Part of the reason is that Fear, the fear that you might say, 'what a load of rubbish!'
But actually, I know that is his voice. That is his criticism of me.
I have pages of stories to share with you. When I first starting writing my stories, of what I have seen as a child and what happened to me as I grew up in the mold of; - a Man dominates, a Man dictates, the Man in Your Life, is the 'Bringer of Life.' Now that last statement I know comes from my Mother's thought patterns and I know she was determined that My Father should live, like a King in his own home. But, her total commitment to this Paradigm meant that, without a Man or Husband there was no living.
My Ex Husband taught me how flawed I was.
He took every opportunity to fish in the cracks of my upbringing and personality. I should, actually Thank him for it, as having a really intimate knowledge of what I fail at, I can be totally honest about, Who I am!
Now, for the last six years of my marriage, I spent my days crying and praying.
I can remember, after one particularly difficult night, where the theme of our 'fight' was about the fact that I should worship at the feet of my Husband for the fact that he went out to work and paid for me to live in his house and eat his food. At the end of this battle, I was on my knees, face down on the carpet to demonstrate, what I thought He wanted. What I remember of that evening was two things. One, was a clear heavy presence in our home. I can remember thinking in the morning, that I had been protected by all the praying I had been doing. That the 'fight' itself had not escalated, that the fight had remained just a small matter of cross words and my subservience as;- because of all the words and prayers I had whispered, we had a protective shield.
But I also remember, being on the floor like that, the tears and the utter shame of having to prostrate myself to my Husband and seeing that look of utter disgust in his eyes. I was doing what he was shouting at me I should do, every time he returned home from work. Then, he smugly turned on his heal and proclaimed I was "Pathetic for giving up my devotion to Jesus to worship him."
I then carried the shame of 'turning' my back on Jesus. I think that is probably when it started to become easier to imagining leave my Husband. There was nothing left to hold on too. If I had to worship Him, how could I truly live my life? I didn't think my Husband was God. Sometimes I didn't even think he was nice at all. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I felt any warmth for him in my heart. I was just walking on egg shells, trying to get through each day without setting him off! {Now there is no sexual reference there,}
I solely mean, igniting this angry, cruel darkness that resided within him.
{In reading back over this now, Now. Seven years since the day I took my children and fled. I wonder if that cruel darkness I always thought of as him, was more to do with that heave dark presence in the house. You can call it Evil, but for searchers of higher consciousness, it is referred to as the Maya. The Maya can shape us, be our lessons in this life. But, rest assured, hard as the lessons are, there is no Devil to Fear.}
{In reading back over this now, Now. Seven years since the day I took my children and fled. I wonder if that cruel darkness I always thought of as him, was more to do with that heave dark presence in the house. You can call it Evil, but for searchers of higher consciousness, it is referred to as the Maya. The Maya can shape us, be our lessons in this life. But, rest assured, hard as the lessons are, there is no Devil to Fear.}
Now, I had my patterns, I would get the kids in the front room and put on CBeebies or some such show that they could enjoy, while I would try and get things in order. So, this was my way to get the house in a way that He would find acceptable. Then I would feed the kids. Normally, he would come in, see the kids, check that things were to his liking and head down the pub. After dinner, there was clean up, stories, bath and bed time. Sometimes it would be 9 pm before all that was finished. Sometimes it would be later, depending on how the bedtime routine went. Usually he would be back home by then, watching TV in the front room.
If he came home and I sensed that pull in my gut. That queasy, stomach churning nervousness, I knew he was close to erupting, I would rush the process up. {In order to get the kids away from his wrath.} They weren't to blame that I was useless.
During the time that I was fully aware of the fact that I no longer held love or any form of affection in my heart for my Husband, he started to get more volatile. I had a very good friend who helped me a great deal by listening to me. She said to me,"Jesus did not die on a cross so you could suffer like this." It was very liberating to know someone who was a Believer, also felt that I could break my marriage vow and still have the Love from the Divine. Because I thought I would have to give up both. My marriage and my devotion to Christ.
So, things were getting worse between my Husband and myself. I cannot remember the last time we had and physical intimacy. {And I promise I will discuss in detail how one can have years of sex and know nothing about true intimacy & Love, it is a cutting and very exposing subject, but I promised and I am going to open that door for you.} Because there is so much to understand about how even sex can be a weapon. {And I believe culturally we believe women use sex that way, ie withholding the intimacy until they get what they want,} But, in the same way that, a man having sex with you, doesn't mean he loves you. I had to face, that although, we were married, there wasn't any real Love, Honour or Truth in our Holy Union. Then I had to open my eyes to the fact that we hadn't 'made love' in nearly a decade.
