish Marriages group, we would need to get to Irvine, and he put up every complaint and refusal he could.   My Father had promised us money to cover the cost of counselling as well.   I knew my Husband wanted that money, but he still refused to even compromise.  As far as I am concerned, if he had the slightest serious intent about making a loving home life?   He would have made it happen.  So both appointments were cancelled.

Every day at 5 pm,  I would start 'shushing'.   You know the sound you make to quieten a baby?   I walked around preparing Tea and cleaning everything and making the 'sh' sound.   It took me about three weeks to realize what & why I was doing this.   I was still physically responding to the past stimulus, that this was the time he would be coming home and I needed all things in proper order.  Also, I was desperately trying not to cry.  I had promised my daughter.   After I put my kids to bed, I would sit and write out, often hammering the keyboard with my pent up anger.   I would write to my Solicitor about what had happened.   Although I was still just on the edge of understanding what domestic abuse was.   I didn't have a good enough handle on what I had just suffered, and really thought that my complaints were pretty darn normal.
In these first few weeks, there were two shocking discoveries.   The first was a diary, or as we were taught to call them at Sandy Spring Friends School, a Space Journal!   I found this entry,  at first I was sure I hadn't written it, as the had writing was so poor.   When I read the few short sentences I remembered the night I had written it.   I had spent that night, hiding and trying to sleep under the table that was beneath the stairs.
The journal entry was about a very dark and rainy night.   The boys all shared one room at this time so the twins were just about two.   I was trying to get some distance between him and me.   He was fuming about something and I didn't want to get into it with him that night.    One of my regular ways of coping when he became unbearable, was to go for a long walk.
This night, he forbade me from going out for a walk.   I still put my coat on and quietly went out the front doors.   I made it to the first set of three stairs when he grabbed me from behind, knocking me almost flat to the ground, he then dragged me back in the house.   He shouted at me at the top of his lungs,"I am going to wake up the children and show them you are abandoning them!"   I was so shaken and traumatized by being grabbed from behind, and now emotionally blackmailed that the children would be told something horrible and untrue, that I couldn't speak.  That was the night he kicked the door to the boys' room, it never sat properly on the hinges after that night.   I would do anything to keep him from harming the kids, especially this perversion of the truth.   I was trying to escape from his cruel tyranny, not from my children, in any shape or form.

The next revelation was a gift to me from my dreams.  This would be my first dream or gift from the realm of the ethereal world in years.   In my dream I was in the bedroom my X Husband and I shared.  He was getting ready for work.  He had on his high quality trousers and dress shirt and was adjusting his tie.   He walks out of the room, and in my head I hear, if he is gone, where am I?   Then, I am taken to the space between the end of the bed and the mirrors, there on the carpet are shards.     It was like a broken light bulb, except the pieces were of various colours, red, gold, green and just one eyeball.   As I looked down on what I knew to be my only remains, I want to cherish them and scoop them up gently.
I awoke instantly and saw that it was just 3 am!   I knew this dream was significant.   I knew this was full of meaning.   It took me a little while to realize that these shapes of colour signified, the only parts of me that were left untouched by his judgement.

If you are wondering how words can cut you so deeply, I will share with you what a friend said to me just a few months before I left him.   This friend had watched him father destroy his mother, and his father re married and did the same to his step mother.   He said to me,"Your Husband is doing to you with his arguments exactly the same as he would with a fist."

There was another individual who spoke to me and made me see that the even if I couldn't justify leaving him, I could not call our marriage credible.    This complete stranger who spoke to me, said words that opened my eyes to how far away from healthy our relationship was.   Her words really shook me to the core, and made me see how my marriage was a farce.   She said."Gosh, if you are really hurting that much, you must tell him.   He is after all your life partner."
For two weeks, all I could hear were those words, Life Partner.   What does a Life Partnership look like?
There was nothing in our relationship that was looked or acted remotely like a Life Partnership.   A Life Partner would be someone you could make important decisions with.   A  Life Partner would have your best interests at heart as well as their own.   A Life Partnership would not entitle one person to have total control of every aspect of every decision!
A loving equal relationship is the only way to walk the journey of life for more than a few months.

I am still looking for ways to be partners with friends and co workers in life.   I think if we really treat each other with respect and take time to really listen.   If we just help each other, a little bit.   I am sure we will find there is a way to make more of our lives and time.   That we can really create a better life for ourselves and our loved ones.   The possibilities are all within us to make love and joy or anger and hate.   You make the choice.

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The line in the Sand

I had my fill.    I felt dead inside, there was nothing left to concede.

I spent many, many, many hours pondering everyday,'how can I manage the twins in the double buggy, my daughter & son and a suitcase?'

It was an impossible escape to visualize.  

So I started to try and make it smaller.

I started to imagine just taking two children.

But this became a conundrum whose answer was only heartbreaking abandonment.  I could never turn my back on any of them.  

It was my Achilles' Heal and He know it and used it against me.

I have this memory of a very loud fight we had when the twins were just at the stage of crawling.   I remember him picking them up, he held them by their bellies, not in supported and secure way.   He shouted,"You won't take my babies!"   I was gobsmacked and panicked.  I was worried for the twins safety.   It was a very clever ploy, as I would not leave without my children and all I wanted in that moment was to ensure they didn't fall!
{What is really harsh?    As I write from this perspective;- that being 6 years since I fled and having the legal paperwork all signed, sealed and delivered,  it hurts me in another way.  Although I can see how he was manipulating my own convictions against me, I can see how damaging all this must have been for my young children}  

This type of emotional blackmail, the reversal of truth is also a common theme with those who bully and abuse others.   It is like, they have to invert your thinking so as to get your compliance.

It does work.   As my Blog clearly tells you.   Just remember, it is your choice, if you think chaining someone to your side is security.    There is a place in the Bible where the meaning of the words were, what you do to another, you are doing to yourself.   When I became aware of how many messengers were trying to get me to see, hear and awaken to the fact that he was hurting me in a way that was not within the 'normal' or 'acceptable' parameters of long term relationship 'stuff'!

{Oh, yes!, treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen.}   This is a great way to keep your lover by your side.  But it is just like using a tissue with sneezing powder in it.   Momentary relief, followed by the action that you so dreaded coming to fruition.    I would recommend to you, if you think you are going to keep your partner by your side by putting them down?   It is my prediction You will end up bitter and alone.

