Have You ever been so lonely that your best friend was your Teddy Bear? Mine wasn't a Bear, he was Timothy, a red Mouse.
I wasn't an only child. I wasn't raised by a single Mum who was worried about where the money for rent came from.
In fact, most of the reasons I can think of, for someone who has been left out and ignored so much as a child, just don't fit the way my childhood looks.
In May 2012, I went on Theta DNA Basic and Advanced practitioner's course. It was truly a deep healing course and many old wounds were brought to the light. It was on this course, that helped me put to rest one of the remaining HUGE issues from my childhood.
It is hard for me to speak ill of my mother, and in this way, because I understand the why's and wherefores that brought about this state. But my inner child, identifies herself as the neglected and unwanted child of The Ice Tidal Wave.
Every summer, my children and I visit my family. I love this time, I can be with my kids without having to stress them about time, homework etc. I can just enjoy them! But, at the same time, it is my time to get the sun on my skin. I can be a bit hard and fast about needing the Beach! I love the warmth of the sun on my skin. I love building sand castles. I love jumping in the water for a splash.
Now, during these weeks with family, I am often in the ocean with my kids and my nieces and nephews. Sometimes the water is great, just gentle rolling waves. Then the water can be fierce, and the waves are coming in fast and the undertow strong. There have been moments where I am looking into a wall of water, and wondering can I keep a grip on the youngest and smallest of these precious children. Sometimes, those moments overwhelm me with fear and inadequacy. The wall of water, is merciless. It even happened again this summer, and the water won! I lost my grip on one of the kids and we were knocked head over heels, salt sea, sand up my nose, knees scratched up and my mind trying to regain it's balance.
This feeling of being tossed like cat toy, not knowing where you are, as you try to keep your eyes from being hurt by sand. That feeling, is very much how I experience my childhood. But, you have to add, the hard, cruel freezer burn temperature, that seals this experience.
There are just a few people, who can understand why it was the way it was for me. One, is my dearest closest friend. Yes, you could say my oldest, best friend, but as I am two years her senior, I think we will just leave age out of it, Yes?
I never wanted to speak bad about my mother, as she went through so much. My father, whom I will write about extensively, as he has the most amazing mind set! I actually found that, when I was watching the film, The Other Boleyn Girl, that I could really feel an energetic sympathy, that made me wonder, could my father have ever had a past life where he was in a position like 'king'. He just will take what he wants, whenever he wants, he feels completely entitled to the Best of everything, and uses and discards others in the most heartless manner. That is the essence of the man who I call Father. But, this blog is dedicated to the half of my first lessons in this life. My mother. My mother was devastated by my Father's behaviour.
My mother was brought up a Catholic. So, she wanted that for us too. Her mother was in charge in her childhood home, which my mom felt was wrong. So she decided her husband would be "King" in his home! Now her mother, was still having and raising children when my mother got married. It is one of those bizarre facts, that when my mother married, her mother had a 6 month old baby! I just cannot imagine that. But this also led my mother to decide that she would have a career and perhaps one child. So, when my mom met my dad, and they dated and talked about the life they would have;- The plan had been, that my father would open a private practice and she would help with the office and research! What eventually came to pass, was in medical school, he watched others give talks. He decided he wanted to be in front of large crowds and be the one teaching and lecturing. As my mother had wanted for him, she gave him the power to change the direction of where their 'life' plan was heading.
So, early on my mother had a baby. Actually, she might have felt it too soon. But, this life, was very short lived. The first child born to my parents lived just a day. I believe this sent my mother into 'reaction'. Perhaps she felt some guilt, some punishment, that with her deeply rooted religious belief, that God was sending a message. So, there was a change in her. She then had another child. Now, her husband was still in Medical school. This child, was not a good sleeper. He was more than two hand fulls and my mother was often putting him in a buggy to walk around the block, just to get a chance to stop the crying!
What is so interesting, is the change in her. She went from holding her view of being the career woman with perhaps one child, to this new bigger family plan. My father says he always wanted a big family. My mother never wanted that. Now, she jumps into this roll. {I don't think many women would be surprised to read, that marriage changed who they were. Many times, this change is the normal development from woman to mother. But other times it costs us more than we really wanted to pay. Sometimes we change so much, we forget, who we are and what we really wanted for our lives.} But, even though, she made this sacrifice, so that he could have the family he desired.
Now, this next story, is so part of my consciousness. I am not sure, when I first learned that my father started to abuse my mother, but I feel as if I have always known the first time, was when my mother was pregnant with me!
