Crying can assist Healing

When I was very young,  I was blessed with my Granny being around.   If I had fallen, or been stung by a bee, she was there to hold me while I cried.  

One summer, a colony of Wasps built there 'condo' in the open  pipe tube that was part of our swing set.  I am not sure if we all were stung, but eventually my Dad had to get out there and snuff them out with something from a spray can.


When I really focus on the image of running in the house for solace, I am reminded of how big my Granny seemed.   Not in a judgement way, that thinking comes from the social conditioning of media and peer groups.   But, it was, when she lifted me in her arms,  she always sat in the wooden rocking chair in the front room {where I spent much time dancing},  and when I was calm enough, it was as if her bosom encompassed my world.  My  Granny was my safe place in the world.  One other aspect of this superb relationship was, if I wanted to swing, she would push me.   Not only did she have the time to give me a push, but she always sang the song, You are my Sunshine.   This memory is so full of love and warmth that whenever I pushed my children on the swings, I sang to them that very song.


I don't consciously recall too many days before I was 4 years old.  There are a few vague memories of times that were traumatic, or emotionally charged.  I put this down too not have the depth of language and a clear understanding of a linear time line.


 {Now, after I have said all that, but I truly hold the premise that all our memories are held in the subconscious, even the prenatal memories.  Now this might strike you as a bit fantastic or incomprehensible, but if you are studying Holistic therapy or feel called to work as a healer, you have to look at the larger less quantifiable  part of who we are, which is the subconscious.   I have recently learned that three cells travel with us from one incarnation to another,  these cells will keep stored memories of events that will lead us to unconsciously create driving forces in our lives until we resolve them.  It is my intention to cover more of these topics in more depth later}.  


I don't consciously remember being told not to cry, but being the youngest I did often have to live with the jeers from my siblings and older children in the street, of  'cry baby'.   I probably learned through this hazing that I should keep my tears in, when in public.


When crying really became a shamed event was when I was approaching the age of 10.  I was in the car with my Dad.  I was riding 'shot gun'  which was usually the seat held by anyone BUT me, as I said, I was the youngest child in my family, the bottom of the pecking order.  I am trying to think of what was the topic, what had gotten us to the point where we were very close to an outright shouting match.   But the lesson that I so clearly took from this encounter was, the minute my eyes widened with tears my Father leveled me with an assault on my character!   Only the intellectually challenged are weak enough to express emotions!   The minute he saw he had me on that emotional cliff?  The disagreement was finished.    Now,  in my family, no one can win an argument with my Father.    Over the many years, after  we no longer have to live as his subjects,  a comical saying has been created to  describe this attitude of  my Dad's.  That his is the bright centre of the known Universe.   So we substitute his first name and then add the verse part of the word Universe, as all minds & thoughts of any minds shall be under his control.   But it just so hits the mark when trying to describe any encounter where your world view is not EXACTLY  his.


Now I believe we all have someone in our lives like this?  Yeah?   A person whom does not loose a fight, a person who will say whatever it takes to belittle you until you give in or concede. This pattern of argument style didn't assist me in make a better case for my opinions, it only made me stuff them all down.  Sometimes I did that by just holding my anger, but mostly I did it by eating.   Either way, is not going to bring peace or health!


My mother often never said a word in disagreement to my father.  Unlike my dear friend Connie, I was not brought up with violent abuse.  What went on was a more subtle and spiritually corrupt form of abuse.  Now, there wasn't discussion about these topics when I was a child.  Today, if you walk into the Post Office you will see posters advising you that the clerks have the right to perform their jobs without any verbal abuse.   In public bathrooms throughout the UK you will find posters  with advice and phone numbers on where to get help if you are suffering from domestic abuse.   Some might say it is obvious when your partner beats you that it is wrong.  What you must hold in mind, the rule of thumb.  This is the 'old Boys' club' ruling that a man can beat his wife with an switch as long it is no bigger than his thumb!


Now if we take into consideration that our family history is passed down to us.  Just like our eye colour, physical build and perhaps our career choices.  We have these inner drives that come to us, from time in the womb, being energetically influenced by our parents thoughts, which were passed unto them by their parents thoughts.  Do you see where I am going with this line of thought?   That on some level it may seem acceptable for the man, the Head of the Household to have this level of power, almost a sovereignty over the rest of the family.  I am not saying this is right, if you read my previous post on Connie, you will know that part of what happens in these abusive situations is that the victim also has an element of acceptance.   This can even happen when you are not brought up in a home where abuse is commonly used to control the family.   


I will have to talk more on this subject, as it has come into my life in many areas.  But I really want to talk about the importance of crying and allowing yourself a 'good' cry.