So, it is nearly a year to the day that we were alone with the twins in America.   We are going to visit my family again this July.   As, pretty much been our pattern since I married him.   But things are 3 day old fruit rotten.   A really lovely, wonderful, beautiful, helpful, compassionate young woman once shared with me how she understood her first husband's abuse.   She called it 'Bubble and Squeak'.   What the pattern was, as they would drive to visit her family, he would spend the entire journey nipping at her head.   So, she was all brow beaten before she got to family's home.   {Which if you think about it, this should be her power zone.   Any Football team plays better at home, I know it is a generalization but you get why an abuser has to ensure alienation between the family and their partner.}   Then, as they walk in the door, he asks if she would like a cup a Tea, as sweet and gently as a loving partner, then my friend would explode!   Her family then would turn on  her, why are you being so mean to him?

Within the month of our departure, my X Husband and I had a this argument.   He had me cornered in the lounge.   He was screaming at me.   It wasn't a housework chore that I had failed in.   I think this was just about me and my family.   That my family don't love me, they really only love him.  We have to go because of you and the kids and  I don't want to.   He carries on until he is standing just an inch from my face screaming at me, "You are crazy, Your whole family knows you are crazy!   Why should they bother with you at all!   Fiona and I don't want to go the States!   Why do you insist on forcing us to go every year!"   I think I had no true come back or support for my side of this argument, as I was beginning to see as he 'showed' me certain information about my family.   I think I screamed at him,"You make me so angry!   I want to hit you!"  Standing there with his closed hateful expression before me, he shouted back,"Hit me!   Go On!   I want you to hit me!   Then I can call the Police and finally get you put away!"

That wasn't the end of it.   He kept on at me for another ten minutes before departing with the cutting shot, "I knew you were to pathetic to hit me!"   Oh, great.   More self loathing for me.

But it was, the threat of being institutionalized, which spun out of the You are crazy campaign.   Also, this new level of intensitiy, to get me to be the one guilty of some breach of basic human decency.   Then to have the utter gaul to make me feel like a useless person for not crossing that line!


If I tell you he had me screwed coming and going!   Can you begin to see it?    Because there is more.   But this is one of the clearest examples.   Also it really left me in a profound confusion.   It was scary and horrific to be threatened into that corner, but to be made to feel like a slow minded, ineffectual person for Not Losing Control?
I didn't know how to express what was going on.   As I said, the amount of physical abuse was minimal.  It was more these clever mental labyrinth's.   I am only now able to express all this to you, because of the distance and because of the great work the Councillor through Women's Aid.  


It was my Mother, the child Psychologist who mockingly said to me,"you don't think he is sitting on the bus trying to figure out how to create an argument that cuts you in two ways!"

My Councillor said to me,"With violent abuse you can dismiss a small amount due to passion.   However, with Mental/Emotional abuse, it is premeditated."

{Sorry Mom, go pick up a recent journal because you really haven't kept up.  No points this round}

To say, I didn't feel supported by my family, would be correct.   This summer, my X got my mother, stepmother and brother all to host a intervention for our marriage.  He accused me of being unfaithful. 

 {If it weren't for my friends, the ones from the hospital Breast Feeding support group?   I think I would have just caved in and become a complete non person or found a way to end my life.   One of my friends from the group, after I shared with her what happen on our summer holiday, she laughed so hard!   "Right, Cyn", she said.   "When exactly is this affair taking place?   3 am?   You have four kids, the twins are in Nursery, one in the morning class and one in the afternoon.   You work a part time job 3 days!"   Thank God for friends, because I really think my family still think there is some truth to that.}
But their decision to support him and his lies, have put a Military grade Barricade between our hearts!  
The only tiny kernel of truth in the statement that I had an affair, was that my heart, was dead to the man I was married to.   I had fearfully approached telling him this.  Because I had nothing left to give, I was beginning to hide the things that I did care about, so that he wouldn't have anymore ability to hold things over me.

So, we came back from the US.   I had such a profound sadness returning to Scotland that year.  It was due to the fact that I could not see my family understanding that I would leave my husband because of his cruelty alone.  
I felt entirely unheard,  even worse, not listened to and ignored.  I would have to act alone.  {In the end I had such a tremendous amount of support, from true friends, who helped me get to a Women's Aid worker and prepare for when the apartment was ready.}

Before this date, before I knew I would run, with all four of my cherubs, he would cross the line that ensured there would be no way I would ever consider any reconciliation.  

 It was the week before the schools went back.  My spouse should have felt relaxed, after all he won over all my family to his side.  Our relations were like the Russians and Americans during the Cold War.  So, we had another round of him standing in my face screaming, "Hit me!   I want you to hit me!"     I had seen a sign up at the Gymnastics club were I was coaching part time.  They were looking for a Women's Artistic Coach.   I just felt within me a level of excitement when I saw that sign.   But, I had forgotten my place.

The next morning, I woke up, in the mornings I would either duck into the twins bedroom, there was a small TV there and I could do a morning work out, or I would hunker down in bed until he left.   He never left for work that morning.   So, reluctantly I got up and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea.
He was standing, chatting to the kids and cooking bacon for them.   I was going to stay to the edge of the kitchen and out of his road.   However, he launched at me!   He had my back up against the patio doors and the knife he had been cutting the fat off the bacon with right up to my face.  It was between my eye line and nose.  I could see his hand was shaking and my mind was reeling!   He started shouting at me,"Tell the truth, tell the children the TRUTH!"  

I don't remember the children making a noise.   I do not remember speaking back.  I just remember  the light on the knife and the trembling of his hand.  

I ran to the phone, I called my Mom, I called my Brother.

My Mother's husband has forbidden me from calling.  He said,"I don't care how bad your fights are."

My Brother however did try and talk us both down.   He was on his way to work and really didn't have much time.   I remember my X trying to show my brother how bad I was because I used a few swear words.   I probably didn't articulate well.  

The line that he crossed here, was that this act took place in front of all four of our children.   They were not playing, they were all up in seats facing him, as he made that show of being home and cooking their breakfast.   I have never asked the kids if they remember.   I have been told I could use them in court as witness'.   But, how could I?   Would you be able to stand up and say bad about one parent?   You are a product of both parents.  It is not their place.

So that was the final straw.   I had my date.   I had less than a month to wait.  I just had to keep my nose clean.

