Year 11

The year that I turned 11, was quite a turbulent year.   

Up until I was about 16 years old, I thought the reason why my mother was so angry was because of,  Me!   I thought, I was the cause of all her life's disappointments.   

{Just to be perfectly precise;-  That was how I felt.}

It is the same feeling, any child of divorced parents get, when they think, their parents' divorce is all their fault.   It isn't a logical conclusion, it is one based on feelings and impressions.    Probably the biggest factor in my conclusion, that I was the sole cause of my mother's anger and my parents divorce came when I was 11 years old.

We moved house, not only did we leave the house I had known for the longest period of time.   {My father was in the Navy so moving every few years was fairly common.}   But we had been in that house, 135 Weston Drive for 6 years!  The move wasn't just to a better area, we moved to another state, so we could be closer to my Dad's aging parents and within months, my grandfather died.

The start of school that year was stressful for me.   I can remember being so anxious, that I did not get a minute of sleep.  My brother and sister were a few years older and they were both in High School & Middle school,  respectively.   So I was dropped at the local Elementary school, which was not expecting me.

On that very first day, when any school teacher will tell you there is plenty to do, I was passed from one classroom to another.   It was as if I had walked in from the Twilight Zone.  There weren't any papers filled in, so no one knew anything about what school I had come from, nor which class I should be in.  {What seems very odd to me now is, why wasn't my mother there to fill in forms and permission slips,etc?   Why was I so insignificant that my first day in a new school would be left to no one checking to see if everything was in place?}

So, there are feelings of neglect and abandonment.   There is also Bewilderment, I wasn't able to give the adults the answers they were looking for, and they had no way to contact one who could!

However, someone did notice me.  There was a young girl in the class they finally decided was a good fit for me.  Patty sat at a desk all by herself, up on a little stage area.  She looked at me when I walked in and declared,"You don't belong here!"

Perhaps she was able to read the feelings in my heart, that I felt an outsider, a stranger and was desperately looking for ANY sign that I did belong.   But, whatever the reason that drove her to make her judgement on me, those words had a long lasting impact.    {It strikes me as funny to note, that in the many years since I thought about this one day, I can still recall the bizarre woolen vest she wore and her brown skirt.  All the details held in sharp focus,so that I could replay the pain of being an outcast in the small village culture that the Elementary school had already created.}  How was I to make friends and influence people?

So, my first day at my new school was far too stressful!

Because we moved, I had to say good bye to a wonderful friend.   I had left behind a friend that I had been close to for 5 years.   I think, Melissa Bunk and I were 'Best' friends on the first day of Elementary school.    Melissa had gone with us, on our family's annual two weeks to Rehobeth Beach together.   We made up songs, and performed them for my Granny.   We bought matching dresses and skirts.  We even had a crush on the same teenage boy at the Carnival games.   This was a special, close friendship.   So, it was hard to be in a place looking for a friendly face after having had the privilege of a friendship with warmth and like-minded play.

We saw each other again about 12 months after the move, but we were both quite changed by the experiences in our lives.  When I really think it over, it was probably that I had been through so much in such a short space of time.

To find another friend like that, was a Tall task.

I did make some friends.  I found myself in the fold of a group.   The leading girl told us, we needed to get Dale to break up with Yvonne.   I wasn't sure why, but I went along with her and the other girls and we told Dale.   That afternoon Dale did as he was told and Yvonne cried and begged in front of all of us.   I think, the point of that exercise was so the lead girl could date Dale herself.   The real effect of this afternoon, was the fact that Dale had an older sister, Gail.   Gail drove me home.   When she came in to see if I had supervision, she met my older Brother.   From that day, Gail was willing to have me over, drive me home, stay with me at the house.   Because she thought my brother was cute!

Anyhow, that group of people, they weren't really good friends for me.  It was really a clique.  I might have been lucky to have been snapped up by them, but really, I longed for the confidences and writing songs and dancing to music like I had with Melissa.  I wrote to her regularly those first few months.

