Campaigns and Head games

It was the summer before 

I finally stopped the progressive, downward, WALKED ALL OVER, erosion of my personality and stood up for myself and ran out on my  marriage.

This summer, the grandparents wanted to take our eldest two children to Disney World. Florida.   That meant that my husband and I had only two children to look after, plus my mother's wonderful Australian Terrier.  This time,  It should have been a gift, a time for the two older children to get some new experiences.   Also a time for us to just be with the twins, a good chance to have a bit less work and even a time for relaxing.  But there was an evening that would signal the end, as my Husband was on edge, like a rabid woman experiencing PMT.

We were staying in luxury at my Mother's vacation apartment.   This is in a South Carolina city which is a wonderful playground with almost any amusement you can imagine.   It  has a major road only a few blocks from the ocean.   This road is about 8 lanes for the cars, strip malls on the roadside and many billboards to inform visitors of the shows and various water parks or restaurants nearby.  There are many condominiums and my mother's building looks quite similar to one just a few blocks away, so it is a developed and busy area.   However, on the roadside, in the midst of all this modern development is one small house.  I always noticed this one house, it always draws me, I stare at every time I drive by it.      It is fair to say, I was curious perhaps propelled to that house.   This house has a business sign on the front that reads Spiritual Advisory and Life Coach.   I wondered if there might be an answer there.
I took the opportunity to actually go there!   The atmosphere between my husband and I was very strained.  {Now, I can see, he must have felt he was loosing control and that may have been what was eating away him}
So, I walked the dog down to this little house and knocked on the door.  Inside was an elderly man on the phone.  He came to the door, and let me in. He took me to a small room on the side of the lounge.  I liked this room, there was a statue of Jesus near the table, a bible was on the table near the Tarot deck.  I had spent a number of years reading the Bible everyday, and praying had been an activity I did several times daily.  My Mother and I once celebrated Lent by having a day to pray for all the members of the family.
It is easy for me to imagine you  criticizing my going to knock on a Psychic's door.  I can see how, someone can take advantage of another, especially when they feel that their situation is desperate,  just like I did.
That day I met Leo.   Leo, asked me to shuffle cards and then he did a reading of the cards.   He told me I had good ideas.   He told me he could see that alcohol was involved with the problems I was having.     He told me, that I didn't really know who I was.   He then told me that I was loved by Jesus and not to worry.   I told him how difficult I was finding my life with my husband.  He shared with me that he and his wife had 5 kids.   He also said his wife was a beautiful woman.   He also told me, how he had once lived in the Bar and when his beautiful wife threatened to leave he turned it all around.   He advised me to go back and give my marriage another chance.   So I walked back to the apartment.

Now, I might have been a way an hour?  Two hours?   I am not sure.  I wasn't worried, I didn't consider the time an issue.  The twins were in bed, my spouse would be on the balcony smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.   The joy I had in hearing a few nice things about myself and sharing stories with someone who listened, had perhaps made me forget, that being away from the House, was not acceptable.

BECAUSE believe you me, if I took so much as an extra 10 seconds at the shop near our home, my spouse would give me endless grief.  

So I had forgotten my place.

Now, after having kids, your social circle can get quite small.  Sometimes you can feel quite isolated when you are home with a young baby.   After my first child I went to a Breast feeding support group at the Hospital.  There I made a group of friends who have become life long friends and my fortress for sanity.   Back then, in those early days when our first born were infants, we would see each other every week, for tea and chat about how the babies were growing, etc.    In time, our lives changed.   Some of us moved out of the city and to quieter homes around Glasgow.   I went back to full time work when my daughter was 11 weeks.   There were more changes, and most of us had two children.
After my twins were born, I would be graciously offered an opportunity to catch up with them.   But to do this so we could really talk,  meant a night out.  Now,  I could get one, if he had nothing on and if I only asked for one that year.   But, The Real problems started when I came home.   Often it would be the next two months I would be paying for being so selfish.   One of my spouse's campaigns was, my 'ridiculous notion', that I could leave the house.  If I wanted to leave the house for a walk with a friend on a Sunday afternoon, he would forbid it, sighting the fact that I had four children.


So, that evening, when I returned to the apartment with my mother's dog, I was in a happy, calm place in my mind and  ready to compromise.   I gave the dog some water and looked in on the twins.  {As a parent, there is very little joy like seeing your child sleeping, they are just like Angels}   I found my spouse out on the balcony.  It is quite nice out there, you are high enough to have a good view of the shoreline.   In July, in the USA, people set off fireworks regularly.  But this balcony view is the best on the 4th of July, as you can see two local Fireworks displays, as well as, all those fireworks set off by visiting holiday makers down for the weekend!
But all was quiet as I came onto the balcony.  My happiness and willingness to forgive and work with this individual was shredded by the behaviour he exhibited next.  My Husband's personality was altered.   I was used to seeing him drunk, but this was different.  He seemed to me, to be on drugs.   He couldn't accept that I had taken the dog for a walk.   He accused me of having a lover.   Then he launched into me.