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Radiant Healing Arts: Campaigns and Head games

Radiant Healing Arts: Campaigns and Head games: It was the summer before   I finally stopped the progressive, downward, WALKED ALL OVER, erosion of my personality and stood up for mys...

Radiant Healing Arts: Surrounded by Darkness

Radiant Healing Arts: Surrounded by Darkness: There is a period of 8 months, in my marriage,  that I will always think of as the darkest, coldest and most challenging for me. It was ...

Surrounded by Darkness

There is a period of 8 months, in my marriage,  that I will always think of as the darkest, coldest and most challenging for me.

It was quite a challenge for me after the twins were born.   I didn't really have tremendous gaps between my babies.  I had twenty months between my first and my second child.   There were 2 years between my second child and the twins.   Now, I have to take my share of the credit here.   When my number 1 son was born, we lived in the Middle East and our lifestyle was astoundingly fabulous.   Yes, the constant sun and heat made you forget what month you were in.   I think there was once a quick rain shower,  but in the two years we were there, it was pretty much sunny and hot everyday.   I loved it!
Except at Christmas, then it seemed really odd to have a full roasted meal, while sitting out in your swim suit.  {To be honest, our first year there, Christmas fell during Ramadan, which is the Muslim equivalent to Catholic's Lent.   It is a festival of fasting and prayer.   So we had our Christmas at my Husband's favourite place, where he could go diving, and they put up this screen so as no Muslim's would be offended as we  feasted, on the beach in the sunshine.   That is Not Christmas at all!}
Sometimes I have a similar problem living in Scotland.   Not that there is so much sun, actually, it is often very dull and rainy.   The interesting thing is, there isn't of a great variation in the temperature.   For example, in June this year, it was so cold and wet, when I drove to the grocery store I saw people in winter hats and coats.  If I hadn't known it was just weeks from the schools closing for summer, I would have guessed the month as late September.

So after nearly two years, of having a relaxed work life for my Husband.   While we lived in Oman, we had plenty of money coming in on just his salary,  we sent half of it to the UK where it covered the mortgage and other expenses.   I taught a few classes after my son was born and made enough to pay for us to have a 'date night'.   I also had a woman come and help me three afternoon's each week.  She and my infant son had bonded very well.   I also had a profound fondness for her.   I would miss her tremendously.  It was during this time that I prayed for another two children.   In my mind, this prayer covered my intention to have one at 38 giving my son a few  years of quality time with me.   Then another baby at 40.   But, as they always say, be careful what you wish for, as you just may get it.

When we left Oman, unbeknownst to me at that time, I was carrying my twins.  We then spent a lovely week in France were I drank wine and ate soft cheeses, just about everyday!    I am very blessed to have two perfectly healthy, strong twin sons.   They are just as precious as sunshine to me.    {And if anyone thinks I only love my twins?  I just want to state categorically and emphatically, I have a total, overwhelming, all encompassing heart feeling for all four of my children}  But, when I had that initial scan, they gave me a lecture on being a geriatric mom!   I was 35!   So, I am especially glad it all worked out, as the midwife and nurse were showing me charts of all the chromosomes and how many things could go wrong with my pregnancy.   They wanted me to have amniocentesis.  This procedure carries a spontaneous abortion risk, and as they were convinced the twins were non identical, I would have had to have two!
On This day I stood up and told them, there was no way I was testing for any conditions!   I loved these two tiny souls that I was fortunate enough to be blessed with.
This event, my standing up to the Nurses was significant to my Husband.  Perhaps some of the bottled up rage I was suppressing was dished out on those two unsuspecting medical professionals.   This story also kicked off some problems for me with my family.   My stepmother was quite incensed that I wouldn't have the tests.   She said I was being completely selfish.   That if the twins or one of the twins was NOT CONSIDERED 'NORMAL' I was imprisoning my daughter's life to looking after them.    That was a very dark day.

So, I did what I could to ensure two healthy babies, although I think ultimately that may be entirely out of my control.

So the twin pregnancy was hard work.  Raising the children, who were aged 3,  2 and two infants, was a baptism by fire.   To be honest, I believe I didn't have a full night sleep for 7 years.

But, that is nothing!

I think the lack of sleep plays into how both Symbol and my X Husband gained so much leverage over my mind.   It could also, very well explain how I was so docile.  You need energy to fight.  

I don't want any of my Treasured children to think they had anything to do with the problems between their father and me.   However, I believe the abuse was the worst, that the gradual build up over the years in our marriage.   The initial first arguments where he taught me my feelings have no value.   To the grand scale we were at this moment, where I am equal to the scum under the carper.   The abuse was just like an infection.   It was insidious, marking the darkest time shortly after the twins were born.

 I have tried to describe to you how his mental abuse was often launched in waves, or campaigns.

This period was about him showing me, how superior and invaluable he was.   Perhaps he felt a bit unimportant because I was all about the kids?
He would always tell me I had all day to play and watch whatever I wanted on TV.   {Which is a ludicrous statement.   Perhaps a man would watch adult TV with their children but I maintain any parent who cares about their kids, puts on kids TV!}   To say that I had all day to play was  a serious undermining of my belief in my role as Mother.
I can remember him making this point, he discussed this at length with my stepmother, who agreed that children would be best watched by a talented chimpanzee.   I was cooking the lunch and setting the table while they stood in the kitchen having this intellectual dialogue.   I felt so enraged, that what I was doing, precisely at that moment, was being described as a chore to be fobbed off on anybody, even a less than human being!
{I know anger was churning inside me as I called the children to the table and made sure they all had some tomato soup.   I remember that my son put his hand right into the bowl of soup, burning the palm of his hand!}   This is something special about my son.   Whenever I was wound up or emotionally in turmoil he always acted out!
So, I had 4 young children.  The twins had seperate feeds at night, and were completely different in nature too.   The youngest was a lark, he would go to bed at 6 pm and get up at 6 am.   His older brother wanted to stay up late and then sleep in.   My eldest was a busy girl, always busy, and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open during the day.