One of my Father's favourite games, {Please, pardon my use of the word game here. I don't know what other way to describe it. What he does is sick, it hurts everyone. I know he views it as a 'delicious' and he even went so far as to tell me, "A Love triangle is the Best place to be!"} is to play one lover off the other. Now, this type of emotional abuse, is very corrosive and cruel in the harshest sense. How, my Father discovered this as this wonderful, ego boosting technique is unfathomable. But, his mother once told me, that he always had several girlfriends. So, here is my mother, pregnant with me, finding a Love letter from the other woman. Her thoughts, her feelings, her knee jerk reaction are all a part of my consciousness.
Now, the other thing I had to learn, was on the Theta course, was that my mother started in denial. She refused to acknowledge her hunger, in a vain attempt to keep her looks, she started this non eating regime, which she still follows to this very day. {On the course, I was taken back, to being the baby in the womb, and all I wanted was to get out of there! Her mind was spinning! Why was he doing this? How can I compete? How can I hold it together? It was so painful for her. Every time she looked around she already had two kids, they both looked like him. My mom was too proud to turn to any one for help. She tried to soldier on, with all this anguish in side her.} If you ever had a boyfriend cheat on you? You know how you begin to doubt your self, your attractiveness. Well, add that too, being a mom, two small kids and one well on the way!
Can I just say, there is a picture of my mother holding me, just three weeks old, she is as skinny as a supermodel!
So, that was the first time. Basically, it got too good for him to give up that drama! He repeats this, finds a lover, passively informs my mother. She 'fights' for him. He sometimes stays away weeks. But then comes back. That is a really simplified version of events. Some affairs seemed far more serious, from my perspective, than others. Then, there was also the power corruption that happened when he was home. My father was a great one for changing the rules at a whim. Now what this really meant, was that, my mother, who was home with us would set a rule and by dismissing her rules, he took her power away.
This is the key to what abuse is about. It is about power and control.
So, by the time, he decided he needed a new female lead in his love triangles, and leaves my mother, she is left scarred and just as fragile as light bulb glass. It was as if, he took battery acid and poured it on her, she had wounds and scars and it took just a whisper to make her scream, cry or shout. It was hard to know where to stand, how to sit, what I could do in order to please her.
I often thought, that my relationship, the the very physically abusive, Symbol. {As mentioned in a former Post} I thought, that his highly critical manner was my way of trying to make peace with my relationship with my mother. It is still a bit emotional for me to get to this place. I can feel I am at the brink of the Pool of Sorrow's.
The Pool of Sorrow's is every Christmas, every Birthday for the next 5 years! At each of these events, at some point, my mother is curled in a heap, crying so hard, saying, "I want my family". I can remember looking around, There would be all her children. We would be there surrounding her, and all she wanted was that man! The man that left her, and made her feel so unattractive, {she was always beautiful!} that man, who we pretended to have fun around so she could take a picture! To make her happy!? Why did she want him??
Now, this may sound really rude and my language may shock you. But I was approaching 16 years old and when my mother started this, or I knew we were having 'talks' about who we would see on Christmas Eve and who we would see on Christmas Day. I would just become defensive, because it was so painful for me. She would crying over that guy! So I just said, "all she cares about is the Dick!"
And I actually thought, that was it! That the main reason I was unimportant was that I was not a man!
Now, all that into consideration.
As a baby in the womb, my mother denied me. As a baby in her arms, she felt {to me, remember, this is my impression} as if, everything was more important. The house had to be absolutely perfect, There was always something in the order above me.
My mom, would always be 'doing' something in order to make the house clean or perfect. I never found my mother sitting, and there was never a moment when she would be still for a cuddle. She was hard, she was cold, she was preoccupied. The one person, who gave me unconditional love, was my Granny. I think, I really would have withered and never got my head above any of this without her love. She wasn't always around. She and my grandfather lived far enough away that for them to visit, was a big deal!
But I was also blessed with a close connection to spirit as a little girl. So, I was fortunate in that manner. Because the infant, she longs for being held.
I can remember, making mistakes, and the fall out of doing wrong was the Ice Tidal Wave. This disappointment and stinging coldness of my mother, made me terrified of 'doing wrong'.
I really only wanted her to notice me. I really wish, she had found joy in just being my mother.
Okay, so it was hard for me to be and infant and a Toddler to my Mother. I always felt the least important to her. A third class citizen.
Even recently, my daughter, commented on how much she hates the way my family treat me.
It isn't right.
Now, what is the gift in this lesson? Where is the beauty?
I say to you, ask my children.
The Beauty is, I love being a Mother. I want nothing more, than to just sit and 'be' with my children.
My house, is not neat and tidy, because I will just sit and cuddle my children.
I tell my children, I love them, every day!
Sometimes two or three times a day!
Sometimes they remind me that I have already told them.
But I sure do hope, that not a moment passes,
not a doubt is present in their minds.
They were wanted! They are loved!
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