Another View

At the end of December 2012, Braco graciously offered his gift of 'the Gaze' to us from Miami, USA.

This was a highly stressed time for me.

There were burst pipes in my bathroom which was causing water to leak into the kitchen.    I was very uncomfortable with this situation, and I always think how the kitchen is the heart of the home.   I was discouraged by the consistent lack of support from my Landlord as he looked at it and declared he didn't have time for it.   He would be back from his Holiday on the 6th of January.   Great!  Enjoy your family and your children, but,  what about mine?

So, I had some very sad and angry feelings.

I also had to find ways to bathe myself and my children so no further damage would be caused.   That gives you an idea where I was in my inner world.

I managed to get a few streams of Braco's Gaze booked, however, I had some real financial shortfalls, and wanting to give my childlren some kind of Christmas in the mess of the house we were in, was a real dilemma.    So I booked just the few, which was hard, because I  know from past experience that the energy builds.

This Blog isn't so much about Braco and his Gaze, as I have written a couple on him.   This my experience and testimony to do with, the On Line Community.

There is also another and even more unquantifiable cohesion that happens when being part of the online stream community.

Let me explain;-

My first Gaze session was in May 2012.   So, I am not as long in the tooth with the online Gaze as some.   But I have been part of this community long enough to recognize some peoples 'handles' to use the old fashioned radio terminology.   I see log in names, and I know I want to hear how they are, how their lives and challenges may be shaping up.

When I logged in, the first time, I chatted and tried to make a connection.   Now, during the forward to the actual Gaze stream, the chat dialogue will be disconnected.   Initially, I was grumpy about them cutting off my attempts to meet others who were logged in.   It didn't take me long to realize how important, the chat is & also, how important it is that we focus on the prelude to the Gaze and not chattering away.

Braco's Gaze is extremely unique, powerful and impacts each individual in an amazing spectrum of ways.

I can only tell you about my experiences.   The Gaze holds for each individual, Love, Light & Blessed assistance.

Then, another time, in the chat was a parent who was very worried about their teenage child.   And it happens, from time to time, there are those of us, who are fairly content that we are blessed and will offer to hold the intention of sending the Love & Light that comes from Braco for another.

This has happened several times.   And the chat dialogue is not always moving at the rate you are seeing a request and answering.   Sometimes it is, just like the 'collective unconsciousness'  says, I will hold your loved in the Gaze.   And you will see, in the chat dialogue box, six people say it within less than a heartbeats timing.

Now, one wonderful call for assistance came from one of the online users.   This person was worried about their health and was in crisis.   I asked them, 'May I hold you in the Gaze?'   The reply was Yes.   So, during that stream of the Gaze, I held an individual, I have never met, I had no idea what they look like, but yet I had this sense of connection to them.   Even more amazingly, was after the Gaze session.   This user replied to me, "I felt you in my heart!"

That was quite staggering and awe inspiring to me.

As I know for a fact, I had done nothing but focus my mind to bless another.   I know, any healing or energy felt by that person, was not from me, but rather like a mirror or a prism, reflecting the sun, I was able to offer blessing to another.
I know this because I have been working with subtle energies for sometime.   For some people, they may not be sure what I mean by that statement.   I started practicing Yoga as a teenager.   The physical practice of theYogic asana's teach us in understanding and aligning our chakra's.    These refer to energy centre's in the body.   In college I learned Tai Chi Chuan.   A practice for health, it is to me,  like dancing yoga.   But, Chi, is the word for sublime energy.    When practiced for a long time, you can manipulate your energy, but mostly this is used to strengthen oneself.    Sometimes a practitioner of acupuncture will say they add their Chi, again like a blessing to boost the treatment.

So, when I started working with the Reiki, I found that all my previous study;- Yoga, Tai Chi Chuan  & Chi Kung made my use of the techniques simple.   I could add the Reiki into my physical work, my daily Chi Kung practice and understanding of chakra's, meditation & the Chinese energy system all fell into place.

That is a very tiny nutshell of some larger topics.   I just want you to be able to grasp my meaning of subtle energy.

Now, I can tell you more about this recent Gaze session.

I am in my own little crisis with my house & the Landlord.   I am wanting to give my children a lovely, Christmas!   I have concerns about money and I am trying to get the energy I need, to feel good and peaceful at this time.   I mentioned in the chat room that I was struggling to join all the Gaze's I would like.   Then a beautiful soul paid for me to have the extra streams that I couldn't afford.   This community becomes more like family to me every time I log on!   It was a huge gift for me.   A much needed affirmation that I can be worthy of love & support.

Now, these Gaze session's are not vastly expensive.   There is a reason, even as a Reiki therapist we know we have to charge a fee, {the founder of Usui Reiki, discovered that people did not heal if they did not pay} or ensure an exchange of energy.   This time, it could be, I send you Reiki Healing and you paint my fence.   That is what is meant by 'exchange'.    Though, I feel Braco could charge more for the sessions, I am grateful they are not expensive.   I am grateful for the community I have found with the online members.    I am grateful to have received the blessing of those sessions I couldn't pay for this December.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now, as the final sessions of the Miami 2012 were approaching, there was a thought dawning in my mind.   A user had written a post along the lines of, "it is great that we ask for Our Greatest and Highest Good be brought to us in this Gaze, but what about the Earth?"   This post did cause some discussion.   Because without the Earth functioning, we do not have all the things we need to be happy!   So it is of tremendous importance that the Earth that we walk upon is healthy!

Knowing that when the online community works to bless another, there is a powerful boost for them.   But I know this, in the way that I 'feel' it.   The way the other on line user felt me in their heart.   I also know, that Braco says, within 'The Voice' healing session, that we are Sparks for each other.   That is we hold within our hearts and minds send the healing love & light to another, it will be magnified!   So, I suggested, can we hold the Earth in our hearts for the Voice session?

Just as I hesitantly posted my suggestion, another came forward asking for assistance in physical healing.

So, that session, during the Gaze I held her in my heart.

Now, I had this vision, like when I meditate, I saw this individual being brought toward a crystal light beams of energy. The energy surrounded and encased her, like a divine white blanket.   She disappeared in the light.

This was the first time I had a vision during the Gaze.   I have had my mind wander and been fortunate to be engulfed by the light myself.  

But when I returned to the chat room, one of the online users, who has been Gazing longer than myself, said, "I just witnessed a healing."

It was then I realized what my vision had been about.    I had to then inform him, he wasn't alone.

Now, you could say there was perhaps a suggestion implanted in my subconscious that created this vision.

That is entirely possible.

But, hold your skepticism,  I ask you, until you have Gazed yourself.

May you be blessed by reading this.

Peace, Love & Light and many Blessings for 2013!

Another View

At the end of December 2012, Braco graciously offered his gift of 'the Gaze' to us from Miami, USA.

This was a highly stressed time for me.  

There were burst pipes in my bathroom which was causing water to leak into the kitchen.    I was very uncomfortable with this situation, and I always think how the kitchen is the heart of the home.   I was discouraged by the consistent lack of support from my Landlord as he looked at it and declared he didn't have time for it.   He would be back from his Holiday on the 6th of January.   Great!  Enjoy your family and your children, but,  what about mine?

So, I had some very sad and angry feelings.

I also had to find ways to bathe myself and my children so no further damage would be caused.   That gives you an idea where I was in my inner world.

I managed to get a few streams of Braco's Gaze booked, however, I had some real financial shortfalls, and wanting to give my childlren some kind of Christmas in the mess of the house we were in, was a real dilemma.    So I booked just the few, which was hard, because I  know from past experience that the energy builds.

This Blog isn't so much about Braco and his Gaze, as I have written a couple on him.   This my experience and testimony to do with, the On Line Community.  