I remember, my X-Husband made a big song and dance about leaving work early so he could come home.   His idea of a contribution?   Was sitting out the back, smoking, drinking beer and reading the newspaper.   One of the afternoon's he graced us with him coming home, I took the three youngest and tried to get us all, to have a nap.   I was awoken to hear him giving our daughter an earful of trouble.   I walked out of the bedroom to find my Husband and daughter in the kitchen,  she had happily taken a family sized Baby Powder container and decorated the dinner area with a layer of white dots.   {I do so hope you are laughing, because it is quite a precious snapshot of any nearly 4 year old child}   Now, of course, this was all my fault!   She should not have had access to Baby Powder!   He shouts at me.   {This is so great, I really want to laugh as I remember this incident!} Honestly,  I think we were terribly lucky, as he really had no idea how to be responsible for looking  after a child.   I can just imagine this same day, what if our daughter had found a bottle of tablets, now the twins were delivered by cesarean section.   That means, heavy pain killers afterwards.   I mean, we were so lucky.

Okay, so I wasn't sleeping much at night, I never got a chance to take a catch up sleep during the day.   I was being told that my life was comfortable and easy, that I could do everything I wanted when I wanted and had no reason for complaining.   Well, to be honest, I was exhausted and felt overwhelmed with making school runs and Toddler groups.   I often found that I had to carry the elder of the twins, he was amazingly hungry, and carrying him on my forearm whilst rubbing his back was about the only thing that kept him from grumbling all day long.
 He started to settle when he moved onto mixed feeds. I can remember being so fatigued, one day, as I was folding the laundry and I lifted up this Tea towel.   I wondered if I put it over my head and closed my eyes, would anyone notice?
I did do this,   I remember my son, calling for me.   I could hear his voice as if coming from another galaxy.   I am feeling some sadness for him right now.  I wish I could have coped better for his sake.  I would have loved to give him more one to one time.   I really wanted that for him.
I had and do still have a bit of guilt over what happened during these agitated years.

So, my husband had started this line of abuse that went, "you should be grateful for the food I let you eat.   You should be grateful for the roof I put over your head.   You should be grateful that I let you stay here when you don't earn any money!"   {Before the twins were born, he came home from work and gave me an earful of, "You would be happy If I quit my job and we all lived on the Dole!"}  I am not entirely sure what I had done to set this off.  I might have asked why he was home after 8.30 pm.   Perhaps I said it would have been nice for him to put his kids to bed.   But I actually think he had been out with his friend down the Pub.   {Sometimes when I really look at his behaviour, I think he said the most contradicting things he could so as to project his own guilt and decent onto me}

During this time,  I would have coffee to stay awake.   Which, if you truly know me, you would know,  I love the smell of coffee but I am not keen on the taste and I hate the way it makes me feel.  But I needed it!   Then, I would drink a few Diet coke's, which, by the way, have the same amount of caffeine as coffee!   Then, all those stimulants would all build up and by Thursday I would need almost an entire bottle of wine to calm down enough to fall asleep, before the first feed!    {I had some health problems after having my babies that close.   I had severe tearing with the delivery of my eldest son.   So the muscles were compromised.   Then, there is the effect of all the caffeine I was drinking, and the weight gain from the pregnancies and I had weak pelvis muscles, so sneezing meant other complications}   I had to go the Hospital it was very inconvenient, but it helped me learn with a better diet and a few exercises I could get control of this.  
But, the toll of the routine was wearing on me too.   I would get the TV usually on a Thursday night, that was when I would splurge for my wine.  I remember, the TV show,  Desperate Housewives was just being aired.   I liked it at first and then, I started to see myself in the characters and couldn't watch it anymore.   It made me feel too much.  I didn't want to really face how out of my depth I was at times.

You know how I said, how lucky we were that my daughter never stumbled onto something dangerous?   Yes, I was lucky, because sometimes it would have been so easy for me to miss something.   My mind really wasn't able to focus.   {I can remember a research paper came out the year I had my daughter.   It proved that a woman's brain shrinks during the first year of her baby's life.   This is actually a very shrewd plan.  I mean, honestly, you can look after a baby and feel as if all you do is the same few tasks.  Feed the baby, change the baby, rock the baby, and repeat.}
But, I had this other burden, I had this husband who needed me to, {my guess at this moment is} praise him.  Because, his current line of attack,  during this period, was of, "You should be grateful to me everyday".  
In a very adult context, I now wonder if he wanted me to ingratiate myself to him, by giving him some one to one time.  
I would never have gone near him like that.   I still remember what he said to my stepmother when she came to see the twins.  I was nursing them and he turned to her and said, "disgusting breasts, like swollen balloons".  He said he was having a fun joke with her.  It just instilled with me a deeper sense of shame.

So, daily he would have to shout at me, after coming in the door.   His house wasn't run to his liking.  Then I was physically not to his liking.  

When I sat up on a Thursday I often considered finding a way out.   At that time, having the energy to pack a bag and walk out the front door for more than 15 minutes would have been too exhausting.   Also at that time, I just didn't consider walking out the door.  I wanted to keep my babies safe, warm and dry.   I had the most elevated duty, I had four beautiful children and I wanted only the best for them.   I wanted to ensure they had their basic needs met, to have clean clothes, enough food and a wonderful array of learning experiences.   I played different music for them.   I tried to read books and do puzzles.   Mostly I wanted them to know they were loved.   So I was doing all I could to keep their father erupting like some cruel  human volcano.   So I did  what I learned in childhood.   I dance on eggshells to keep him from being so unhappy.
Then he raised the bar.  
He told me I should worship at his feet that he let me live under his roof.  
So, I did.
 I got down and prostrated at his knees.  
It was wrong, I felt wrong doing it, and the look of disgust on his face made me hate myself even more!  
At night, I started to walk into the kitchen and look at the biggest knives we had.   I wondered if I could just take one and chop, hard and fast enough,  I could remove my left hand with one try?   Then, I thought, I might go the more traditional Japanese route.  At least with the stabbing and ripping upwards of the abdomen you wouldn't have to worry about trying to slice bone.  {I can grasp your shock, that this topic is quite horrific to discuss in such a manner.  However, I am just trying to help you get into my mind and the level of despair}   These thoughts were unrestrained and they plagued me.

I no longer had any reason to think good thoughts about myself.  

 What stopped me?   The thought that stopped me, was what would happen to my babies?    I would not allow them to hold any doubt in their minds, that my impoverished soul was anything to do with them.   I was truly worried, that if I committed suicide, they might be used against them!

It was not their fault.   I loved them,  they gave me joy and each day that I got to see their smiles was pure heaven.

