What doesn't Kill You

We have all heard the expression, what does kill you makes you stronger.   In fact there is a Pop song with those words for the chorus.  And it just does get you thinking about how you have survived!

Now in my past, is a disturbing and frightening relationship with a very controlling  violent young man.

I used to be afraid to talk about it. I even developed a symbol to use instead of writing his name.  I kinda chuckle now as I write this, I gave him a great deal of power.    As if he would know if I wrote his name!   He had an unusually high opinion of himself, and regarded himself as a great fighter and martial artist.    He boasted to me, that he could beat his instructor any day.   So, for purposes of discussion we will call this developing  sociopath Symbol.

As I look back into the three years of this affair, there is a barrier.   I made a conscious effort to NOT remember these days and nights.   The memories are something I have tried to bury deep away and lock up with the heaviest chains and bolts.   

I have obviously done a really good job, as I thought the minute I opened the door and started writing that the stories would flow.  What really strikes me is, that when I wrote about Connie & Patricia, I could remember those days with vivid detail.  I could recall the wall paper in Patricia's lounge.  I can remember that the carpet was yellow in the front room of Connie's house.
Although I know when this relationship ended, I was suffering from what the men who serve in the Military have been diagnosed with, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.   Not only did Symbol take action to keep me from being close and confiding in friends and family, but because this period in my life was terrifying, and traumatic, there was an extended period where I was removed and isolated from many friends.   In my experience, this is a common scenario in the story, an abuser, will try to remove you from your support system, or ensure there are serious road blocks to communication with loved ones.   
The beginning of this relationship strikes me as odd.  I cannot recall being introduced to him, or where we met.   The first time I remember Symbol being in my social network, would be my birthday party.  But I can't remember inviting him, nor anyone being his friend, and bringing him.   What I remember is that he stayed until he was the last guest and I walked him back to the campus.  {I chose not to drive him as I had obviously been celebrating.  In those days, my circle of friends, Tom, Dorothy, Amy & Miriam we used to have this drinking game called 'The Road to Burma.'}


I can remember walking him back to the campus that night.  It was dark all around and there was nobody else walking, nor lights on in houses.  What was obvious to me, {on this night} was that Symbol was shy and was willing for me to have all the power.  To me,  he was like a little kid, almost a human Elmo.  {Although he looked more like Bert, of Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street?}    What I didn't see then, was his colour choice, he wore a black rain coat, black combat boots and always black trousers & shirts.   It was sometime later a casual acquaintance asked me why I was going steady with a guy who dresses like the 'Child Catcher' from the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?   Someone else described him as a Squirrel killer.   This was the image others had seen from his outward demeanor.


You can argue, I didn't really want to see this obvious negative outward appearance,  but I know I only focused on what I thought was good about him, on the inside.   We must have looked quite unusual, Symbol with his monochrome wardrobe and me, I love pastel colours and would wear 'Flashdance' inspired clothes over my leotards & tights.   Also, at that time I wasn't connected to the desire to heal on a conscious level.  I was just enjoying creating beautiful things, beautiful movement through the expression of dance.  Beautiful trinkets using the skills of origami and the Mandela Coloring Book.   These were my 'down time' activities.


The best day, the real highlight of our time together, would be the Chinese Egg Roll party.   We would get together with my friends, I cannot remember Symbol ever having a friend outside of my circle.   Then we would stir fry the ingredients, and wrap them in the cool pastry and fry them up!   It was a wonderful way to spend time together and enjoy a feast!   One other night, we had a Halloween gathering.  We made hot Toddy and it was warming on the stove, so the smell of cloves and wine were wonderfully heady in the apartment.
Now as I sit here and try to sift through the memories and wreckage of what I know to be true & what I now see as clear warning signs. {Where is that Robot from the 1960's Black & White TV show, Lost in Space?   It is so blatantly obvious, to me now this guy was trouble!}    The other strong message that is coming up for me now is, you really should have worked through this earlier.  
You know,  it is easy for me to say, I should have done.  But, that is the curse of 20/20 hindsight, it all seems so obvious!   Why did I never get counseling then?    Why has it taken me so long to open this dark, mouldy tomb?   All this pain really needed to be released . . .
I used to think that my relationship with Symbol was about working through my issues with my Mother.   In my childhood, my mother was often too busy with housework to play or give me time and attention.   I enjoyed some solitude.   I also had some great days running outside in the sunshine, or the swings in the back garden.   But, my mother was constantly angry, and for years and years I wore the brunt of her anger.   It took me well into High School to understand why she was so angry.   I often put a foot wrong and was told off, or shouted at.   I never pleased her, or worse, even when trying my best to do it perfectly for her, I still failed!

So, back to being 19 years old, hanging out with a guy who wanted to intimidate others from a distance.   It was at some point, he told me that his High School guidance councilor had labeled him a sociopath.   I had no idea what that word meant,  I knew, vaguely that a psychopath was a label given to people who often end up hurting others and living behind bars.   But I didn't see him being mean to me or my circle of friends.   {Years later, I would learn that the abuse starts slowly, as it was described to me as a drip, drip, drip, erosion of your confidence in yourself}
Symbol was studying a course in Sociology and would often have interesting articles to read.   He then decided that I needed to read books that he had read.  So the top of his list for me was Percival, this book stands out in my mind, as it records the mythical journey of the virginal knight of the Round Table.  There was a judgement that came across from the books that were on his required reading list.   That the choices and places I had been, until I met him, where all to be ashamed of.   

One important lesson I need to share here, is the 66 characteristics that an abuser looks for in a partner.

I need to take you forward, to the very scary, very sad days just after I left my spouse of 14 years for domestic abuse.   I had run to a Women's Aid Shelter, there was a great facility for myself and the children.   We were just one door away from the hub, where I could find a Councillor to talk too.   They had activities for the children.  The apartment we lived in had security doors and cctv camera's, so if there was any actual real time threat, we were well guarded.   Within the first week of making this momentous move,  I picked up a book in their sharing library, it was about recovering from abusive relationships.  It was really written for psychotherapists, you know a strong use of scientific jargon, etc.  So it wasn't an easy read and not necessarily meant for someone without the years of study of psychological theory.  In this book, was a chapter dedicated to the 66 characteristics that an abuser looks for.   When I read the items on the list,  it truly shook me,  the list included things like;- 
  rescues baby birds who have been abandoned,
  giving drinks to kids in the neighbourhood,
  helping someone without any expectation or request for financial reimbursement.   
I could not get my head around it, to me, the list was incomprehensible.  The activities listed, were the qualities of someone who cared about others.   The in between the lines lesson to me was, you are a nice person, I can use that against you!   Now, my question is, why would you want to hurt a person who is driven to be good, kind and act in a compassionate way?   If you are lucky enough to have a friend like that, let alone a lover?  Wouldn't you want to support them in order to keep them around?   
To me, the choice to plant seeds of doubt in another's mind, or manipulate another through unreasonable threats and behavior, is completely incomprehensible!    Partly due to the fact that I was raised by a mother whose personal beliefs were deeply religious.   But the bigger part of me, the undeniable spirit within, drives me to want to do the best that I can for others in all situations.   I have always sought to be 'good' & kind.   I would always try to assist and help another achieve.   {There are those close to me, who have seen me angry and wishing to give back the hurt & pain I carry.   This has been an issue for me very recently!  I am fully human, and with that comes the complete spectrum of emotions.   From compassion, to jealousy and rage.   I have for many, many, many years held in rage and anger in the belief that a spiritual person does not engage in hurting another.   But holding onto the anger and the pain has brought me to the crucible where I had to search to find ways to heal.}