Our move, was also a promotion for my father.  We now lived in a fancy house on the Naval Base.   It was one of five houses.  The Surgeon General lived next door to us.  His house was the biggest of all the five and had central position on our crescent.   There were no other living quarters near us.   That was also the word we used to describe our home, 'the Quarters'.  There was only one other family with young kids, so we would play with them often.
In many ways, this should have been a fabulous move for all of us.   We had a bigger house, I mean who doesn't want a bigger house?   There was very little to worry about, as there were guards who checked cars coming and going from the Base.  We lived in a very secluded area of the Base.   This meant, riding bikes, skateboards and playing out side was a safe activity.   There was a community pool, a bit too far for us to walk too, so we would go in the car.   But it also had the Officers' Club which we all went to once for a special celebratory meal.   I remember watching my mother and father dance that night.   It was the first night I tried filet-mignon.  I loved watching my parents dance, they were a beautiful couple.  I also really enjoyed the soft, luxurious meat I had that night too.

It was at some point, after my grandfather died that he came to see me.   That was a very traumatic night.

I think my parents found me quite a difficult child.  I was always told I had 'such an active imagination'.   You know, kinda in a huff, the way parents tell you what you just said is silly or unimportant!   Because, I remember climbing out of bed one night, and my mother desperately trying to talk me back into my bedroom.   I was trying to describe to her that the lights were keeping me up.   I could see, these little light bubbles moving about.  My father said, I had probably cut off the circulation some where.  He probably meant to my brain!
Do you know?   Just the other day, I was listening to a lecture from an Enlightened teacher talking about how some people perceive the presence of the divine.   {Can you guess what I am about to say?}
She described the movement of thoughts and energy forms, as tiny light bubbles!   So, every time I shut my eyes and they were there,  I thought, oh, I must make sure to lie flat!   Don't want to cut off any circulation!

Okay, so the last in the long line of trauma for this year, is . . .   {Drum roll}.   My father announcing he was moving out.   I stayed up all night that night!   But the tears and drama of that evening were truly only the beginning of the pain.  As, for some reason, my mother made me go to a psychiatrist.

This was my main reason for believing that, all those years as a little girl, when she was scrubbing the house to cleaner than Hospital sanitary standards;-  the venom with which she set about to house work and her daily exercise routine, had to do with her disappointment and frustration over, staying home with me.   Now, she never told me, I would like you to go.   She never offered it.   I was just sent.   Like I was just sent to a school that wasn't expecting me.  I was packed off to weekly meetings with a psychiatrist and I had no reason for why I was going.  

The real kicker for me was, neither my brother nor sister went.   So, I just sat there and said nothing.   I said nothing for fear of, if I opened my mouth and talked about seeing lights or my passion for dancing with the lights or my visit from my Grandfather.   I might never get to go home.

So, this last equation to this series of traumatic life changing events was the one that put me in shut down.  For the next 2 decades if anyone confronted me, I would just shut down.  It was my only way of self preservation.  

I guess it worked.  I am still here.  

However, there were many times when I needed a voice.  There were many times when I needed me, to stand up, just for myself.

Now, The best part!

 Welcome my brother's girlfriend.

So, flash forward to the age 16.   My brother is visiting home from College now, and he has brought with him his live in girlfriend.   She is kind enough to fill in all the blanks to my parents marriage and the divorce.  It made so much sense to me after that.   She really helped me begin to see that I wasn't the cause of my mothers anger.   That was a much need relief!  

You may not Like this . . .

I have held back many details of my relationship with my Ex Husband.

Part of the reason is that Fear, the fear that you might say, 'what a load of rubbish!'

But actually, I know that is his voice.   That is his criticism of me.  

I have pages of stories to share with you.  When I first starting writing my stories, of what I have seen as a child and what happened to me as I grew up in the mold of; - a Man dominates, a Man dictates, the Man in Your Life, is the 'Bringer of Life.'   Now that last statement I know comes from my Mother's thought patterns and I know she was determined that My Father should live, like a King in his own home.  But, her total commitment to this Paradigm meant that, without a Man or Husband there was no living.  

My Ex Husband taught me how flawed I was.  

He took every opportunity to fish in the cracks of my upbringing and personality.   I should, actually Thank him for it, as having a really intimate knowledge of what I fail at, I can be totally honest about, Who I am!