So my mind went into overdrive, how do I stop living a life of quiet desperation?

It is my belief that This Campaign cycle didn't break for 8 months.   

Perhaps it was, that I finally became a bit stronger physically and started to go to the gym a few times a week.   That might have helped me feel more positive.
Then instead of thinking how to use steak knives to end my life, I started pondering how could I manage my four kids and a suitcase out the door.

The darkness came when he walked in the door.   It was cold, cutting and unforgiving.   It showed me that there was nothing I had, that could bring a sparkle to the gritty, thick tar it spewed to hold me in my place.   Whether, you want to call this a demon, or dharma, it was certainly there for me to learn that I had to stop taking it.   I had to live the way I believed, and what I wanted for my children and the way I hoped to raise them, was nothing like the consistent compromises I was making to keep him happy.    The darkness had been in my mind.   The darkness had been in my heart.   I couldn't see the light for all that was about me.  I didn't really see it at that time, but I could be often found standing at the sink washing dishes and breaking my heart.

Sometimes I would just have to curl up on the floor because I couldn't stop crying.  
My daughter would turn to me on the day that I actually threw some belongings in black bags and took all four of my beautiful, priceless children and ran to the safety of a Women's Aid Shelter.   On that day, She would say to me."Mom, it will be good not to see you cry."

The Woman I was

Back in the late eighties,

BKS Iyengar came to America.  He was to teach for two weeks in San Diego, California.   I was teaching several Yoga classes a week and used his book Light on Yoga as the source for my class material.  So, to go, and learn from the man who had been declared Master at the age of 24!   Was a must!

Yoga was a profound tool I discovered through my first dance teacher in High School.  Back in those days I did Yoga daily.   Sometimes several times a day.  I also practiced regular Chi kung and I still had some Ballet classes.  But teaching was who I was.   I had a great joy for what I did and a beautiful circle of friends.

In those days, I worked in a Nursing Home through the night and taught my classes daytime and evening.   On the walk home from work, I would go through a golf course.   Now I stuck to the edges, because I know those of you out there who love your golf would hate to hear that someone was hugging trees there!
I taught most of my classes in a studio that I shared with a man who taught Pa Kua chuan and Tai chi chuan.   I  had been studying Tai Chi chuan with Mr Utt for more than 5 years.   My Instructor had just started teaching us the 5 Animal Frolic.  This was considered a Chi Kung exercise and had a series of motions based on each animal [Bear, Tiger, Deer, Monkey & Crane] and then a chi kung form that lasted about 30 minutes.  From doing this I discovered that I felt aligned with a deer spirit.  So, on those precious quiet mornings, I would prance along the edge of the golf course imitating a deer.

To be honest, it was kinda fun!   I loved the movements and there was that little thrill of, what if someone sees me?   How would I explain it?

Going to the San Diego Iyengar Yoga conference seemed quite an impossible task, but I had a joy filled and hopeful heart.  I had to save up money to fly to California and pay for the course, I also needed to request the time off work.  I had to inform my students that I wouldn't be available to teach for a week, too.   But, even with all these very adult things I had to arrange for myself, it all fell in place.  I flew out to San Diego, I took the bus to the city and found the Youth Hostile and got my room.   I loved California.      The Sun was up before six in the morning, my room had a window that opened out over the roof of the building.  So I went out a did a little warm up before seeking the conference center where the seminar was taking place.   I was so excited, I could have floated on air!

In those days, I practiced daily meditation.   I discovered a man who recorded meditation series and mystical lectures on tapes and I owned several of his programs.  Meditation was a great window into a world I believed was more important the one I walk through.
I remember his discussion on spirits and ghosts.  He said that Earthbound spirits could often be found at Bars.  They would often wait for the opening when one unsuspecting soul would lose enough control for them to take over!   {I had often thought the alcoholic's excuse, of amnesia quite lame, but there might be something more to it}
I also remember a meditation that took you through the veil of life and death.   The first time I listened to this tape, I had one of those visions, that was crystal clear.   It was set in the 1800's and a man was saddling and mounting his horse to leave for war.   There were three characters,  the man, the horse and his wife.   I wasn't totally clear on if I was the man, the horse, or the wife!   However, the clarity of it was so sharp and strong that I have never forgotten it.   Not all meditation was like that for me.  Mostly I am aware that I am controlling what I see and create in my mind.  
Are you getting a picture of how I liked to always be learning and growing, as a Yogini and as a spiritual  being?   I was always curious about what is beyond our comprehension, spiritual studies and our purpose in this existence.

Once a week I treated myself to a Taco Salad from Taco Bell.   I would rent videos from the Library and didn't watch regular TV, or read newspapers.   I started collecting crystals back then.  I would just love the color or shape and buy them.   I had a little table, it was only 14" in length and width.  Also, I would hang my prisms in the window so they would create rainbows.   It was be nearly two decades before I would find out that there were ways to use crystals to facilitate healing.

During one of my daily meditation practices, I felt the presence of my Grandmother.   We always called her Granny.   I was in that lovely between full consciousness and light sleep state and I could just feel her.    When I was very young she was really more like a mother to me.  We had been very close for a great number of years.   After my parents separated, she came one Saturday to take me for our day out together.  As we headed off, she started talking about when she died.

Actually, she was trying to inform me that I would have some money when she passed.   I started to cry really hard, I didn't want her money, I loved her.   I am sure she knows now, but the last six months before she passed I visited her briefly.  I was there with my then steady boyfriend, you know as Symbol.   I remember he had nothing nice to say about my Granny.   I don't remember really taking it in, I also didn't tell him off for talking about the woman who was there for me when no one else could be.  {Which now, I wish I had told him, she meant everything to me and if he couldn't say anything nice, he could walk back to the college!}   I wonder if she was worried about me then.  Because it couldn't have been the way she would have hoped I turn out.   I think that might have been the summer Symbol convinced me to shave my head.   {That didn't go over well anywhere!}

I remember the week after she passed, I received a letter from her, she had sent me a $10 bill in the post.   Just because she wanted to help me make ends meet.  I think the last time we spoke I was shockingly rude to her.   So, there was something I wanted to make sure she knew . . .

So this afternoon was a good year after she had passed.  Although I didn't see her face I just felt her love and I felt as if she was saying good bye.   I also felt as if I got the chance to hug her one last time and say I love you.   I know she had really wanted to see me get married.  I am so glad that it was never on the cards that she see me marry Symbol!