There is also another and even more unquantifiable cohesion that happens when being part of the online stream community.

Let me explain;-

My first Gaze session was in May 2012.   So, I am not as long in the tooth with the online Gaze as some.   But I have been part of this community long enough to recognize some peoples 'handles' to use the old fashioned radio terminology.   I see log in names, and I know I want to hear how they are, how their lives and challenges may be shaping up.  

When I logged in, the first time, I chatted and tried to make a connection.   Now, during the forward to the actual Gaze stream, the chat dialogue will be disconnected.   Initially, I was grumpy about them cutting off my attempts to meet others who were logged in.   It didn't take me long to realize how important, the chat is & also, how important it is that we focus on the prelude to the Gaze and not chattering away.  

Braco's Gaze is extremely unique, powerful and impacts each individual in an amazing spectrum of ways.

I can only tell you about my experiences.   The Gaze holds for each individual, Love, Light & Blessed assistance.

Then, another time, in the chat was a parent who was very worried about their teenage child.   And it happens, from time to time, there are those of us, who are fairly content that we are blessed and will offer to hold the intention of sending the Love & Light that comes from Braco for another.

This has happened several times.   And the chat dialogue is not always moving at the rate you are seeing a request and answering.   Sometimes it is, just like the 'collective unconsciousness'  says, I will hold your loved in the Gaze.   And you will see, in the chat dialogue box, six people say it within less than a heartbeats timing.

Now, one wonderful call for assistance came from one of the online users.   This person was worried about their health and was in crisis.   I asked them, 'May I hold you in the Gaze?'   The reply was Yes.   So, during that stream of the Gaze, I held an individual, I have never met, I had no idea what they look like, but yet I had this sense of connection to them.   Even more amazingly, was after the Gaze session.   This user replied to me, "I felt you in my heart!"

That was quite staggering and awe inspiring to me.

As I know for a fact, I had done nothing but focus my mind to bless another.   I know, any healing or energy felt by that person, was not from me, but rather like a mirror or a prism, reflecting the sun, I was able to offer blessing to another.
I know this because I have been working with subtle energies for sometime.   For some people, they may not be sure what I mean by that statement.   I started practicing Yoga as a teenager.   The physical practice of theYogic asana's teach us in understanding and aligning our chakra's.    These refer to energy centre's in the body.   In college I learned Tai Chi Chuan.   A practice for health, it is to me,  like dancing yoga.   But, Chi, is the word for sublime energy.    When practiced for a long time, you can manipulate your energy, but mostly this is used to strengthen oneself.    Sometimes a practitioner of acupuncture will say they add their Chi, again like a blessing to boost the treatment.

So, when I started working with the Reiki, I found that all my previous study;- Yoga, Tai Chi Chuan  & Chi Kung made my use of the techniques simple.   I could add the Reiki into my physical work, my daily Chi Kung practice and understanding of chakra's, meditation & the Chinese energy system all fell into place.

That is a very tiny nutshell of some larger topics.   I just want you to be able to grasp my meaning of subtle energy.

Now, I can tell you more about this recent Gaze session.

I am in my own little crisis with my house & the Landlord.   I am wanting to give my children a lovely, Christmas!   I have concerns about money and I am trying to get the energy I need, to feel good and peaceful at this time.   I mentioned in the chat room that I was struggling to join all the Gaze's I would like.   Then a beautiful soul paid for me to have the extra streams that I couldn't afford.   This community becomes more like family to me every time I log on!   It was a huge gift for me.   A much needed affirmation that I can be worthy of love & support.

Now, these Gaze session's are not vastly expensive.   There is a reason, even as a Reiki therapist we know we have to charge a fee, or ensure an exchange of energy.   This time, it could be, I send you Reiki Healing and you paint my fence.   That is what is meant by 'exchange'.    Though, I feel Braco could charge more for the sessions, I am grateful they are not expensive.   I am grateful for the community I have found with the online members.    I am grateful to have received the blessing of those sessions I couldn't pay for this December.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now, as the final sessions of the Miami 2012 were approaching, there was a thought dawning in my mind.   A user had written a post about, it is great that we ask for Our Greatest and Highest Good be brought to us in this Gaze, but what about the Earth?  

Defending Your Life

I recently purchased a copy of this 1991 film on DVD.

Now, I had seen this movie, years ago.

What I remember was the concept of our judgement after we pass from this existence to the 'spirit'.   I am not sure what prompted me to hit the Add to Basket that day on the Amazon.   I was purchasing another film with a deeper spiritual meaning.   And, I am glad I did.

Watching Defending Your Life today, there seemed an awful lot of those cliches we don't see in films anymore.   What I mean by that, is the waitress at the Diner, she is exactly what you expect, matronly and just a bit too friendly.   But that may be part of the point.   In the Albert Brooks view, the afterlife is made to fit our expectations.

In case you love an older film, that takes a bit of time to develop character and speed, unlike the movies of the past ten years, which are all about bombarding you with explosions and well manicured flesh.   I will try and refrain from spoilers.

Watching the film this time, I saw & heard the notion, we are judged if we allow Fear to be an excuse for any non action in our lives.   Then if we don't have a good defense, the Fear becomes a reason to send us for reincarnation.   So, equal to the words of Anita Moorjani, when we do not honour who we are, what we really want, we create disease, distress and perhaps life threatening illness.   I certainly wasn't raised to put myself before others.    My mother made sure that I knew, to serve Jesus, I had to give!   I had to give in Church and serve others endlessly.   All this, doing, in the hopes that my sins may be forgiven and a place for me in Heaven secured.

Now, for many years I was a seriously devout woman.   I read my Bible using a Daily bread guide for three years.   I used to use several versions of the Bible, liking the poetic style of the King James and yet for discussion the New International Version with plain text was better.   I  can remember, one day my neighbour  asking,"So, what is a sin?"   I was quite agog.   I had taken so much of what I learned as a little girl to be Gospel.   I never asked if there were soft sins, more important vices to be avoided.   I mean, you could say,"Follow the 10 commandments and you will be okay."   But, I heard a minister say, "As long as you confess all your sins and accept Jesus as your Savior before you die, you will be okay."   But does he know?

   What will we be judged on when we pass?

Now, when I look at the 10 commandments, I see actions that we take, that either hurts ourselves or our loved ones.   These are the things we are told not to do.   They all make sense,   don't tell lies about people, don't envy what your neighbour has, be faithful in marriage and don't kill the people that annoy you!    But I know, you have heard and I have heard, Jesus loves you.   No matter what.   And that is a big message from Anita's book, Dying to be me.   That thought, no matter what we do here, we are loved and taken to Heaven.   The concept, that I don't have to be, ticking the boxes, colouring in the lines, really turned my world upside down for days.

Really?   Even if I killed person?

The truth is, that it is True.   The divine has created a path for us to walk.   And it seems, even when we look to play the villain, there is compassion and understanding for the Why that took us to that place.

Then, there is a bigger commandment, make yourself no idols, worship no false Gods.   This is quite fascinating.  Because it seems, the film, Defending Your Life, Anita's book and even my favourite physical study, Taekwon - Do, all agree, there should only be One!   

Now, with the study of taekwon - Do, the concept of serving One King, is very important to modern living.   Many people get so caught up in 'the Rat Race'  they don't realize that 'work' can now claim them totally.    For so many people, the deflated response to extra training is, "I have to work!".    But work used to be a means to an end!    Nowadays, people are terrified to lose their jobs, even if they are unhappy there!   Even if being unhappy and dreading another shift is draining the life force out of them!   They need the money!   It is as if, they have put money before the pursuit of happiness.   Before having quality time and enjoying their family.