Now, for the last six years of my marriage, I spent my days crying and praying. 

I can remember, after one particularly difficult night, where the theme of our 'fight'  was about the fact that I should worship at the feet of my Husband for the fact that he went out to work and paid for me to live in his house and eat his food.  At the end of this battle, I was on my knees, face down on the carpet to demonstrate, what I thought He wanted.   What I remember of that evening was two things.  One, was a clear heavy presence in our home.  I can remember thinking in the morning, that I had been protected by all the praying I had been doing.   That the 'fight' itself had not escalated, that the fight had remained just a small matter of cross words and my subservience as;-  because of all the words and prayers I had whispered, we had a protective shield.

But I also remember, being on the floor like that, the tears and the utter shame of having to prostrate myself to my Husband and seeing that look of utter disgust in his eyes.  I was doing what he was shouting at me I should do, every time he returned home from work.   Then, he smugly turned on his heal and proclaimed I was "Pathetic for giving up my devotion to Jesus to worship him." 

I then carried the shame of 'turning' my back on Jesus.   I think that is probably when it started to become easier to imagining leave my Husband.   There was nothing left to hold on too.   If I had to worship Him, how could I truly live my life?   I didn't think my Husband was God.   Sometimes I didn't even think he was nice at all.   In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I felt any warmth for him in my heart.  I was just walking on egg shells, trying to get through each day without setting him off!  {Now there is no sexual reference there,}

I solely mean, igniting this angry, cruel darkness that resided within him.  

{In reading back over this now, Now. Seven years since the day I took my children and fled.  I wonder if that cruel darkness I always thought of as him, was more to do with that heave dark presence in the house.   You can call it Evil, but for searchers of higher consciousness, it is referred to as the Maya.  The Maya can shape us, be our lessons in this life.   But, rest assured, hard as the lessons are, there is no Devil to Fear.}

Now, I had my patterns, I would get the kids in the front room and put on CBeebies or some such show that they could enjoy, while I would try and get things in order.   So, this was my way to get the house  in a way that He would find acceptable.   Then I would feed the kids.   Normally, he would come in, see the kids, check that things were to his liking and head down the pub.   After dinner, there was clean up, stories, bath and bed time.  Sometimes it would be 9 pm before all that was finished.   Sometimes it would be later, depending on how the bedtime routine went.   Usually he would be back home by then, watching TV in the front room.

If he came home and I sensed that pull in my gut.   That queasy, stomach churning nervousness, I knew he was close to erupting, I would rush the process up.   {In order to get the kids away from his wrath.}  They weren't to blame that I was useless.

During the time that I was fully aware of the fact that I no longer held love or any form of affection in my heart for my Husband, he started to get more volatile.   I had a very good friend who helped me a great deal by listening to me.  She said to me,"Jesus did not die on a cross so you could suffer like this."  It was very liberating to know someone who was a Believer, also felt that I could break my marriage vow and still have the Love from the Divine.   Because I thought I would have to give up both.  My marriage and my devotion to Christ.   

So, things were getting worse between my Husband and myself.   I cannot remember the last time we had and physical intimacy.   {And I promise I will discuss in detail how one can have years of sex and know nothing about true intimacy & Love, it is a cutting and very exposing subject, but I promised and I am going to open that door for you.}   Because there is so much to understand about how even sex can be a weapon.  {And I believe culturally we believe women use sex that way, ie withholding the intimacy until they get what they want,}   But, in the same way that, a man having sex with you, doesn't mean he loves you.  I had to face, that although, we were married, there wasn't any real Love, Honour or Truth in our Holy Union.   Then I had to open my eyes to the fact that we hadn't 'made love' in nearly a decade.    

I believe that my Husband had a gut feeling that he was losing me.   He had struggled with my renewed confidence and the spark of strength that was growing within me from my Coaching job.   He had to push harder to keep me believing I wasn't strong enough to leave.   I can remember how confusing it was at times.   I would go to work and hear how Fantastic I was as a Pre School Gymnastics Coach.  Then I would come home and be told how disgusting and completely incompetent I was.   I felt confused and frustrated, how could both be true about me?