At that time, a normal day for me would be to get up and exercise.  I had a cat in those days which I would take care of.  I would read or make something.   I used to love these Liquid Vinyl tubes, you could make t-shirts with and sometimes a Christmas sweatshirt.   If I was working on a project like that it would take up the entire front room.  These projects could keep me up until the wee hours of the night.

If I didn't have a project, I would often put on music and dance.  That was pretty typical routine for me.

These were the years between Symbol and my X Husband.  During this time my Father often expressed his concern that I was anorexic.   As if!   I was never that skinny!  But, more to the point, was my mental state after that relationship.   I often made these self depreciating remarks about my size that were probably learned.  I am sure, some of these put downs were truly mine:-  some were learned from my mother & sister, some from my dancer friends and some from that relationship.   But I was in that category that all fitness coaches and trainers should watch out for, that being the person in the gym all the time.   So, I can own the fact that I get quite obsessed about finishing a job.   But I also know, that if one wants to achieve exceptionable skills, you have to be willing to put in the effort.  

I have had many profound realizations in these six years since I left my Husband. 

1) that by accepting his abuse I also became party to some lies he told. 

2) that by not speaking up or standing up for myself, I allowed a wedge to be built between myself and those that I held dear.   

3) that in the years since I left him, I have rediscovered the woman I was when we met.  I am recognizing that he shamed who I was, and yet that woman, was who he was attracted too!  

I have had to accept, that perhaps my believing in deer spirits and angels are considered thoughts of  a teenage girl.   But I prefer them to the perspective he tried to teach me.  That being a world of fear, deception and punishment.

I would rather live with false hopes of love and light {Unicorn & Rainbows} than believing in certain darkness.

Campaigns and Head games

It was the summer before 

I finally stopped the progressive, downward, WALKED ALL OVER, erosion of my personality and stood up for myself and ran out on my  marriage.

This summer, the grandparents wanted to take our eldest two children to Disney World. Florida.   That meant that my husband and I had only two children to look after, plus my mother's wonderful Australian Terrier.  This time,  It should have been a gift, a time for the two older children to get some new experiences.   Also a time for us to just be with the twins, a good chance to have a bit less work and even a time for relaxing.  But there was an evening that would signal the end, as my Husband was on edge, like a rabid woman experiencing PMT.

We were staying in luxury at my Mother's vacation apartment.   This is in a South Carolina city which is a wonderful playground with almost any amusement you can imagine.   It  has a major road only a few blocks from the ocean.   This road is about 8 lanes for the cars, strip malls on the roadside and many billboards to inform visitors of the shows and various water parks or restaurants nearby.  There are many condominiums and my mother's building looks quite similar to one just a few blocks away, so it is a developed and busy area.   However, on the roadside, in the midst of all this modern development is one small house.  I always noticed this one house, it always draws me, I stare at every time I drive by it.      It is fair to say, I was curious perhaps propelled to that house.   This house has a business sign on the front that reads Spiritual Advisory and Life Coach.   I wondered if there might be an answer there.
I took the opportunity to actually go there!   The atmosphere between my husband and I was very strained.  {Now, I can see, he must have felt he was loosing control and that may have been what was eating away him}
So, I walked the dog down to this little house and knocked on the door.  Inside was an elderly man on the phone.  He came to the door, and let me in. He took me to a small room on the side of the lounge.  I liked this room, there was a statue of Jesus near the table, a bible was on the table near the Tarot deck.  I had spent a number of years reading the Bible everyday, and praying had been an activity I did several times daily.  My Mother and I once celebrated Lent by having a day to pray for all the members of the family.
It is easy for me to imagine you  criticizing my going to knock on a Psychic's door.  I can see how, someone can take advantage of another, especially when they feel that their situation is desperate,  just like I did.
That day I met Leo.   Leo, asked me to shuffle cards and then he did a reading of the cards.   He told me I had good ideas.   He told me he could see that alcohol was involved with the problems I was having.     He told me, that I didn't really know who I was.   He then told me that I was loved by Jesus and not to worry.   I told him how difficult I was finding my life with my husband.  He shared with me that he and his wife had 5 kids.   He also said his wife was a beautiful woman.   He also told me, how he had once lived in the Bar and when his beautiful wife threatened to leave he turned it all around.   He advised me to go back and give my marriage another chance.   So I walked back to the apartment.

Now, I might have been a way an hour?  Two hours?   I am not sure.  I wasn't worried, I didn't consider the time an issue.  The twins were in bed, my spouse would be on the balcony smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.   The joy I had in hearing a few nice things about myself and sharing stories with someone who listened, had perhaps made me forget, that being away from the House, was not acceptable.

BECAUSE believe you me, if I took so much as an extra 10 seconds at the shop near our home, my spouse would give me endless grief.  

So I had forgotten my place.

Now, after having kids, your social circle can get quite small.  Sometimes you can feel quite isolated when you are home with a young baby.   After my first child I went to a Breast feeding support group at the Hospital.  There I made a group of friends who have become life long friends and my fortress for sanity.   Back then, in those early days when our first born were infants, we would see each other every week, for tea and chat about how the babies were growing, etc.    In time, our lives changed.   Some of us moved out of the city and to quieter homes around Glasgow.   I went back to full time work when my daughter was 11 weeks.   There were more changes, and most of us had two children.
After my twins were born, I would be graciously offered an opportunity to catch up with them.   But to do this so we could really talk,  meant a night out.  Now,  I could get one, if he had nothing on and if I only asked for one that year.   But, The Real problems started when I came home.   Often it would be the next two months I would be paying for being so selfish.   One of my spouse's campaigns was, my 'ridiculous notion', that I could leave the house.  If I wanted to leave the house for a walk with a friend on a Sunday afternoon, he would forbid it, sighting the fact that I had four children.


So, that evening, when I returned to the apartment with my mother's dog, I was in a happy, calm place in my mind and  ready to compromise.   I gave the dog some water and looked in on the twins.  {As a parent, there is very little joy like seeing your child sleeping, they are just like Angels}   I found my spouse out on the balcony.  It is quite nice out there, you are high enough to have a good view of the shoreline.   In July, in the USA, people set off fireworks regularly.  But this balcony view is the best on the 4th of July, as you can see two local Fireworks displays, as well as, all those fireworks set off by visiting holiday makers down for the weekend!
But all was quiet as I came onto the balcony.  My happiness and willingness to forgive and work with this individual was shredded by the behaviour he exhibited next.  My Husband's personality was altered.   I was used to seeing him drunk, but this was different.  He seemed to me, to be on drugs.   He couldn't accept that I had taken the dog for a walk.   He accused me of having a lover.   Then he launched into me.