I do not have an answer for the current state of affairs.   I know, where I live, there are hundreds of people out of work, and hundreds to apply for each open position!  Many of the candidates well too qualified for the job.   So, I know, it is hard to get even a poor choice position, on a low wage!  I know!

The point is more, who are you serving!

If, you looked into your heart, and you asked, what do I really want?

And the answer is, I always wanted to paint.   I always wanted to work in the fresh air and sunshine.

Sometimes, the desires of our own heart gets so obscured by the desires of those we love and our family.   I know!   I am a mother.   I can tell you of year after year, putting my hopes and dreams on hold to stay at home and look after my children.   And sometimes now, I have to go to work, when all I want to do is, enjoy sometimes with my children.   It is very difficult to get a balance between what we 'do',  our jobs, our income, and what we dream of being.  Or dream of Living!

But I believe, we have to look.


We have to seek what is in our hearts.   

We need to awaken to what we really are, and that is one sparkling part of the Divine!

That is why, if we do not put ourselves, our hopes and dreams first;- we may end up living a lift that seems hopeless.

Do not be one of those who live lives of quiet desperation.   That quote first penned by Thoreau has lived for generations, it has survived that long because there is TRUTH in that statement.

It is all to common for us to stay in an unhappy alliance, because we think we are 'doing' the right thing.  

I have done it.   I have stayed too long in unhappy relationships.   I have stayed too long working with a Bully.   I needed it.  

I needed it, so that I would learn, I needed to learn, that my voice should wait any more to be heard.

You might not like my opinion.

You might think my belief in the realm of spirits and healing energy totally eccentric.

That doesn't matter, what matters is,
If you take this opportunity to figure out, exactly what you think.  And Exactly what your Heart Longs for you to do!

The Sun, Braco's Symbol, Remembering My Connection

About 6 month's ago, a wonderful vibrant soul guided me to Braco.

 Michele Blood, asked me if I had heard of Bratzio.   When I heard the name I thought, he must be Italian.    No, she spelled it for me, He is from Croatia.    She said to find his website at Braco-TV.com.  

Michele explained further,  "You see, if you want the vibrant states of health, peace and abundance, you really want to meditate daily and surround yourself with as much light as possible."  
Okay, I have even heard this concept from a more ordinary business model, that of one of the Sales Team Leaders from Herbalife.  She had rough times making sales and shared that she was told by her Mentor to go home!    This was strange to her, but he said, just go and read inspiring books.   This, was part of the way that she began to find more success.   What I believe the real message is, in this manner You are changing, what and how You feel on the inside.   This inner world,   Your inner world, this part of feeling and personal dialogue must be tended to.    As it is from that inner place, that the world responds to us.

Michele then said to me, "Usually there are 2 - 3 Enlightened  Individual's on the planet at one time.   You see, things are really changing, we have at least 11 Enlightened Individuals and you want to get as much exposure to them as possible."

Now, I had heard Brandon Bays talk about sitting and meditating with Masters.   This is one way to change your thought patterns to approach enlightenment.   It can take years of meditating in the presence of a Master, but

IT
Is the time honoured tradition of how the student can become a Master.

So, I had written down what Michele told me to do.    I  found the Braco-TV.com website and joined up as a member.

 Now membership is free!   So, this is not a hook to get you to throw money at the latest Hollywood Guru.   No!     The live streaming experience is, 'Cheap as Chips'.  That is what the British would say.   You can buy 1 on line stream for $3.   Yes, that is $3, I did not hit the wrong currency key by mistake.   So, for us in the UK it is even cheaper than chips!  Ha ha!


But what is it?   And why is the Sun Braco's Symbol?


This is my second posting about Braco.   But, it is because I feel his work is so important, true and relevant to everyone on the Earth today!    

{In saying that, I do not believe we all need to travel the same path towards healing and enlightenment.  No.   It is just that this 'gift'of Light through Braco is so immediate and simple.   You need to do nothing, no hours on your knees praying.  No penance   No fasting, no 5 am Yoga &  chanting session.   He adamantly has printed on the screen before and after the Gaze, that there is no Dogma to be found here.   So, the 'gift' of light is for you to receive and interpret.   That, is fabulous!
Being born and raised in the USA, I believe we each have our own amazing world within.   There is no one, set, prescribed way to live your life.   Or we would all be doing the exact same thing! }

So, my first Gaze session, I had that whole cynical voice in my head going, what?  he is just going to stand there?    But I also have spent years studying Yoga, Tai chi chuan, Reiki and subtle energies.  So I know that the energy can flow from his eyes.   But, I did have that voice in my head asking me if I knew what I was doing?    Then, the voice quieted and the tears came.  I mean, streaming tears and this feeling,  like, this longing had been in me for so long.   Such a lonely, unloved place within me that missed what it was that Braco was sending through his Gaze.   It was powerful, overwhelming and calming, all at the same time.

Now, this Sunce  is the Sun Symbol used by Braco.      As I understand, he made this as a gift for his mentor, Ivica.     In time, another would be made.  For a time, these pendants were worn by the 'inner circle' of volunteers.    Now, the pendant can be bought by those at a Live event.   Some even say there is healing energy available with these pendants!
I do not have any personal experience of this.   But I would love to go to a Live Event, I dream of taking my loved ones who are ill, and friends who I know are suffering,  to see Braco.    I wish to be a volunteer to witness them in the Gaze so they can have a taste of this healing.   I also, hope to have the money to purchase a Sunce just for myself!

Now this picture, is Braco!   Here he is, in a special building used for his work.   He had this room, the Onyx Room, made just for the Gaze sessions.   {I have to be careful, because I just called it healing sessions.   The energy from the Gaze is not to be labeled, it does what is in the Greatest and Highest good for All.}   But, notice the Sun symbol.   How it is always behind him, like a guiding force for his Gazing power.

So, I have experienced a number of Gazing sessions now.    My favourite, was when Braco was  in Hawaii.   He had 10 consecutive days of Gaze sessions available.   It was such a treat!   It was also too good to keep to myself, and I did have one friend that I trusted enough to share it with.

During those lovely days of having the chance to have two or three sessions of the Gaze, I learned more about Braco and his mentor Ivica.   I also learned that the Sun was his symbol.   But all this became more relevant after I bought and read Angelika Whitcliff's book,  21 Days with Braco.

The book gives those of us from a Western background a better understanding of all the reasons, why the Gaze is.

But,

But, as I was enjoying the story unfolding of how Angelika experienced her transformation through the Gaze,  I was reminded of how I used to just stand in the Sun as a young girl.

I have always call myself a Sun Worshiper.   I was not always tanning myself as a young girl, it was just so important to me to be outdoors, in the air & light.

Then, as life changes us, I too became more indoors, and when I was in college,  I would make it a habit to stop, turn my face to the sun and close my eyes.   I would just see this golden energy from behind my closed eyelids.   I would breathe as deeply and stand as long as I could, without drawing too much attention to myself.   But, in this manner, I imagined I was getting a quick charge of energy for the time I would be sitting in a lecture hall.    What I read in Angelika's book, connected me to a part of me I had forgotten.

It really woke that intuitive, trusting, in Love with the natural world around me,  part of Me! 

I hope that sentence makes sense to you.  

But I had forgotten how I used to do that.   I forgot how I just knew the Sun was an energy source!   And the more I read, how Braco decided that the shape of his Sun symbol had to be uneven edges, like, when you see the Sun shine through leaves of a tree?
 Even just hearing that description, reminded me of blissful days, 'just being' on the Earth,


And


{forgive me for sounding like a TV commercial}

But, Lovin' It!

 the stronger a connection I felt to him and his work.   That just reminded me of so many days of pure joy as a young girl.   That pure joy of being alive!   When you are a child, there is no worry about tomorrow, where  will the money come from, or how shall I provide for others?    This is the state of mind that I understand that  one achieves in Enlightenment.  


