I was given the assignment to find 10 accomplishments that are amazing about me.
This is may strike you as a huge departure from my normal tone, which is more a biography of my experiences. Experiences which lead me to shelter in places;- sometimes clean and well attended, such as hospitals, but other places surrounded by darkness. Darkness then becoming the future as well as my past.From my perspective, I tell you about my past and try to make the correlation to how releasing the pain of it, talking about it, writing about it, sharing and demystifying events may also be a method for you to take stock of those comments, or situations that made you see yourself or the world as ugly, frightening and even full of darkness.
The darkness and fear of the mind is the most debilitating.
Many years ago, I was talking to a woman who considered herself a Psychic, Life adviser. She told me that I don't even have a fantasy that ends happy. I didn't really get what she was trying to tell me. I can comprehend each work, sure enough. But what is the significance of having fantasies that don't end well? It might have been more than a month later that as I lay in my bed, indulging in the 'extra 5 minutes', before the pandemonium of the day began. I was having a 'daydream' and then I realized! I don't even allow myself the privilege of thinking that I won and Academy Award. Okay, that is a bit of stretch, but you get the point, yeah? If I thought a particular man was attractive, I wouldn't see us living happily ever after, I would see the start of a big fight!This subconscious programme of 'nothing ever works out for me' was creating my present and indeed my future. So, I have the law of negative attraction going on, yeah? These days I try to use the law of attraction theory, as much as I can, positive affirmations, positive and powerful images of a bright, healthy & happy future. But, it does take effort to change a more than 30 years of mental processing.
Now, before I was given this assignment, I was also told, when a person imagines a frightening event, or meditates on a wonderfully happy event, is is the exact same chemicals and brain function.
It is the exact same process in any persons mind, whether you see winning the Academy Award, or the National Lottery, as imagining the loss of a loved one. That is huge knowledge for me. As, I already know that any event, imagined vividly is as real to the mind as if you lived it. One of the studies done in the US years ago, had to do with the trickiest Basketball shot to make, a group of athletes practiced the 3 point shot for two weeks, the other group used meditation to vividly imagine scoring. In the end, the group that vividly imagined the event were more accurate and successful.
Although the events in my past were traumatic and painful, they gave me gifts and skills. I am convinced that I am more compassionate and understanding because of these experiences. Without these experiences, I would not be who I am. I was once told by a person {who considered himself to be a hybrid vampire, another story that I must go into full details on later} that being totally surrounded by darkness indicates the strength of my light. It's funny how I remember him making that statement yet and I couldn't get what a huge compliment it was, as I write it and read it now, my mind goes, surely that statement needs to be toned down a bit.
So, what are my 10 amazing things;-
What have I done that is worth noting down, remembering, perhaps even employing and developing?
I was told to start small,
I learned to read, I learned to write, I learned to read music,
I learned to play the clarinet; the piano, hand-bells and a specialist technique called 4 in hands, meaning I could cover an entire octave of notes by myself. {Yeah, a bit flashy, TOTALLY!!!}
I learned how to develop my flexibility, I learned how to use Yoga as a daily tool for flexibility and relaxation. Although rather late in life, age 24, I learned how to turn a cartwheel!
I learned to drive a car in the US and in the United Kingdom.
I learned to write with calligraphy and traditional ink pen, a very distinctive way to write cards.
I learned how to research and key plants and flowers, I even did the project for my boyfriend in school, because he was certain to fail Biology without it. {This is truly hysterical, because, I did my usual. I tried to do a good job. I can clearly remember using colours to help him with the key code. So Christian, didn't hand it in until it was well over a week late, and I couldn't believe it, I asked why and he said,"it would be obvious that it wasn't my work!"}
I learned how to choreograph and how to use fabric dye to permanently colour leotards.
One really amazing thing I did was in college. Where I did my Bachelors Degree, they didn't have a Dance major. The one subject that I had really enjoyed and wanted to continue studying was Dance.
If I really think about why I didn't go for it in a big way? There are many circumstances, even cutting comments but the underlying issue will be confidence and esteem. So, out of fear of being rejected, or worse not even having the raw potential, I didn't apply to The School for the Arts, Oberlin College or a Dancer's dream Juilliard, where I could spend entire days dedicated to furthering my study of Ballet, Modern & Jazz. Shamefully I admit to the fact that I only filled out one college application, and I was fortunate to be accepted. As a girl I hadn't been focused on grades, I never did poorly in school, but out of choice, {again this is another long story} my grades where above average, except in Dance & Art where I always achieved the highest marks.