Although, this Blog is really about my realization that my Husband was never going to be nice to me, in any future moment.   It's named after how I describe the mental abuse & emotional abuse patterning in my marriage.  My counselor through the Women's Aid, told me that abuse tends to have a cycle.  So there would be quiet times.  Even years at times.  I knew when he was about to explode, but this night his behaviour was so very strange.  I think,  he might have had some extra assistance from a dark spirit.   He was more like Symbol than I ever saw, but even saying that, he wanted me squashed right down.

My former Spouse, had a way of beating me down, mentally.   The best way for me to explain this to you, is he played head games and would escalate his language over a period of time and I refer to these as his campaigns.   Simple examples of what I am trying to convey is, one started out with comments of,"you don't know what you are talking about."    This advances to, "Are you off your trolley?"   Then to "you are mentally unstable."   Then to the last and final insults, were I was told repeatedly, "You are crazy!"   Now,  taking punches, or having your wrist twisted behind your back, hurt.  But having your ability to think and reason clearly belittled, or even constantly eroded, doesn't just hurt, it takes great effort to NOT allow it to hurt you, forever.
We eventually moved into the apartment, were he continued his aggressive questioning about where I was.   What I couldn't understand;- He would go for a jog in the morning, sometimes it took him 40 minutes, and I was trying to get my fitness back so I would go for a jog on the beach and sometimes be back in over an hour.   Then, when my mother and I would go for a stroll with her dog we would walk to the far end of the shoreline and that must have been an hour and half walk.   He was accusing me of having gone somewhere for sex.  I was stunned.  

What?   I just, could not believe he thought for one second, that I had walked out the door and found someone and {this is vulgar, so pardon my language} shagged them in a dark corridor somewhere?   Yuck. 

That night, was the escalation from my being mentally unstable, to CRAZY.   My Husband didn't stop with it being his opinion, he told me, Your Father thinks your crazy.   He brought in every family member, and told me, they all thought I was crazy.
Then, we are in the back corner of the apartment near where the bedroom the twins are sleeping in.  He did something really strange, he punched the wall in front of my face.  Now, it would be years before I would understand that this type of 'non' contact violence, was still traumatic and threatening.
I am not sure how long we 'argued'.   What I do know is that I felt completely torn up by it.   I am not sure, how to express to you how altered a different this fight was.   I wasn't even sure why I felt so bruised in the morning.  Was it because I was on quite a lovely high from my time with Leo, or just that he was like a demon in a 'my husband' suit.
The next day, I had a chance to speak to my Mother and asked her, 'do you think I am crazy?'  It would be another day before I could ask my Father.  But the wounds that night were deep, and the words he lashed me with that night would sting for months.   {To be honest, it sometimes still rears it's Ugly head, but I am learning to love myself, warts and all!}    My husband also had a wound from that night,  he had about 4 inches of bruising on his arm between the wrist and elbow.   I believe he must have damaged himself when he punched the wall.   When asked by my parents he claimed no knowledge of how it could have happened.
The minute I could, I went back to Leo, the Spiritual Advisory and cried my heart out.   How could I make the marriage work?   It would be me, doing everything and he would still be unhappy and mean!
This time Leo told me about the cards he held back yesterday.  He also said, the earrings I was wearing that day were cursed.  He removed the curse using prayer and said he would help me.


Now, to be honest with you, it took me a few years after leaving my x husband to understand what mental abuse is.   But there are a few things I see clearly, one is how he was placing a wedge between me and my parents.  There is another aspect to abuse, one which is very subtle.  It is the taking of another's energy and robbing them of any power. 
  I believe this is done sometimes without a conscious Metaphysical training.  By that, I mean an understanding of the Human Energy system and how to tap into another's.   I did date a man who told me he was a hybrid vampire.   Now, he would always push my buttons and I think that is part of the technique.  The person taking the energy, gets their 'victim' in a highly emotional state.  
So now you have to think, do you know anyone who always seems to make you feel annoyed or causes arguments?   This person might be stirring the cauldron just to take that from you.  I do want to explore these Mystical topics in depth and promise to write a Blog with just that purpose.

Just to close this chapter, there was a line crossed that night.   I think he must have known I was looking for a way out.   Perhaps, part of the confidence I was showing, now that I was working a little and taking care of myself, really threatened him.
It baffled me,  because I was not looking for others to 'get off with'.   I was more than content to stay married to the father of my children.  But I did wish to grow and be a complete person.  

Even odder, when I think about who I was, when I met him.  In those days, I taught Ballet and Modern dance to young girls, I had several Yoga classes each week.  So I spent my time talking to others in leotards and tights.   Maybe the thought of my getting it together enough to be like I was in my late 20's was terrifying to him.
I am trying to see with compassion what must have driven him to behave in such a profound and  cruel manner.   What I understand to be true, is the more he oppressed me, part of me complied and believed, while my soul dwindled.  

That is the hint:-  To you,  one of the staggering truths I learned, as many as 3 out of 5 women are abused.   I was told by my couselor, to tell others of my journey.   Often I would hear, my sister suffered through that, or my mother, or even, and sadder they would respond with, "I was abused too."     If your sister, brother, mother lose that twinkle in their eyes, there is something in their life causing their soul to be slowly extinguished.

The Pain Swap

I have to tell you!

It hasn't been easy.   I have to tell you, it was hard!   

Sometimes the physical pain was so great, it was all I could do to get some relief from it!

Sometimes I wondered if I would ever get out of the dark woods, and stop living right at the edge of life.   By that I mean, I was circling the drain, just going through the motions and most days, running back to the house to hide from the world.

It ALL just got on top of me.        I wish I could pin point the start. 

 I dislocated my knee, that didn't stop me.   
Then I tore my medial ligament, same knee as before!   That clipped my wings but I never let it make me stop.  
Then, I was given an appointment with a joint specialist in America, who offered a knee brace, but my body weight was creeping up. And with me, the more I weigh the less confident I feel.  