Angelika writes it so beautifully in her introduction;-

Destiny is calling.  To reach it we must reconnect to nature,  become child-like again in our spontaneity and love of simple pleasures, simplify our lives and reorganize our values to step away from our consumer driven ways to embrace an integrity of connection to the spirit within; to family, communities and our world.

Destiny is calling, and it is offering us opportunity, a gift to have back our happiness and strength, and it has come in the most unexpected of ways.


As I said, this is the second time I have written about Braco.   In an attempt to give you all the information you need to find his website and try an online stream.   Not because I am an affiliate member, but because, I know! I know, there are others out there whose hearts our holding longing and grief.    Because I know, your bodies struggle with constant pain everyday.   This is not how we are meant to live..

We are children,  we were given the Earth to enjoy and play on.  
We have lost our way, we need to connect to our truth, our divine soul light.   

That light, I believe you may find in Braco's Gaze.   As I shared with you before, I believe I spent moments in that space of Love, that Light at the end of the tunnel.  


Thank you Braco for sharing your Gaze!

Year 11

The year that I turned 11, was quite a turbulent year.   

Up until I was about 16 years old, I thought the reason why my mother was so angry was because of,  Me!   I thought, I was the cause of all her life's disappointments.   

{Just to be perfectly precise;-  That was how I felt.}

It is the same feeling, any child of divorced parents get, when they think, their parents' divorce is all their fault.   It isn't a logical conclusion, it is one based on feelings and impressions.    Probably the biggest factor in my conclusion, that I was the sole cause of my mother's anger and my parents divorce came when I was 11 years old.

We moved house, not only did we leave the house I had known for the longest period of time.   {My father was in the Navy so moving every few years was fairly common.}   But we had been in that house, 135 Weston Drive for 6 years!  The move wasn't just to a better area, we moved to another state, so we could be closer to my Dad's aging parents and within months, my grandfather died.

The start of school that year was stressful for me.   I can remember being so anxious, that I did not get a minute of sleep.  My brother and sister were a few years older and they were both in High School & Middle school,  respectively.   So I was dropped at the local Elementary school, which was not expecting me.

On that very first day, when any school teacher will tell you there is plenty to do, I was passed from one classroom to another.   It was as if I had walked in from the Twilight Zone.  There weren't any papers filled in, so no one knew anything about what school I had come from, nor which class I should be in.  {What seems very odd to me now is, why wasn't my mother there to fill in forms and permission slips,etc?   Why was I so insignificant that my first day in a new school would be left to no one checking to see if everything was in place?}

So, there are feelings of neglect and abandonment.   There is also Bewilderment, I wasn't able to give the adults the answers they were looking for, and they had no way to contact one who could!

However, someone did notice me.  There was a young girl in the class they finally decided was a good fit for me.  Patty sat at a desk all by herself, up on a little stage area.  She looked at me when I walked in and declared,"You don't belong here!"

Perhaps she was able to read the feelings in my heart, that I felt an outsider, a stranger and was desperately looking for ANY sign that I did belong.   But, whatever the reason that drove her to make her judgement on me, those words had a long lasting impact.    {It strikes me as funny to note, that in the many years since I thought about this one day, I can still recall the bizarre woolen vest she wore and her brown skirt.  All the details held in sharp focus,so that I could replay the pain of being an outcast in the small village culture that the Elementary school had already created.}  How was I to make friends and influence people?

So, my first day at my new school was far too stressful!

Because we moved, I had to say good bye to a wonderful friend.   I had left behind a friend that I had been close to for 5 years.   I think, Melissa Bunk and I were 'Best' friends on the first day of Elementary school.    Melissa had gone with us, on our family's annual two weeks to Rehobeth Beach together.   We made up songs, and performed them for my Granny.   We bought matching dresses and skirts.  We even had a crush on the same teenage boy at the Carnival games.   This was a special, close friendship.   So, it was hard to be in a place looking for a friendly face after having had the privilege of a friendship with warmth and like-minded play.

We saw each other again about 12 months after the move, but we were both quite changed by the experiences in our lives.  When I really think it over, it was probably that I had been through so much in such a short space of time.

To find another friend like that, was a Tall task.

I did make some friends.  I found myself in the fold of a group.   The leading girl told us, we needed to get Dale to break up with Yvonne.   I wasn't sure why, but I went along with her and the other girls and we told Dale.   That afternoon Dale did as he was told and Yvonne cried and begged in front of all of us.   I think, the point of that exercise was so the lead girl could date Dale herself.   The real effect of this afternoon, was the fact that Dale had an older sister, Gail.   Gail drove me home.   When she came in to see if I had supervision, she met my older Brother.   From that day, Gail was willing to have me over, drive me home, stay with me at the house.   Because she thought my brother was cute!

Anyhow, that group of people, they weren't really good friends for me.  It was really a clique.  I might have been lucky to have been snapped up by them, but really, I longed for the confidences and writing songs and dancing to music like I had with Melissa.  I wrote to her regularly those first few months.

Our move, was also a promotion for my father.  We now lived in a fancy house on the Naval Base.   It was one of five houses.  The Surgeon General lived next door to us.  His house was the biggest of all the five and had central position on our crescent.   There were no other living quarters near us.   That was also the word we used to describe our home, 'the Quarters'.  There was only one other family with young kids, so we would play with them often.
In many ways, this should have been a fabulous move for all of us.   We had a bigger house, I mean who doesn't want a bigger house?   There was very little to worry about, as there were guards who checked cars coming and going from the Base.  We lived in a very secluded area of the Base.   This meant, riding bikes, skateboards and playing out side was a safe activity.   There was a community pool, a bit too far for us to walk too, so we would go in the car.   But it also had the Officers' Club which we all went to once for a special celebratory meal.   I remember watching my mother and father dance that night.   It was the first night I tried filet-mignon.  I loved watching my parents dance, they were a beautiful couple.  I also really enjoyed the soft, luxurious meat I had that night too.

It was at some point, after my grandfather died that he came to see me.   That was a very traumatic night.

I think my parents found me quite a difficult child.  I was always told I had 'such an active imagination'.   You know, kinda in a huff, the way parents tell you what you just said is silly or unimportant!   Because, I remember climbing out of bed one night, and my mother desperately trying to talk me back into my bedroom.   I was trying to describe to her that the lights were keeping me up.   I could see, these little light bubbles moving about.  My father said, I had probably cut off the circulation some where.  He probably meant to my brain!
Do you know?   Just the other day, I was listening to a lecture from an Enlightened teacher talking about how some people perceive the presence of the divine.   {Can you guess what I am about to say?}
She described the movement of thoughts and energy forms, as tiny light bubbles!   So, every time I shut my eyes and they were there,  I thought, oh, I must make sure to lie flat!   Don't want to cut off any circulation!

Okay, so the last in the long line of trauma for this year, is . . .   {Drum roll}.   My father announcing he was moving out.   I stayed up all night that night!   But the tears and drama of that evening were truly only the beginning of the pain.  As, for some reason, my mother made me go to a psychiatrist.

This was my main reason for believing that, all those years as a little girl, when she was scrubbing the house to cleaner than Hospital sanitary standards;-  the venom with which she set about to house work and her daily exercise routine, had to do with her disappointment and frustration over, staying home with me.   Now, she never told me, I would like you to go.   She never offered it.   I was just sent.   Like I was just sent to a school that wasn't expecting me.  I was packed off to weekly meetings with a psychiatrist and I had no reason for why I was going.  

The real kicker for me was, neither my brother nor sister went.   So, I just sat there and said nothing.   I said nothing for fear of, if I opened my mouth and talked about seeing lights or my passion for dancing with the lights or my visit from my Grandfather.   I might never get to go home.