So, I went off to college where there wasn't a Dance major, nor minor programme. But the most fascinating thing about this college was that it had Independent study programs for Junior and Senior years. This was a great way to learn how to think for yourself, but if you were wanting to do higher degree's this would assist you in preparation for writing a Master's dissertation. So, at the beginning of my Junior year I petitioned the Dean of Faculty with a course of study so as I could graduate with a bachelor's of Dance and Performance Art. It was a nerve racking 6 months, because if they decided against my proposal, I would have to declare a Theatre major, and there were courses that I still had to take which would mean I would have to take another year. The other really positive outcome to writing up this petition was that it would demonstrate to the Board the need for full time dance curriculum. Which would benefit one of my favourite people, my dance instructor Kim Tritt. The end result was that I did achieve this and now a Dance major is a standard degree offer at the college.
It is interesting to reflect at how I let the man I married take away any feelings of achievement for this. He often made sure to tell me, how useless my degree was. Now, when I really look at what I have done since leaving college, my first job was teaching dance, then I taught Yoga, when you think about it, and almost all the teaching has been dance or fitness based so that degree was never wasted. {Also, I think teaching is a performance, because sometimes you have to explain things that might be difficult to understand, or don't come naturally? So you need to engage your audiences imagination} It also leads me to tell you, no matter what you study or read, it all helps, it all adds to the depth of character. Any learning, and personal development will be worth it!
After I moved from the US to Scotland, I really struggled to find work. I eventually had to retrain in order to find a job that paid more than £3 per hour. National minimum wage act was not enforce until 1999. So I had to face something that I thought was too high an intellectual climb for me. That being the intellectual challenge of learning how to use a computer! I went to Pitman Training Centres and learning, touch typing, {still taught on typewriters in those days}, Teeline shorthand, I learned many computing courses, most of which were still in DOS. After working as a temp and then as a Receptionist for a large construction firm, I returned to Pitman Training Centre just over two years later to work as a member of staff.
My spouse was a keen runner, so in the early days of our engagement and the first years of our marriage, we would run 2 to 3 miles together, not much. The truth is I hated running. The entire time I was out with him going round the flats, breathing in the cars exhaust and second hand smoke, I hated it. Then one day, a dear friend of mine was talking about the Women's 10K, " a great wee race",she said. I felt so intimidated! I hated the few miles that we did do, how would I survive doubling it? So one brave day, we ran 4.5 miles. Do you know what I discovered? I discovered that those great endorphin's hit you after nearly 4 miles! It could be different for everybody, but for me, I had to be going 4 miles before the good juice was flowing and I was in my rhythm. I than ran a regular 4 miles, and I did run the Women's 10k more than several times!
After that, I become a mother, then we moved to the Gulf of Oman. Then I had my second baby, moved back to the UK, making that my third International move. Then I had my super wonderful blessing, my twins! I didn't get a night's sleep for about 7 years! I survived having 4 children under the age of 4, without any family around me to support me, and a spouse who engaged in cruel and abusive behaviours.
When the twins were 16 months I started taking them to the local gymnastics club. There the coach recognized my ability to engage with children and suggested I become a qualified Pre-school club coach. This was a very challenging return to study & work, mostly because of what was going on between me and my and my former spouse. He was fairly supportive of the Assist Club Coach course,and in retrospect I believe it has to do with the fact that we had people staying in our home. However, when it was suggested by that I go for the next course, he started to put serious blocks in my path. He even went so far as to say, he wouldn't watch his own children while I went to train on the course. { It was one thing for me to have a night out with my friends, as he would be sure that the next month or so I would be paying for it, by taking grief about what a terrible mother I was. But, to go away for a weekend? So, these courses, these serious of personal development and further education & training heralded not only a higher wage potential, but for me, the awakening within.}
Then one day,
I planned and executed my escape, with the help of some Earth Angel's {Debbie, Debbie & Peter, Suzi, Rosemary,and especially Jo who told me that Jesus would certainly not want me to live with some much misery}.
I left and without a scent from him, I went back to college to retrain again.
Okay,
I have digressed, {just a little?} But what is so amazing about me? Normally, I would tell you I am nothing special. But I had to face a very important discovery at the end of my second college course. As I studied Holistic therapy and started to work the treatments, I was uncovering healing within me. The more I opened up the door into my pain, the more I lifted another's spirit.
Often during our class, we would have very deep discussions. After giving a classmate a treatment, we were discussing a letter I had written to my Solicitor about my spouse's abusive behaviour. She had to point out to me, that my focus was unusual, I remember looking at her and saying,"I thought everyone had heartfelt concern for others, like me."
I must accept that this very special way of caring for others is part of the very reason I am here. One truly unique and amazing thing about me.
I have a funny feeling, as I go over this blog for my list of 10 amazing things about me, that I done my usual, that is, in an attempt to succeed very highly, I have probably gone way over the mark!
Okay, now it's your turn, start with the very small accomplishments, because this is important.
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