THEN . . .

There was a terrible, terrible night.   This horrific fight took place shortly after we had been to visit my family.   Now this cycle of cruelty became apparent only after I left and started to really open up to others who had a similar experience.  I am talking about the fact that, the mental abuse was always a continual onslaught before we got to my family, as well as, on the way back to our home.   What I couldn't see at the time, was that this was his way of keeping me in check.  Should I go home and be with my family and realize that I have the power, strength and perhaps even total support to leave him?   He had to ensure I could never see that as a possibility!   After this fight, I can remember he didn't go into work the next morning.  As this was still the summer Holidays' for the kids, they had no school or play groups.   It didn't take me long to decipher the sounds of him and the kids in the kitchen.

I would normally stay in bed or duck into another room where I could put on an exercise video, in the morning.   This was my way of staying out of his way.  But he hadn't left for work!  So, I went towards the kitchen, I wanted a lovely cup of Tea.  So, he was standing in the centre of the room watching the kids eat and I went along the wall side, this was the long way to go around him.

He must have been cutting fat off bacon because he turned and lifted the knife he was carving with and thrust it in my face.

"Tell the kids what you are planning to do?" he shouted and demanded.

To be sure, I had no plan.   I had, at that very point, just reasoned I had no fixed and  spiritually penalizing reason to stay.   I wanted to go to Heaven, but I never wanted my kids raised seeing this constant erosion of their Mother.  {Now, back then, all I knew was that I needed to live without constant Fear!}

This would be the final assault!    As, up until this moment, he had never carried out any physical violence against me in front of anybody.   He was quite happy to speak to me in the most horrible way in front of others at a party.   Or, he would happily belittle me in front of strangers at the airport.   So, he would mentally or emotionally abuse me around our children, but never any such serious physical threats.  But I knew this was a line he had crossed.  If he would hold a knife to my face in front of the kids over the thoughts that.

I
Might,
Be,
Planning,
To,
Leave.

What else would he do before their eyes?

This was very frightening.   I ran back to the bed room.  I grabbed the phone and rang my family.   Now, anyone with young children will tell you, you are up earlier than the average household.   So, when I rang my mother, my step Father answered.   He forbade me ever to ring them again, and I do, still, avoid it at all costs!  {Thank you very much for your understanding}

I then rang my Brother.  My Brother, as best he could over the phone, stood between my Husband and myself.  I can remember my husband saying to my brother how blatantly difficult I was to live with.  To which I shouted abuse.  I can't even begin to express to you, why I didn't just tell my brother, He just put a knife in my face, less that two inches from my eye!   You still want me to believe Love lives in my house?

It was the end.  Support from my family or no.   I had to get away from him.   He had no respect for me.  

I also think, in the scriptures, there is a reference to a man should Love his Wife as he Loves himself.   So, his lack of respect and cruelty towards me, also exists within him towards himself.   

Okay, so this super frightening situation had to happen to get me to truly wake up and pack up!

Now, my point in saying You aren't going to like this is,

Sometimes it takes hard medicine to get us well again.   Sometimes it takes those closest to us to give that terrible stuff over to us.

I didn't like any of the belittling and cruelty that he handed me, but I hadn't got the lesson the first time!

I had to learn, to be True to Myself.  

I had to learn, that I am Important, and my beliefs are valid.   If the person I am with does not support me as I am, I am better off without them in my Life!   Regardless of whether we had matching $600 dollar rings on our third fingers.   None of that matters.

I also had to learn that the Love of the Divine was in me, with me, and would never leave me.

Even if, I, was the one to take a carving knife to a face.

One of the ways that I find helpful in realizing the Gifts that we are given by the experiences in our lives, is for me to think of the people, as if they are characters in a Dramatic Production.   That way, they individuals can still hold their Divine Beauty.  

Because, there were many years I did love the man that I married.

If I hadn't been deeply devoted I wouldn't have been so shocked and crushed that he so easily became like some rogue henchmen from the Spanish inquisition.