So, this last equation to this series of traumatic life changing events was the one that put me in shut down.  For the next 2 decades if anyone confronted me, I would just shut down.  It was my only way of self preservation.  

I guess it worked.  I am still here.  

However, there were many times when I needed a voice.  There were many times when I needed me, to stand up, just for myself.

Now, The best part!

 Welcome my brother's girlfriend.

So, flash forward to the age 16.   My brother is visiting home from College now, and he has brought with him his live in girlfriend.   She is kind enough to fill in all the blanks to my parents marriage and the divorce.  It made so much sense to me after that.   She really helped me begin to see that I wasn't the cause of my mothers anger.   That was a much need relief!  

You may not Like this . . .

I have held back many details of my relationship with my Ex Husband.

Part of the reason is that Fear, the fear that you might say, 'what a load of rubbish!'

But actually, I know that is his voice.   That is his criticism of me.  

I have pages of stories to share with you.  When I first starting writing my stories, of what I have seen as a child and what happened to me as I grew up in the mold of; - a Man dominates, a Man dictates, the Man in Your Life, is the 'Bringer of Life.'   Now that last statement I know comes from my Mother's thought patterns and I know she was determined that My Father should live, like a King in his own home.  But, her total commitment to this Paradigm meant that, without a Man or Husband there was no living.  

My Ex Husband taught me how flawed I was.  

He took every opportunity to fish in the cracks of my upbringing and personality.   I should, actually Thank him for it, as having a really intimate knowledge of what I fail at, I can be totally honest about, Who I am!

Now, for the last six years of my marriage, I spent my days crying and praying. 

I can remember, after one particularly difficult night, where the theme of our 'fight'  was about the fact that I should worship at the feet of my Husband for the fact that he went out to work and paid for me to live in his house and eat his food.  At the end of this battle, I was on my knees, face down on the carpet to demonstrate, what I thought He wanted.   What I remember of that evening was two things.  One, was a clear heavy presence in our home.  I can remember thinking in the morning, that I had been protected by all the praying I had been doing.   That the 'fight' itself had not escalated, that the fight had remained just a small matter of cross words and my subservience as;-  because of all the words and prayers I had whispered, we had a protective shield.

But I also remember, being on the floor like that, the tears and the utter shame of having to prostrate myself to my Husband and seeing that look of utter disgust in his eyes.  I was doing what he was shouting at me I should do, every time he returned home from work.   Then, he smugly turned on his heal and proclaimed I was "Pathetic for giving up my devotion to Jesus to worship him." 

I then carried the shame of 'turning' my back on Jesus.   I think that is probably when it started to become easier to imagining leave my Husband.   There was nothing left to hold on too.   If I had to worship Him, how could I truly live my life?   I didn't think my Husband was God.   Sometimes I didn't even think he was nice at all.   In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I felt any warmth for him in my heart.  I was just walking on egg shells, trying to get through each day without setting him off!  {Now there is no sexual reference there,}

I solely mean, igniting this angry, cruel darkness that resided within him.  

{In reading back over this now, Now. Seven years since the day I took my children and fled.  I wonder if that cruel darkness I always thought of as him, was more to do with that heave dark presence in the house.   You can call it Evil, but for searchers of higher consciousness, it is referred to as the Maya.  The Maya can shape us, be our lessons in this life.   But, rest assured, hard as the lessons are, there is no Devil to Fear.}

Now, I had my patterns, I would get the kids in the front room and put on CBeebies or some such show that they could enjoy, while I would try and get things in order.   So, this was my way to get the house  in a way that He would find acceptable.   Then I would feed the kids.   Normally, he would come in, see the kids, check that things were to his liking and head down the pub.   After dinner, there was clean up, stories, bath and bed time.  Sometimes it would be 9 pm before all that was finished.   Sometimes it would be later, depending on how the bedtime routine went.   Usually he would be back home by then, watching TV in the front room.

If he came home and I sensed that pull in my gut.   That queasy, stomach churning nervousness, I knew he was close to erupting, I would rush the process up.   {In order to get the kids away from his wrath.}  They weren't to blame that I was useless.

During the time that I was fully aware of the fact that I no longer held love or any form of affection in my heart for my Husband, he started to get more volatile.   I had a very good friend who helped me a great deal by listening to me.  She said to me,"Jesus did not die on a cross so you could suffer like this."  It was very liberating to know someone who was a Believer, also felt that I could break my marriage vow and still have the Love from the Divine.   Because I thought I would have to give up both.  My marriage and my devotion to Christ.   

So, things were getting worse between my Husband and myself.   I cannot remember the last time we had and physical intimacy.   {And I promise I will discuss in detail how one can have years of sex and know nothing about true intimacy & Love, it is a cutting and very exposing subject, but I promised and I am going to open that door for you.}   Because there is so much to understand about how even sex can be a weapon.  {And I believe culturally we believe women use sex that way, ie withholding the intimacy until they get what they want,}   But, in the same way that, a man having sex with you, doesn't mean he loves you.  I had to face, that although, we were married, there wasn't any real Love, Honour or Truth in our Holy Union.   Then I had to open my eyes to the fact that we hadn't 'made love' in nearly a decade.    

I believe that my Husband had a gut feeling that he was losing me.   He had struggled with my renewed confidence and the spark of strength that was growing within me from my Coaching job.   He had to push harder to keep me believing I wasn't strong enough to leave.   I can remember how confusing it was at times.   I would go to work and hear how Fantastic I was as a Pre School Gymnastics Coach.  Then I would come home and be told how disgusting and completely incompetent I was.   I felt confused and frustrated, how could both be true about me?

THEN . . .

There was a terrible, terrible night.   This horrific fight took place shortly after we had been to visit my family.   Now this cycle of cruelty became apparent only after I left and started to really open up to others who had a similar experience.  I am talking about the fact that, the mental abuse was always a continual onslaught before we got to my family, as well as, on the way back to our home.   What I couldn't see at the time, was that this was his way of keeping me in check.  Should I go home and be with my family and realize that I have the power, strength and perhaps even total support to leave him?   He had to ensure I could never see that as a possibility!   After this fight, I can remember he didn't go into work the next morning.  As this was still the summer Holidays' for the kids, they had no school or play groups.   It didn't take me long to decipher the sounds of him and the kids in the kitchen.

I would normally stay in bed or duck into another room where I could put on an exercise video, in the morning.   This was my way of staying out of his way.  But he hadn't left for work!  So, I went towards the kitchen, I wanted a lovely cup of Tea.  So, he was standing in the centre of the room watching the kids eat and I went along the wall side, this was the long way to go around him.

He must have been cutting fat off bacon because he turned and lifted the knife he was carving with and thrust it in my face.

"Tell the kids what you are planning to do?" he shouted and demanded.

To be sure, I had no plan.   I had, at that very point, just reasoned I had no fixed and  spiritually penalizing reason to stay.   I wanted to go to Heaven, but I never wanted my kids raised seeing this constant erosion of their Mother.  {Now, back then, all I knew was that I needed to live without constant Fear!}

This would be the final assault!    As, up until this moment, he had never carried out any physical violence against me in front of anybody.   He was quite happy to speak to me in the most horrible way in front of others at a party.   Or, he would happily belittle me in front of strangers at the airport.   So, he would mentally or emotionally abuse me around our children, but never any such serious physical threats.  But I knew this was a line he had crossed.  If he would hold a knife to my face in front of the kids over the thoughts that.

I
Might,
Be,
Planning,
To,
Leave.

What else would he do before their eyes?