When we go forward from my age of 10, to the age of 11 when my father told us he was leaving my mother;-
I remember my father sitting the children down with him in the family room and telling us softly and gently.  In this manner trying to get us to view him as the sorrowful martyr in this situation and not the perpetrator the of the destruction of our family.   But because he was so good  at playing blameless and we {the children}  were so used to ingratiating ourselves, so he would be content to stay, that it was a porfound moment.  Unfortunately, my mother walked in and became enraged!   {I can so clearly understand why at this point in my life.}    What happens next is a serious of occasions where I find my mother crying.   Up until this point, my experience of my mother is this highly dynamic, zealous almost angry cleaning machine.  This was part of her defense strategy as well as a means of coping.

 I can remember certain times when my Father would slaughter a standing house rule. {that most likely my Mother had created}.  I can see her shoulders, jaw and eyes rigid on him, she is fuming inside but none will out!   But my Father's will was always served.  My mother always quietly did what he wanted.    So, my parents didn't argue or have loud verbal disagreements.   It was a very insidious control my father used to keep her in line, or under thumb and it took me well into my early 40's to really understand what mental/emotional abuse is.    So, through witnessing my mother's behavoiur I learned to keep much of my feelings in.    


But, after they separated, finding my mother crumbled in a heap crying became the norm.  It was years, before any sort of personal divine spark shone from my mother.   {If you want a clue as to if a loved one is feeling abused by their partner, look for the shine of divinity from their eyes!   When you are whole, happy and nurtured by your inner connection to spirit, you get a twinkle in your eyes}  Every Christmas from this point on was a marked occasion with, my Mom collapsing in tears sobbing, 'I want my family back'.


So crying was a shameful and pathetic thing for someone to do in my book.  I then started to seek strong female role models around me.  Imagine how happy I was when Buffy the Vampire Slayer was aired!   I encouraged my young daughter to watch it often.  I wanted her to know how powerful a woman can be!  


Now, in my married life there is a distinct and clear similarity to the road my parents marriage was on.   Unwittingly, my husband, had different and yet brilliantly conflicting parental issues to solve.  In his family, loud verbal confrontation was common place.  He expressed how distressing it was for him, as eldest child, to sit on the stairs listening to his parents  fight and use the crude swear words that the children were forbidden to utter.   My Husbands world view, held the belief, You can say anything you want when you fight!   It was about the time my precious daughter was 5,  my husband and I were in  the middle of a heated argument when she and her younger brother walked in.    They stopped,  I think they were about to turn and walk out, when my daughter said, "No, let's see who wins."   I was stopped by this dead in my tracks.  I had no clue how to argue or disagree with any form of clarity.   It is only through my recent counselling with THINKMOJO that I have learned I didn't have a female role model for standing up for oneself. 


When I finally packed some belongs in black bin bags and left my husband, I went to the protective stronghold, which was the Women's Aid Shelter.  When we arrived, I sat my daughter and son down and explained to them that I had to leave their father.  My daughter, all of 6 years old said, "Mom it will be good not to see you crying everyday."


These words pierced my facade.  I had no idea she saw me that way.  But if I really self reflect, I can speak of countless times of standing washing the dishes and crying so hard, that I needed to sit on the floor and curl into the fetal position.


Unfortunately,  on that day, after my daughter's insightful comment, I promised NO MORE CRYING!


It was a good year later, when I went back to college to study Holistic therapies that I learned to view crying as a very necessary and acceptable form of release for the body.


As therapists, not only are we encouraged to sit with our clients if they cry, but also to not engage in any form of curbing, nor suffocating of tears.   One Psychic Healer to me, "your tears are from you Soul.  They are a line of communication from one element of our subtle body, ie soul level to heart level."   


It took me a long time to understand that my lessons as a child, and teenager of holding back the tears, could have a devastating negative impact on my health.   Just as I am now convinced that my mother; by not speaking up for herself, not voicing her soul crushing hurt at my father's continuous erosion of her power and authority as Life giver to her children.    Is suffering health issues due to the stress and trauma of those decades of mental/emotional control and abuse.


The other side to crying which I have not covered, are those precious tears of joy!   When your heart is so full and overwhelmed by your loved ones that you spontaneously cry!  Inexplicable, and yet someone will ask, why are you crying?  Like there is something wrong with you.


I say, crying is normal, natural, part of who we are in this dimension.  Part of our necessary experience here!  Remember nobody, and I don't care if you believe Movie Stars or Rock Legends have non stop Party lives, because that is not the truth.  Everyone has a heartache they are carrying.   Everyone has a disappointment that is probably making them doubt themselves.  Everyone has  moments of despair.   


Next time the tears come, don't angrily force them away, nor choke & repress them.   Instead listen to them, allow them the grace of informing you your soul has something to say on the matter.

In closing,  I wish that you have more tears of inspired Joy in your life, then the tears that speak to you of sorrow.


I wish you Peace