What has been hardest for me to make peace over and quell the questions that endlessly prevail in my mind, Why?  Why would my Soul mate treat me in this manner?   When I would never turn on him?
But, now is the time.  It is time to release these wounds and be grateful for the beauty of lesson.

I have so much to be grateful for.   I have insight into the importance of my Dreams.

I have insight into the fact that it is Easy to tear someone's confidence down.

It takes True strength of character, to care enough about someone else to work to build up their confidence!

That is one of the things I would really love to do for you!   I would love for you to know, you are beautiful, you are worthy, and there is nothing you can do that will stop Divine Love from supporting you!

Braco, Gazing & Enlightenment

Braco is an individual.

I was introduced to this man, not literally, as I have only ever streamed his Gaze.

Braco, pronounced Brachio, is a Croatian, humble servant to the Divine Love of the Universe.

He is just simply amazing!

I have posted several times on my Facebook page and tell anyone who has any form of healing crisis.  What I mean by that is, anyone who suffers, emotionally, physically or spiritually.   This man can assist.

The first time I Gazed, I cried.   Tears simply streamed from my eyes, for as soon as I looked into Braco's eyes it was as if, this is what my Soul had been longing for.   It is Love, but not the Disney movie thing, we in Western Society think of as 'the One'.   No.   This Love flows from Braco's Gaze in Waves.  So profound was this moment I had to have some more.

Now, Gazing is inexpensive.   It is $3 a stream.   That really isn't much to pay, for the chance that you may be healed?    Really?   Think about it.   Think about all those poor soul's who pay out thousands for weight-loss pills and shakes.   How much would you pay to feel connected to the One Source of our creation, tell me, what would that cost if a Human could bottle it?

So the streams are not dear.   Your effort is to just stand, if physically possible before him, and 'gaze' back with an open heart and mind.

Now, I am blessed enough with a friend who has an open mind.   I asked her to come over and she stood in the Braco's Gaze with me.   We shared our experiences, and she had a visual experience, were Braco's face changes.   For me,  he begins to look more and more like Jesus, for my good friend, she saw a Norse God.   I believe, you may see who you feel most connected to on the High Spiritual Realm.   It's my working theory.

But, there is so much more available to this silent stare we share with thousands every time we stream.   There is always a Host, who explains perhaps how they discovered Braco.   Then there are brave soul's who stand up and share how their live's have been forever improved by this man,   There is just a wondrous connection and Divine Spark that surrounds all those who share the gaze.

One very special live stream gazing event, I was beholding the face of Braco and my mind was thinking of loved ones I want to see healed.   I was think how, I would love to bring my list of family and endearing friends to the gaze.   In my mind, I was seeing myself, standing in attendance, watching other receive this gift and then,  EVERYTHING CHANGED.   

So in my minds eye I am imagining being with Braco, but at the side lines, 'working' as it were.  But my eyes were on the computer screen where his face was.  Then, it seemed with every breathe Braco moved closer to me, the computer screen became lighter and more full of light.  And then, everything vanished, there was no Braco, no me, no computer, no table holding the laptop up to my head height.   Just light.

I think I was there for an entire breath.   It was long, before the movement of my lungs made me remember I had a body.   Then, slowly I was back in my house, looking at the computer screen going,"I think I just transcended!"   It took a while to realize that something truly profound had happened.  I had to stifle the urge to jump, Up and shout, as the Gaze was still in progress, maybe I could get back?

It was a glorious few seconds,   I hope to spend more time there.

What it gave me, was the conviction that I am indeed to serve the Divine in bringing light and healing to others.   I know this, but it has been hard to really claim, as I know I am not as Pure a Soul as our dear Braco.  

This short testimony is my public service broadcast.   Braco is gazing, you can purchase a stream.   He is gazing tonight and tomorrow and the from my favourite city, Washington, D. C!!!!

Washington, DC

October 5 – 7

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Sheraton Crystal City Hotel, Arlington

1800 Jefferson Davis Highway
Arlington, Virginia 22202

 

So type Braco-TV into your Google, set up a membership Login, being a member costs nothing.   Then, risk your $3.  You never know, you might get healed, you might meet me in Nirvana!