This was very frightening.   I ran back to the bed room.  I grabbed the phone and rang my family.   Now, anyone with young children will tell you, you are up earlier than the average household.   So, when I rang my mother, my step Father answered.   He forbade me ever to ring them again, and I do, still, avoid it at all costs!  {Thank you very much for your understanding}

I then rang my Brother.  My Brother, as best he could over the phone, stood between my Husband and myself.  I can remember my husband saying to my brother how blatantly difficult I was to live with.  To which I shouted abuse.  I can't even begin to express to you, why I didn't just tell my brother, He just put a knife in my face, less that two inches from my eye!   You still want me to believe Love lives in my house?

It was the end.  Support from my family or no.   I had to get away from him.   He had no respect for me.  

I also think, in the scriptures, there is a reference to a man should Love his Wife as he Loves himself.   So, his lack of respect and cruelty towards me, also exists within him towards himself.   

Okay, so this super frightening situation had to happen to get me to truly wake up and pack up!

Now, my point in saying You aren't going to like this is,

Sometimes it takes hard medicine to get us well again.   Sometimes it takes those closest to us to give that terrible stuff over to us.

I didn't like any of the belittling and cruelty that he handed me, but I hadn't got the lesson the first time!

I had to learn, to be True to Myself.  

I had to learn, that I am Important, and my beliefs are valid.   If the person I am with does not support me as I am, I am better off without them in my Life!   Regardless of whether we had matching $600 dollar rings on our third fingers.   None of that matters.

I also had to learn that the Love of the Divine was in me, with me, and would never leave me.

Even if, I, was the one to take a carving knife to a face.

One of the ways that I find helpful in realizing the Gifts that we are given by the experiences in our lives, is for me to think of the people, as if they are characters in a Dramatic Production.   That way, they individuals can still hold their Divine Beauty.  

Because, there were many years I did love the man that I married.

If I hadn't been deeply devoted I wouldn't have been so shocked and crushed that he so easily became like some rogue henchmen from the Spanish inquisition.

What has been hardest for me to make peace over and quell the questions that endlessly prevail in my mind, Why?  Why would my Soul mate treat me in this manner?   When I would never turn on him?
But, now is the time.  It is time to release these wounds and be grateful for the beauty of lesson.

I have so much to be grateful for.   I have insight into the importance of my Dreams.

I have insight into the fact that it is Easy to tear someone's confidence down.

It takes True strength of character, to care enough about someone else to work to build up their confidence!

That is one of the things I would really love to do for you!   I would love for you to know, you are beautiful, you are worthy, and there is nothing you can do that will stop Divine Love from supporting you!

Braco, Gazing & Enlightenment

Braco is an individual.

I was introduced to this man, not literally, as I have only ever streamed his Gaze.

Braco, pronounced Brachio, is a Croatian, humble servant to the Divine Love of the Universe.

He is just simply amazing!

I have posted several times on my Facebook page and tell anyone who has any form of healing crisis.  What I mean by that is, anyone who suffers, emotionally, physically or spiritually.   This man can assist.

The first time I Gazed, I cried.   Tears simply streamed from my eyes, for as soon as I looked into Braco's eyes it was as if, this is what my Soul had been longing for.   It is Love, but not the Disney movie thing, we in Western Society think of as 'the One'.   No.   This Love flows from Braco's Gaze in Waves.  So profound was this moment I had to have some more.

Now, Gazing is inexpensive.   It is $3 a stream.   That really isn't much to pay, for the chance that you may be healed?    Really?   Think about it.   Think about all those poor soul's who pay out thousands for weight-loss pills and shakes.   How much would you pay to feel connected to the One Source of our creation, tell me, what would that cost if a Human could bottle it?

So the streams are not dear.   Your effort is to just stand, if physically possible before him, and 'gaze' back with an open heart and mind.

Now, I am blessed enough with a friend who has an open mind.   I asked her to come over and she stood in the Braco's Gaze with me.   We shared our experiences, and she had a visual experience, were Braco's face changes.   For me,  he begins to look more and more like Jesus, for my good friend, she saw a Norse God.   I believe, you may see who you feel most connected to on the High Spiritual Realm.   It's my working theory.

But, there is so much more available to this silent stare we share with thousands every time we stream.   There is always a Host, who explains perhaps how they discovered Braco.   Then there are brave soul's who stand up and share how their live's have been forever improved by this man,   There is just a wondrous connection and Divine Spark that surrounds all those who share the gaze.

One very special live stream gazing event, I was beholding the face of Braco and my mind was thinking of loved ones I want to see healed.   I was think how, I would love to bring my list of family and endearing friends to the gaze.   In my mind, I was seeing myself, standing in attendance, watching other receive this gift and then,  EVERYTHING CHANGED.   

So in my minds eye I am imagining being with Braco, but at the side lines, 'working' as it were.  But my eyes were on the computer screen where his face was.  Then, it seemed with every breathe Braco moved closer to me, the computer screen became lighter and more full of light.  And then, everything vanished, there was no Braco, no me, no computer, no table holding the laptop up to my head height.   Just light.

I think I was there for an entire breath.   It was long, before the movement of my lungs made me remember I had a body.   Then, slowly I was back in my house, looking at the computer screen going,"I think I just transcended!"   It took a while to realize that something truly profound had happened.  I had to stifle the urge to jump, Up and shout, as the Gaze was still in progress, maybe I could get back?

It was a glorious few seconds,   I hope to spend more time there.

What it gave me, was the conviction that I am indeed to serve the Divine in bringing light and healing to others.   I know this, but it has been hard to really claim, as I know I am not as Pure a Soul as our dear Braco.  

This short testimony is my public service broadcast.   Braco is gazing, you can purchase a stream.   He is gazing tonight and tomorrow and the from my favourite city, Washington, D. C!!!!

Washington, DC

October 5 – 7

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

Sheraton Crystal City Hotel, Arlington

1800 Jefferson Davis Highway
Arlington, Virginia 22202

 

So type Braco-TV into your Google, set up a membership Login, being a member costs nothing.   Then, risk your $3.  You never know, you might get healed, you might meet me in Nirvana!

Ice Tidal Wave.

Have You ever been so lonely that your best friend was your Teddy Bear?    Mine wasn't a Bear, he was Timothy, a red Mouse.
I wasn't an only child.    I wasn't raised by a single Mum who was worried about where the money for rent came from.
In fact, most of the reasons I can think of, for someone who has been left out and ignored so much as a child, just don't fit the way my childhood looks. 

In May 2012, I went on Theta DNA Basic and Advanced practitioner's course.   It was truly a deep healing course and many old wounds were brought to the light.   It was on this course, that helped me put to rest one of the remaining HUGE issues from my childhood.

It is hard for me to speak ill of my mother, and in this way, because I understand the why's and wherefores that brought about this state.  But my inner child, identifies herself as the neglected and unwanted child of The Ice Tidal Wave.

Every summer, my children and I visit my family.   I love this time, I can be with my kids without having to stress them about time, homework etc.   I can just enjoy them!   But, at the same time, it is my time to get the sun on my skin.   I can be a bit hard and fast about needing the Beach!    I love the warmth of the sun on my skin.   I love building sand castles.   I love jumping in the water for a splash.

Now, during these weeks with family, I am often in the ocean with my kids and my nieces and nephews.   Sometimes the water is great, just gentle rolling waves.   Then the water can be fierce, and the waves are coming in fast and the undertow strong.   There have been moments where I am looking into a wall of water, and wondering can I keep a grip on the youngest and smallest of these precious children.   Sometimes, those moments overwhelm me with fear and inadequacy.   The wall of water, is merciless.   It even happened again this summer, and the water won!   I lost my grip on one of the kids and we were knocked head over heels, salt sea, sand up my nose, knees scratched up and my mind trying to regain it's balance.

