Within this dream, I am expansive! In this wonderful dream I am pure spirit life force, just energy.
I am floating through my childhood home. The house is darker and there is a grey that seems to thicken the air. As I travel more than a meter above the ground, I see my Father is chasing after me and trying to grab me and force me to be held down.This is an astonishing and fascinating dream. To me, my memory of my childhood father, is a man who was seldom within the house. When he is, it is time for awe and celebration. So, to imagine him, chasing me! Where I felt I was always seeking more time with my father. I was looking to him for the warmth that did not exist in any corner of my childhood home. I was always my Father's biggest fan, when he came home I would rush to him! Like a puppy!
My father was always warm, he seemed to be the centre of our Universe. There was an unwritten rule in our house, do whatever it takes to please the Daddy. We need to keep him happy to keep him around. {It doesn't surprise me now, as I read back over what I have written here, that my Brother qualified my Father's attitude and demeanor in life, as his opinion and desire always having to be the right one!} It really was, all our mind set that my Father was the center of our world.
Now there is this powerfully, life changing moment in my youth, just one moment, that took me Forty years to sum up the courage to face. It is my firm belief, that because I hadn't faced this event and dealt with it, that I created more problems in my life.
I am going to share with you now, what I held secret from my mother and the world, with copious amounts of food. I once told a friend, we were both excessively drunk, and we cried over each others deep wounds. Though, in the light of the next morning, when she asked me,"What were we crying over?" I feigned ignorance. {I am sorry for being so afraid Laura. I guess I still feel like this 5 year old girl and my Dad is the sole source of warmth and love in my life. That to turn on him, whatever he did wrong, would be to cut myself off from my only connection to love.} I am now going to make this right. I am ready to release this shameful memory, and forgive. I am ready to forgive my Father and I am ready to forgive myself! I am going to honour and respect myself for being scared and confused and forgive that 5 year old me, for all the parts and ways that I believe myself to be responsible for this. {You might think this is just the strangest most incredible statement! But any survivor of abuse will tell you, they felt responsible, and often an Abuser feeds those thoughts of accountability!}
So, now we jump back into that Super Sonic Time Travel Machine and take you back to 1970, this is the day that my Father fondled me.
For Decades, Part of me has been held to this place by fear, guilt, shame, desire, and a misguided sense of loyalty.
This day, this moment was indelibly written on my memory. It wasn't that long ago I decided to face this memory. It has been one of my biggest weights, holding me to the Earth with long rusty chains. This was also my blind spot.
I was fortunate enough to work with a qualified NLP therapist on this memory. That is how I know, that I know, the smell of the air and the time of day. That afternoon, the temperature as well as, the smell are all pristine and stored in a corner of my subconscious.
What was hardest for me to deal with, was the possibility that I had created just that moment.
For most women we know the expression, 'asking for it'. A man can say that about a woman who was raped if she was wearing something, even the slightest bit shorter than a Nun's summer frock. Also, for me, there was the very clear and very real condemnation of the Church. I was still very small, when the Sermon was all about Eve. ""Women are the root of all Evil", was the resounding message.
So, here I was, this girl of 5, so cold, so desperately longing for affection and some adult attention. My Father is in his study, reading, writing, with the radio playing. I bounce in and stand by his side, waiting, hoping for any crumb of attention. This was the time, I was brought over the threshold from childhood innocence into the realm of adult sexuality. It was the time that I first felt completely overrun, in my naive defense, I didn't think my father would do something that would frighten me so.
As I stood there, my Father, wordlessly took his hand and stroked my back. He then traced his finger along the top of my shorts, and then his hand is in my shorts. From there, he slipped his hand under the elastic of my underwear and started to fondle my buttocks. From one to the other he moves his hand and then under the curve so that his fingers brush my private! This, this is where I tense all over. I know that this feels wrong!
So, that's it! It's nothing! I know girls who had to deal with the Full Monty! What is my problem? Right?