I believe that my Husband had a gut feeling that he was losing me. He had struggled with my renewed confidence and the spark of strength that was growing within me from my Coaching job. He had to push harder to keep me believing I wasn't strong enough to leave. I can remember how confusing it was at times. I would go to work and hear how Fantastic I was as a Pre School Gymnastics Coach. Then I would come home and be told how disgusting and completely incompetent I was. I felt confused and frustrated, how could both be true about me?
There was a terrible, terrible night. This horrific fight took place shortly after we had been to visit my family. Now this cycle of cruelty became apparent only after I left and started to really open up to others who had a similar experience. I am talking about the fact that, the mental abuse was always a continual onslaught before we got to my family, as well as, on the way back to our home. What I couldn't see at the time, was that this was his way of keeping me in check. Should I go home and be with my family and realize that I have the power, strength and perhaps even total support to leave him? He had to ensure I could never see that as a possibility! After this fight, I can remember he didn't go into work the next morning. As this was still the summer Holidays' for the kids, they had no school or play groups. It didn't take me long to decipher the sounds of him and the kids in the kitchen.
I would normally stay in bed or duck into another room where I could put on an exercise video, in the morning. This was my way of staying out of his way. But he hadn't left for work! So, I went towards the kitchen, I wanted a lovely cup of Tea. So, he was standing in the centre of the room watching the kids eat and I went along the wall side, this was the long way to go around him.
He must have been cutting fat off bacon because he turned and lifted the knife he was carving with and thrust it in my face.
"Tell the kids what you are planning to do?" he shouted and demanded.
To be sure, I had no plan. I had, at that very point, just reasoned I had no fixed and spiritually penalizing reason to stay. I wanted to go to Heaven, but I never wanted my kids raised seeing this constant erosion of their Mother. {Now, back then, all I knew was that I needed to live without constant Fear!}
This would be the final assault! As, up until this moment, he had never carried out any physical violence against me in front of anybody. He was quite happy to speak to me in the most horrible way in front of others at a party. Or, he would happily belittle me in front of strangers at the airport. So, he would mentally or emotionally abuse me around our children, but never any such serious physical threats. But I knew this was a line he had crossed. If he would hold a knife to my face in front of the kids over the thoughts that.
This was very frightening. I ran back to the bed room. I grabbed the phone and rang my family. Now, anyone with young children will tell you, you are up earlier than the average household. So, when I rang my mother, my step Father answered. He forbade me ever to ring them again, and I do, still, avoid it at all costs! {Thank you very much for your understanding}
I then rang my Brother. My Brother, as best he could over the phone, stood between my Husband and myself. I can remember my husband saying to my brother how blatantly difficult I was to live with. To which I shouted abuse. I can't even begin to express to you, why I didn't just tell my brother, He just put a knife in my face, less that two inches from my eye! You still want me to believe Love lives in my house?
It was the end. Support from my family or no. I had to get away from him. He had no respect for me.
I also think, in the scriptures, there is a reference to a man should Love his Wife as he Loves himself. So, his lack of respect and cruelty towards me, also exists within him towards himself.
Okay, so this super frightening situation had to happen to get me to truly wake up and pack up!
Now, my point in saying You aren't going to like this is,
Sometimes it takes hard medicine to get us well again. Sometimes it takes those closest to us to give that terrible stuff over to us.
I didn't like any of the belittling and cruelty that he handed me, but I hadn't got the lesson the first time!
I had to learn, that I am Important, and my beliefs are valid. If the person I am with does not support me as I am, I am better off without them in my Life! Regardless of whether we had matching $600 dollar rings on our third fingers. None of that matters.
I also had to learn that the Love of the Divine was in me, with me, and would never leave me.
Even if, I, was the one to take a carving knife to a face.
One of the ways that I find helpful in realizing the Gifts that we are given by the experiences in our lives, is for me to think of the people, as if they are characters in a Dramatic Production. That way, they individuals can still hold their Divine Beauty.
Because, there were many years I did love the man that I married.
If I hadn't been deeply devoted I wouldn't have been so shocked and crushed that he so easily became like some rogue henchmen from the Spanish inquisition.
What has been hardest for me to make peace over and quell the questions that endlessly prevail in my mind, Why? Why would my Soul mate treat me in this manner? When I would never turn on him?
I have so much to be grateful for. I have insight into the importance of my Dreams.
I have insight into the fact that it is Easy to tear someone's confidence down.
It takes True strength of character, to care enough about someone else to work to build up their confidence!