This feeling of being tossed like cat toy, not knowing where you are, as you try to keep your eyes from being  hurt by sand.   That feeling, is very much how I experience my childhood.   But, you have to add, the hard, cruel freezer burn temperature, that seals this experience.

 There are just a few people, who can understand why it was the way it was for me.   One, is my dearest closest friend.   Yes, you could say my oldest, best friend, but as I am two years her senior, I think we will just leave age out of it, Yes?
I never wanted to speak bad about my mother, as she went through so much.  My father, whom I will write about extensively, as he has the most amazing mind set!   I actually found that, when I was watching the film, The Other Boleyn Girl, that I could really feel an energetic sympathy, that made me wonder, could my father have ever had a past life where he was in a position like 'king'.    He just will take what he wants, whenever he wants, he feels completely entitled to the Best of everything, and uses and discards others in the most heartless manner.    That is the essence of the man who I call Father.   But, this blog is dedicated to the half of my first lessons in this life.   My mother.   My mother was devastated by my Father's behaviour.

My mother was brought up a Catholic.   So, she wanted that for us too.   Her mother was in charge in her childhood home, which my mom felt was wrong.   So she decided her husband would be "King" in his home!   Now her mother, was still having and raising children when my mother got married.   It is one of those bizarre facts, that when my mother married, her mother had a 6 month old baby!    I just cannot imagine that.   But this also led my mother to decide that she would have a career and perhaps one child.   So, when my mom met my dad, and they dated and talked about the life they would have;-  The plan had been, that my father would open a private practice and she would help with the office and research!    What eventually came to pass, was in medical school, he watched others give talks.   He decided he wanted to be in front of large crowds and be the one teaching and lecturing.   As my mother had wanted for him, she gave him the power to change the direction of where their 'life' plan was heading.
So, early on my mother had a baby.   Actually, she might have felt it too soon.   But, this life, was very short lived.   The first child born to my parents lived just a day.   I believe this sent my mother into 'reaction'.  Perhaps she felt some guilt, some punishment, that with her deeply rooted religious belief, that God was sending a message.   So, there was a change in her.  She then had another child.   Now, her husband was still in Medical school.   This child, was not a good sleeper.   He was more than two hand fulls and my mother was often putting him in a buggy to walk around the block, just to get a chance to stop the crying!
What is so interesting, is the change in her.   She went from holding her view of being the career woman with perhaps one child, to this new bigger family plan.   My father says he always wanted a big family.   My mother never wanted that.   Now, she jumps into this roll.   {I don't think many women would be surprised to read, that marriage changed who they were.   Many times, this change is the normal development from woman to mother.   But other times it costs us more than we really wanted to pay.   Sometimes we change so much, we forget, who we are and what we really wanted for our lives.}  But, even though, she made this sacrifice, so that he could have the family he desired.    

Now, this next story, is so part of my consciousness.   I am not sure, when I first learned that my father started to abuse my mother, but I feel as if I have always known the first time, was when my mother was pregnant with me!  

One of my Father's favourite games,  {Please, pardon my use of the word game here.   I don't know what other way to describe it.   What he does is sick, it hurts everyone.   I know he views it as a 'delicious' and he even went so far as to tell me, "A Love triangle is the Best place to be!"}   is to play one lover off the other.   Now, this type of emotional abuse, is very corrosive and cruel in the harshest sense.  How, my Father discovered this as this wonderful, ego boosting technique is unfathomable.   But, his mother once told me, that he always had several girlfriends.  So,  here is my mother, pregnant with me, finding a Love letter from the other woman.   Her thoughts, her feelings, her knee jerk reaction are all a part of my consciousness.

Now, the other thing I had to learn, was on the Theta course, was that my mother started in denial.   She refused to acknowledge her hunger, in a vain attempt to keep her looks, she started this non eating regime, which she still follows to this very day.   {On the course,  I was taken back, to being the baby in the womb, and all I wanted was to get out of there!   Her mind was spinning!   Why was he doing this?   How can I compete?   How can I hold it together?   It was so painful for her.   Every time she looked around she already had two kids, they both looked like him.   My mom was too proud to turn to any one for help.  She tried to soldier on, with all this anguish in side her.}   If you ever had a boyfriend cheat on you?   You know how you begin to doubt your self, your attractiveness.   Well, add that too, being a mom, two small kids and one well on the way!

Can I just say,  there is a picture of my mother holding me, just three weeks old, she is as skinny as a supermodel!

So, that was the first time.   Basically, it got too good for him to give up that drama!   He repeats this, finds a lover, passively informs my mother.  She 'fights'  for him.   He sometimes stays away weeks.   But then comes back.  That is a really simplified version of events.  Some affairs seemed far more serious, from my perspective, than others.   Then, there was also the power corruption that happened when he was home.   My father was a great one for changing the rules at a whim.   Now what this really meant, was that, my mother, who was home with us would set a rule and by dismissing her rules, he took her power away.

 This is the key to what abuse is about.   It is about power and control.

So, by the time, he decided he needed a new female lead in his love triangles, and leaves my mother, she is left scarred and  just as fragile as light bulb glass.   It was as if, he took battery acid and poured it on her, she had wounds and scars and it took just a whisper to make her scream, cry or shout.   It was hard to know where to stand, how to sit, what I could do in order to please her.

I often thought, that my relationship, the the very physically abusive, Symbol.  {As mentioned in a former Post}    I thought, that his highly critical manner was my way of trying to make peace with my relationship with my mother.   It is still a bit emotional for me to get to this place.   I can feel I am at the brink of the Pool of Sorrow's.

The Pool of Sorrow's is every Christmas, every Birthday for the next 5 years!   At each of these events, at some point, my mother is curled in a heap, crying so hard, saying, "I want my family".   I can remember looking around,  There would be all her children.  We would be there surrounding her, and all she wanted was that man!   The man that left her, and made her feel so unattractive, {she was always beautiful!}   that man, who we pretended to have fun around so she could take a picture!   To make her happy!?   Why did she want him??

Now, this may sound really rude and my language may shock you.   But I was approaching 16 years old and when my mother started this, or I knew we were having 'talks' about who we would see on Christmas Eve and who we would see on Christmas Day.  I would just become defensive, because it was so painful for me.  She would crying over that guy!  So I just said, "all she cares about is the Dick!"

And I actually thought, that was it!   That the main reason I was unimportant was that I was not a man!

Now, all that into consideration.

As a baby in the womb, my mother denied me.    As a baby in her arms, she felt {to me, remember, this is my impression} as if, everything was more important.   The house had to be absolutely perfect,   There was always something in the order above me.

My mom, would always be 'doing' something in order to make the house clean or perfect.   I never found my mother sitting, and there was never a moment when she would be still for a cuddle.    She was hard, she was cold, she was preoccupied.   The one person, who gave me unconditional love, was my Granny.   I think, I really would have withered and never got my head above any of this without her love.   She wasn't always around.   She and my grandfather lived far enough away that for them to visit, was a big deal!

But I was also blessed with a close connection to spirit as a little girl.   So, I was fortunate in that manner.  Because the infant, she longs for being held.

I can remember, making mistakes, and the fall out of doing wrong was the Ice Tidal Wave.  This disappointment and stinging coldness of my mother, made me terrified of 'doing wrong'.


I really only wanted her to notice me.    I really wish, she had found joy in just being my mother.





Okay, so it was hard for me to be and infant and a Toddler to my Mother.   I always felt the least important to her.   A third class citizen.

Even recently, my daughter, commented on how much she hates the way my family treat me.

 It isn't right.  

Now, what is the gift in this lesson?   Where is the beauty?

I say to you, ask my children.  

The Beauty is, I love being a Mother.   I want nothing more, than to just sit and 'be' with my children.
 My house, is not neat and tidy, because I will just sit and cuddle my children.  