But the doubts that went through my mind in those seconds! The Fear! How come, I am standing there, on this wonderful, beautiful autumnal afternoon, knowing that this is a wrong deed, and My own Father is calling it an expression of his love!? An accident??
{I will just digress here, I have had four children, and after they were out of nappies, I never had any need to have my hands in their underwear!} Maybe I am just prude!
Now, it took me years to face this trans formative moment. I believe that because my Father felt entitled or an incredible sense of his own worth, so that he could take whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted without need to apologize. That I took this to mean, All Men should be allowed to take what they want. So there is a life time of pain sparked from my faulty explanation of this moment. Now, the other side of this coin, the other thoughts which were racing through my mind were;- if he wants to do this again? I should just allow it? Because the dynamic in my childhood home was that my Mother, demanded that we behave. Now all parents want their children to behave, not to kill their siblings and throw their coats and shoes all over the place. But, we were impressed upon to do, whatever it took to keep my Father around and happy.
Are you beginning to see how the Walls are building up around me? Yes, some are illogical mental leaps made by my young mind. But there is also this other side, supported and enforced by my Mother.
My Mother was hard and rigid about everything, the house was to be straight as a pin. We were to perform to our highest standard, and toe the line, especially when my Father was home. Now, my father was not around often, so this time had to be capitalized on. Any "Family" outings had to be accomplished and photographed during those few days he was 'home'. {I know I have mentioned this before, because it was said to me often when I was growing up.} There was this pressure, as if my Mother had sat down and told us, "When your Father is here, you need to do whatever it takes to make him stay!" Now of course my Mother never said this, nor did she write it down and have us swear an oath. But, my understanding is, that my Mother behaved in this manner when my Father was around. Now just by her attitude adjustment and rigid control over her ways' being completely disregarded when he walked in the door. {This is a topic we will come back too. Although my Mother explained to me she wanted her husband to feel 'King' in his own home, I do not believe she could see how this was going to rob her of any power in her home. What would happen is, my Father could re write any rule in the house at any given moment. Like, I think it's time we stop going to Church. Done!}
As I now understand and see clearly, I did this same thing! I tip toed on egg shells around my children's father so that there would be peace in their home. {But this leads to loosing your power and your children not know who you truly are!} So, although, my Mother was just trying to keep our Universe from crashing down, this unspoken behaviour of hers;- Doing E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G she could to keep my Father 'happy' and wanting to be around, became my behaviour too. Because once he was out the door, the person I had to please, WAS my Mother.
So, I felt I had to do this! I also have to own the fact that I went into that room that afternoon, desperate for ANY attention! That was huge chains of guilt I was carrying.
So, a couple of points I want to make here.
I don't think it takes a great length of time to make another feel inferior or to 'dis' empower them. Right? It is easy to tare a person down. Watch young children, they build with blocks and knock it down. It is a simple part of human nature, one that we are evolving above, I am sure!
The second thing, is my lesson through witnessing my Mother losing her power, and my own loss of power.
This is about speaking your truth.
I can't honestly imagine having the Brass Kahona's to be bold enough to have smacked my Father in the face that afternoon. It was wrong for him to be fondling my bottom and private. You can suggest ways you think I should have dealt with it. I am quite happy to hear your opinions.
As I sit here, in my lounge, being all after the marriage, my own kids growing up and thinking, the only real power I had, would have been to run to my Mother and tell her. My thinking is, I assumed she would have supported him.
One more digression. If my Father wanted something that wasn't in the house;- there was a time when he loved Gatorade. He wanted some, it wasn't in the house. The next time he was home, there were three bottles waiting in the refrigerator! That was how supportive and dedicated my Mother was to him.
So, I think part of my 'TRAPPED -idness' feelings have to do with how much my Mother was devoted to and supported him. I didn't think she would put me before him.
In closing, I am not wanting to blame him nor her for where I am today. I needed to learn to speak up for myself. I needed to learn that a woman is as important as a man. Any relationship will fail, if one person is more powerful than the other. We need to create equal relationships!
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