Although, this Blog is really about my realization that my Husband was never going to be nice to me, in any future moment.   It's named after how I describe the mental abuse & emotional abuse patterning in my marriage.  My counselor through the Women's Aid, told me that abuse tends to have a cycle.  So there would be quiet times.  Even years at times.  I knew when he was about to explode, but this night his behaviour was so very strange.  I think,  he might have had some extra assistance from a dark spirit.   He was more like Symbol than I ever saw, but even saying that, he wanted me squashed right down.

My former Spouse, had a way of beating me down, mentally.   The best way for me to explain this to you, is he played head games and would escalate his language over a period of time and I refer to these as his campaigns.   Simple examples of what I am trying to convey is, one started out with comments of,"you don't know what you are talking about."    This advances to, "Are you off your trolley?"   Then to "you are mentally unstable."   Then to the last and final insults, were I was told repeatedly, "You are crazy!"   Now,  taking punches, or having your wrist twisted behind your back, hurt.  But having your ability to think and reason clearly belittled, or even constantly eroded, doesn't just hurt, it takes great effort to NOT allow it to hurt you, forever.
We eventually moved into the apartment, were he continued his aggressive questioning about where I was.   What I couldn't understand;- He would go for a jog in the morning, sometimes it took him 40 minutes, and I was trying to get my fitness back so I would go for a jog on the beach and sometimes be back in over an hour.   Then, when my mother and I would go for a stroll with her dog we would walk to the far end of the shoreline and that must have been an hour and half walk.   He was accusing me of having gone somewhere for sex.  I was stunned.  

What?   I just, could not believe he thought for one second, that I had walked out the door and found someone and {this is vulgar, so pardon my language} shagged them in a dark corridor somewhere?   Yuck. 

That night, was the escalation from my being mentally unstable, to CRAZY.   My Husband didn't stop with it being his opinion, he told me, Your Father thinks your crazy.   He brought in every family member, and told me, they all thought I was crazy.
Then, we are in the back corner of the apartment near where the bedroom the twins are sleeping in.  He did something really strange, he punched the wall in front of my face.  Now, it would be years before I would understand that this type of 'non' contact violence, was still traumatic and threatening.
I am not sure how long we 'argued'.   What I do know is that I felt completely torn up by it.   I am not sure, how to express to you how altered a different this fight was.   I wasn't even sure why I felt so bruised in the morning.  Was it because I was on quite a lovely high from my time with Leo, or just that he was like a demon in a 'my husband' suit.
The next day, I had a chance to speak to my Mother and asked her, 'do you think I am crazy?'  It would be another day before I could ask my Father.  But the wounds that night were deep, and the words he lashed me with that night would sting for months.   {To be honest, it sometimes still rears it's Ugly head, but I am learning to love myself, warts and all!}    My husband also had a wound from that night,  he had about 4 inches of bruising on his arm between the wrist and elbow.   I believe he must have damaged himself when he punched the wall.   When asked by my parents he claimed no knowledge of how it could have happened.
The minute I could, I went back to Leo, the Spiritual Advisory and cried my heart out.   How could I make the marriage work?   It would be me, doing everything and he would still be unhappy and mean!
This time Leo told me about the cards he held back yesterday.  He also said, the earrings I was wearing that day were cursed.  He removed the curse using prayer and said he would help me.


Now, to be honest with you, it took me a few years after leaving my x husband to understand what mental abuse is.   But there are a few things I see clearly, one is how he was placing a wedge between me and my parents.  There is another aspect to abuse, one which is very subtle.  It is the taking of another's energy and robbing them of any power. 
  I believe this is done sometimes without a conscious Metaphysical training.  By that, I mean an understanding of the Human Energy system and how to tap into another's.   I did date a man who told me he was a hybrid vampire.   Now, he would always push my buttons and I think that is part of the technique.  The person taking the energy, gets their 'victim' in a highly emotional state.  
So now you have to think, do you know anyone who always seems to make you feel annoyed or causes arguments?   This person might be stirring the cauldron just to take that from you.  I do want to explore these Mystical topics in depth and promise to write a Blog with just that purpose.

Just to close this chapter, there was a line crossed that night.   I think he must have known I was looking for a way out.   Perhaps, part of the confidence I was showing, now that I was working a little and taking care of myself, really threatened him.
It baffled me,  because I was not looking for others to 'get off with'.   I was more than content to stay married to the father of my children.  But I did wish to grow and be a complete person.  

Even odder, when I think about who I was, when I met him.  In those days, I taught Ballet and Modern dance to young girls, I had several Yoga classes each week.  So I spent my time talking to others in leotards and tights.   Maybe the thought of my getting it together enough to be like I was in my late 20's was terrifying to him.
I am trying to see with compassion what must have driven him to behave in such a profound and  cruel manner.   What I understand to be true, is the more he oppressed me, part of me complied and believed, while my soul dwindled.  

That is the hint:-  To you,  one of the staggering truths I learned, as many as 3 out of 5 women are abused.   I was told by my couselor, to tell others of my journey.   Often I would hear, my sister suffered through that, or my mother, or even, and sadder they would respond with, "I was abused too."     If your sister, brother, mother lose that twinkle in their eyes, there is something in their life causing their soul to be slowly extinguished.