I tell my children, I love them, every day!  
Sometimes two or three times a day!

Sometimes they remind me that I have already told them.

But I sure do hope, that not a moment passes,
not a doubt is present in their minds.  
They were wanted!   They are loved!

I do so hope, that this is part of the Grand Design.   That I should have such a powerful lesson in the importance of taking the time, to just 'be' with the people who matter and I love the most.  
That they will be blessed all this life with a feeling of belonging and Self Confidence!

Anita Moorjani's Book & the Power of her Experience

Anita's book, Dying to be Me, was recommended to me by Rosemary Edwards.

Rosemary, is my friend, my confidant, and a person I turn to when I have any pain, physical, mental or emotional.   I discovered Rosemary's website when using a Google search for powerful Healers.   I have never been disappointed by the quality of this Holistic, Energetic Healing system.   I find NSR to be a complete healing form, as it offers to the client a chance to understand the issue, why it occured, when and what the lesson is.   

http://www.nsr-energyhealing.com/distant-healing

I have told anyone who is looking for serious help, and has given up on our Western Medical model to get in touch with Rosemary.  Because I believe her system is that good. 

I also go on about Braco, but I promise that we will discuss Healers and Healing systems later.   Promise!


So, I bought the Audio version of this book, downloaded it onto my Kindle, {that I share with my son, I often wonder, how much of it is mine, do you think it could be 35% mine?  maybe?}   and I listened to this during my driving time.    I found Anita's journey just so amazing.   There were times when I was driving with tears streaming from my eyes.    I found it to be that moving.

We hear of people who have had a Near Death Experience.   Sometimes we are fortunate enough to even know someone who has been that close to the 'light' or the Divine.   It has trans-formative power, in a very real and unpredictable way.   What is a truly huge blessing, is the fact that Anita has been able to recall this time in the 'afterlife' with incredible detail.   It is often that this experience is so out with our normal realm of experience it is hard to talk about, describe and then even retain the memory of.   So, I am grateful that she has been allowed to keep this so fresh in her mind.   It may also be part of 'The Big Purpose' of it all.

Today I want to share with you, just a paragraph of her writing, one that really spoke to my personal beliefs.

Now, when I was in my late teens and 20's, also throughout my marriage I was quite devote, in a religious way.    Sometimes I just liked being in the choir, or playing hand bells for the Sunday service.  But there was a period of 3 years, where I read the the Bible everyday, and engaged in praying to Jesus.    I felt I had to 'turn my back' on much religious rhetoric in order to leave my spouse.   There are far too many scriptural passages that do not support divorce.   But a young woman I was close to, said to me, "Jesus, did not give his life on the cross, so you could suffer like this."

You may agree, you may not.   You may have stopped reading when you thought I was a 'Bible Basher'!   But, I needed those words, as I loved being on Team Jesus.  It is deep within my being, the striving for being 'Good'.   Because, I have this powerful drive to not hurt others, to heal, to bring love & light wherever I go.   So, leaving him?    And wanting a divorce?    That didn't seem to fit in my deeply personal, spiritual philosophy.   It was one truly difficult decision for me.   But, I believe there is a purpose to what I have been through.   Perhaps that is key to why I love this passage and have chosen to share it with you today.

Anita writes about being how she was encouraged to share her story.   She didn't  know how to start and what the purpose of it would be.   Just like in my life, when Rosemary told me, "You have a message for the world".   I thought, "Me!?  You must be mad!   I am no writer."   However, I started to write out all that I knew.   Which, is the abuse that I witnessed my Father carry out on my Mother, then on my Step Mother.  Then what happened as I became a young woman and dated,   and then what happened when I married.    Before I knew it I had a small manuscript.   But I still kept wondering,"Who is going to want to read this?  What purpose does it serve?"     Anita walked through that same door.   Then she was sharing her experience, and this was also powerful for her.

So, now I share, this is what she writes;-

I suddenly realized that, both my getting Cancer and my healing were actually for the planet.
If we're all one,
what happens to me, happens to all.  
And, what happens for me, also happens for the whole Universe.  

I understood that the reason I even got sick and then chose to come back was to serve as an instrument for healing to take place in others.    

Now, as a person who has studied Reiki, that fact that she emphatically says, she is an instrument for healing has a huge resonance for me.    My Reiki Master was adamant that we never view ourselves as the creator of the healing.   We as therapists are nothing more than the vehicle for which the energy comes to others.  

Also, as the well known Angel writer, Doreen Virtue expands upon this same theory in her 4 CD set, Goddesses & Angels, she describes the healing takes place in the 'love' between the therapist and client.   Now, don't get confused with that word love.   The Greeks had 7 different words for love, as you have mother's love, friendship/companionship love, and then the one that our Western society is so hung up on, erotic love.   What I believe Doreen is saying, is that 'love', that divine compassion, that huge overwhelming warmth that only comes from the source of our true being.  That Love is the One that heals and brings Peace.  That is the Love we should all be hung up on!

Yesterday I wrote about my childhood experience with my Father, and how it became this huge issue and weight in my life.   That in those few moments, my conscious mind created these thought patterns that became personality quirks, and led me to manifest a series of dreadful relationships with men.   Part of what I needed to face, was that I blamed my Dad!   Sure, he continued to be an Odious Villain and treated two of the most important women in my life like doormats.   He also served to bring some good into the lives of others on this planet.  But, to a great extent, my thoughts and feelings, have manifested what has befallen me.

Now I know, there are many who say our fate is set out.   I believe that there are ways to divine the highlights of what is to come in each life.   But, we can influence so much by our deeply held beliefs and childhood experiences.   I also know that blaming my Dad was getting me nowhere.   I was still stuck being a magnet for any controlling abusive man within a ten mile radius!   I needed to do that work, so that I could move toward being the light, the divine spark that I am really here to be.

It is difficult to accept at times, when something really dreadful happens, that it can actually spark a chain of events to bring the best and highest good into our lives.

People have asked, time and again, why would a God profess to being a God of Love and allow so much misery and suffering.   But, Anita said,"You can see the tapestry of your life, your past lives and how they are all part of this Grand Design."

It doesn't make it easy, especially when you are facing loss.  

But I choose to believe what Alison Dubois says, "We are their Heaven, why are loved ones never leave us."

We are surrounded by those who have past before, we have our divine guides who listen to us, see us and will helps us when we call.

Some people see spirit, some people have the gift to hear spirit, some people can feel the guidance of spirit.   We each have our own talents and intuitive guides.    Sometimes all you need to do, is sit quietly for a moment and ask from deep in your heart.   I often use my dream time,  if there is something worrying me, or I do not feel qualified to answer, I will leave it to be answered in my dreams.  

Okay, now I am going to add the last part of the paragraph from Anita Moorjani's book;-

Not just physical healing,
But more important, emotional healing.
Since our feelings are what actually drives our physical reality.

This is a Huge statement for me!  I have been a 'feelings' person all my life.   And a dreamer.
Which was more or less fine, when I was in High school & college, working in the Arts, Dance, Theater and Music.   But I think it is also what makes me so susceptible to abuser's.   Because I can feel their energetic digs.   {This is also a fairly big concept and is best expressed by James Redfield in his book, The Celestine Prophecy}   But, being given this knowledge, that honoring what I feel, as important as my emotions and dreams!   Yeah!   I am not a complete wacko!   {I do so hope you are laughing!}   

I have thrown out at you Today, a lot of big concepts;-

Us all being one, 

Even our most painful life experiences are for all of humanities growth.

Trust your instincts, dreams and feelings. For they are more valuable then we have been previously allowed to acknowledge!

May you be Blessed in your time spent reading this.

I wish you Peace, Divine Love and vibrant Light in each cell of your being.