That is one of the things I would really love to do for you! I would love for you to know, you are beautiful, you are worthy, and there is nothing you can do that will stop Divine Love from supporting you!
THEN . . .
There was a terrible, terrible night. This horrific fight took place shortly after we had been to visit my family. Now this cycle of cruelty became apparent only after I left and started to really open up to others who had a similar experience. I am talking about the fact that, the mental abuse was always a continual onslaught before we got to my family, as well as, on the way back to our home. What I couldn't see at the time, was that this was his way of keeping me in check. Should I go home and be with my family and realize that I have the power, strength and perhaps even total support to leave him? He had to ensure I could never see that as a possibility! After this fight, I can remember he didn't go into work the next morning. As this was still the summer Holidays' for the kids, they had no school or play groups. It didn't take me long to decipher the sounds of him and the kids in the kitchen.
I would normally stay in bed or duck into another room where I could put on an exercise video, in the morning. This was my way of staying out of his way. But he hadn't left for work! So, I went towards the kitchen, I wanted a lovely cup of Tea. So, he was standing in the centre of the room watching the kids eat and I went along the wall side, this was the long way to go around him.
He must have been cutting fat off bacon because he turned and lifted the knife he was carving with and thrust it in my face.
"Tell the kids what you are planning to do?" he shouted and demanded.
To be sure, I had no plan. I had, at that very point, just reasoned I had no fixed and spiritually penalizing reason to stay. I wanted to go to Heaven, but I never wanted my kids raised seeing this constant erosion of their Mother. {Now, back then, all I knew was that I needed to live without constant Fear!}
This would be the final assault! As, up until this moment, he had never carried out any physical violence against me in front of anybody. He was quite happy to speak to me in the most horrible way in front of others at a party. Or, he would happily belittle me in front of strangers at the airport. So, he would mentally or emotionally abuse me around our children, but never any such serious physical threats. But I knew this was a line he had crossed. If he would hold a knife to my face in front of the kids over the thoughts that.
I
Might,
Be,
Planning,
To,
Leave.
What else would he do before their eyes?
This was very frightening. I ran back to the bed room. I grabbed the phone and rang my family. Now, anyone with young children will tell you, you are up earlier than the average household. So, when I rang my mother, my step Father answered. He forbade me ever to ring them again, and I do, still, avoid it at all costs! {Thank you very much for your understanding}
I then rang my Brother. My Brother, as best he could over the phone, stood between my Husband and myself. I can remember my husband saying to my brother how blatantly difficult I was to live with. To which I shouted abuse. I can't even begin to express to you, why I didn't just tell my brother, He just put a knife in my face, less that two inches from my eye! You still want me to believe Love lives in my house?
It was the end. Support from my family or no. I had to get away from him. He had no respect for me.
I also think, in the scriptures, there is a reference to a man should Love his Wife as he Loves himself. So, his lack of respect and cruelty towards me, also exists within him towards himself.
Okay, so this super frightening situation had to happen to get me to truly wake up and pack up!
Now, my point in saying You aren't going to like this is,
Sometimes it takes hard medicine to get us well again. Sometimes it takes those closest to us to give that terrible stuff over to us.
I didn't like any of the belittling and cruelty that he handed me, but I hadn't got the lesson the first time!
I had to learn, to be True to Myself.
I had to learn, that I am Important, and my beliefs are valid. If the person I am with does not support me as I am, I am better off without them in my Life! Regardless of whether we had matching $600 dollar rings on our third fingers. None of that matters.
I also had to learn that the Love of the Divine was in me, with me, and would never leave me.
Even if, I, was the one to take a carving knife to a face.
One of the ways that I find helpful in realizing the Gifts that we are given by the experiences in our lives, is for me to think of the people, as if they are characters in a Dramatic Production. That way, they individuals can still hold their Divine Beauty.
Because, there were many years I did love the man that I married.
If I hadn't been deeply devoted I wouldn't have been so shocked and crushed that he so easily became like some rogue henchmen from the Spanish inquisition.
What has been hardest for me to make peace over and quell the questions that endlessly prevail in my mind, Why? Why would my Soul mate treat me in this manner? When I would never turn on him?
But, now is the time. It is time to release these wounds and be grateful for the beauty of lesson.
I have so much to be grateful for. I have insight into the importance of my Dreams.
I have insight into the fact that it is Easy to tear someone's confidence down.
It takes True strength of character, to care enough about someone else to work to build up their confidence!
That is one of the things I would really love to do for you! I would love for you to know, you are beautiful, you are worthy, and there is nothing you can do that will stop Divine Love from supporting you!
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