My friend turned to me and said, "You really aren't attractive anymore".  It hurt, but, I no longer could wear heels, and I didn't have clothes that made me feel attractive.   Then I dated a younger man for a while.  But he liked big, curvy women and would bring me chocolate at every meeting.  I got bigger.  

Then he dumped me by text on New Year's Eve.   He said I was the most self centred person he know.   That hurt.

My precious and precocious daughter, was diagnosed with type one Diabetes during the Holiday period.  When I came home from the hospital, I took all the Christmas decorations and threw them out.   As my 11 year old daughter asked me,"Why Mom?  Is God punishing me?  Did I do something wrong?"    I told her of course not.   But then when I was alone, doing a work out DVD, I started to beg God.  "Please let me have the Diabetes and not her."  Then I tried to bargain, then I asked, "Have I done something wrong?"  


For six weeks after my daughter was diagnosed I didn't leave the house.   I was afraid she would be rushed back into hospital, I didn't want to miss any sign this time.  Because I felt so guilty for missing the signs the first time!
My Lecturer from the college rang.   
A good friend came by and took me to visit another friend.  
It took those people reaching out to me, and

 just

trying 

to 

breath, 

but I eventually got up.   I started to take driving lessons.   My daughter would now have regular clinic appointments and medical checks.   So by Friday the 13th of June I had a driver's license.   That was a very good day!


I started to work more,  I seemed to walk a lot less.  I could take the kids to the cinema, I could get them a fancy meal without having to pay for a taxi too.
Then, there were more injuries.   I had shin splints and then, the person who once called me his Best friend, stopped talking to me.   In fact, he said he could no longer take texts at work.  And for two months, as we worked side by side, he continued to give me the cold shoulder.  I was in a deep freeze.   I tried harder to worked more diligently so that he would feel less stressed.  BUT Night after night, after putting the kids in bed, I would cry.  I could not figure out,'What had I done to alienate him?'


This particular friend, this man, I had REALLY opened up too.   I told him, after I left my husband, I felt as if every aspect of my personality had been judged and found lacking.   I told him how important he was to me.   Our relationship changed.  He had started flirting with me, and I enjoyed having this wonderful attention to no end.   


I had two short affairs after I left my spouse due to domestic abuse.   So, the friendship & work partnership had become the bright centre of my world.  A world that was being drawn back into the shroud of darkness.      So, this pain, did stop me.


Then came, Plantar Fasciitis.  This painful condition started as a feeling of scratching on my left heel and developed until I couldn't take a step without pain.   So, I was barely walking, even in my fitness clubs.


These are the days and nights, I decide it is better to just stay in.  Get in, as quickly as possible, return to the safety of my home and the pleasure of my own company.   I am safe on my own.   Also, for the first time in my life, I am happy being alone.   I miss the kids when they go to their father's, and sometimes they come back they need to hugged and loved up in the worst way.

Before this streak of lower joint problems, I would spend the time, the days and hours the kids were away, involved with taekwon - do.   It gave me a productive focus and there was a core group, a 'family' as it were, to be supported by.   I was still active with my clubs, but I was losing much of the good ground that I had gained in the preparation for my Black Belt.   This was frustrating and yet I nurtured myself with comfort food.
I had this attachment to the clubs, to the family and friends I had there, unwittingly I sought emotional nutrition there.   It is quite a obtuse mental leap, that I would pursue one goal only to realize that I had created a negative driving force.  
The study of martial arts is brilliant, it can strengthen your body, help you to stand taller and be more confident and comfortable in your own skin.  
Sometimes I think, my experience with Connie made me want to be a strong fighter.  I know, how I loved watching Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy the Vampire slayer, she made being a 'girly' woman and a fighter look possible.   {Even though my daughter was younger than the recommended viewing age, I liked her watching this show.}   She wasn't the first female action hero.  Lindsay Wagner and Lynda Carter both had set the stage for this new genre.  But, Buffy had to fight in a serious and hand to hand context.  {There is this one episode, where she fights a Vampire who had taekwon - do training!}
I sometimes think, I am not what people image a Martial artist to be, but I also know, that I have good ways of sharing the knowledge I have gained.

But these past few years have been tough.  There has been plenty of pain, physical, emotional and generous amounts of guilt!   

Now, I feel I am in such a state physically, when I really see myself, I am so disappointed with myself.   But, I must have hope and faith that I can turn this around!   If I stay injury free, but also, I have to get out of this dreadful downward spiral, that has been my comfort zone.

This is the phase of my life I have called the Pain Swap.

I am avoiding the pain of relationships.  Mostly I run from men, because I am not at all interested in MORE of what has happened before.   {That is why being overweight is comforting, I don't think big is beautiful and therefore, the puffiness of my flesh is a shield.   Does that strike you as a bit crazy?   I love fitness, and yet I have chosen to become fat?}  From the first man in my life, my father, to the most recent, which could only be described as relationship based on my idol worship and deep emotional attachment, but there was self sacrifice and bullying in each and every relationship.
So, I swapped the pain of loneliness for the possible pain from a new relationship.   But I also had a great deal of physical pain.   There were years that I lived on anti-inflammatory tablets and would come home after training, to put my knee up and ice it.  So there was also a real physical reason for not wanting to cross the threshold of my home.  


My mother has a favourite Radio Psychologist Personality, Dr Ruth. One of Dr Ruth's saying is, "Just because you went in the woods and was chased by a Bear, doesn't mean you should never walk in the woods again"    I get it.   
But, it is not just my own cracked and jaded heart, that I protect.   I have my children to think about.   I will never forget my daughter asking me to promise, if I ever dated anyone she didn't like, I would dump him.  Done sweetheart!
I also need that friend, to stand before me and tell me again,'you are ugly now.'
Because now, I am divorced and have been on my own for 4 years.  I am afraid I could just stay here.   Be content to help others, watch my kids grow up and get progressively bigger.   The weight keeps me from feeling comfortable in my own skin.  It has begun to effect my ability to really enjoy taekwon-do, parents' night, or any social event!   I have been injury free now for 6 months!   That is a big deal.  I have started to create my personal training programme.  But the pattern of sitting in, and choosing the wrong foods is ingrained now, it is the familiar and easy choice.
So, I have to take some risks,  I have to try to walk in the woods again.
Perhaps, as Dr Ruth says, this time I will meet a deer.