You might also think that, all I have are dark memories, ugly sad stories and complaints.
There are several great reasons for why I write. I write not to just speak of the pain and injustices I have seen and lived. But by having a good look at what I have kept secret and buried deep beneath pounds of flesh, I can find the lessons and indeed what is the true gift from these experiences.
I can tell you that in the beginning I was passionately in love with my husband. I thought we had talked through all our issues. I had made it abundantly clear that I wanted to know him with his 'Socially Acceptable' mask, off. We discussed wanting children, he said he wanted three and I had been more satisfied with the idea of two. He said he was happy for me to volunteer or stay working part time, he said I could stay home until the youngest was four. I truly believed that we had opened up to each other and allowed our inner skeletons to be exposed to the light.
In the early days most things went pretty smoothly. I never asked him to be responsible for my happiness nor did I ask that he look after me, at all, really. I totally had myself in hand and would do my cheerful best to thrive wherever we planted our roots. As long as we were together, I would have someone who loved me and saw me as special.
It was quite early on in my marriage that little changes started to take place. For one reason, as I lay in bed I started to cry. My husband rolled over and asked what was wrong? I said to him,"you hurt my feelings." He then told me, "Get over yourself, there are people starving in Africa."
Now this is a simple enough statement. But, when you break it down to it's parts, what was really being said was, you have no right to complain. Yes, I had a soft place to lay my head at night. Yes, there was a substantial roof over my head. Yes, I had prepared ample food for both of us to eat that night. That all being said, I still have the right to ask for my husband to apologize when I felt he had crossed the line.
Now, we can argue that he didn't know about the line, or perhaps he didn't realize that I was so sensitive. But that is why you talk about your feelings. It is not fair to just completely disregard the feelings of your partner. Now, I know I am very idealistic. I also look for the best in everyone. I am trusting and believe what I am told until I see otherwise.
This has meant that I have been taken advantage of. This leads me to be exceedingly vexed when someone takes my gentle and generous nature for granite. But I am a slow boil. I have in the past allowed others to cross the line, and cross the line, perhaps even three times step on me, and then begin to boil. So, I have had to adjust my ways and learn to speak up when I feel my toes are being stood on, instead of waiting.
That is part of My Life Lesson. Speak up!
Now, during the years between my dear twins birth and the day that I ran to the Women's Aid Shelter I can remember very little contact from angels, spirit & dreams. It took me being away from him to begin to dream again. I think, that the obvious reason why I closed the door to my communication to spirit was so that I could fit in easier. I feel sure I closed the door very hard when my father admonished me for seeing my Grandfather in spirit. But I had dreams and practiced meditation until, perhaps when I moved from the US, these things stayed put away and I just was preoccupied with my new playmate.
This strategy obviously worked for awhile. There was plenty of new places, cultural variations, funny language twists. Such words as, a biscuit is a cookie in the UK, whereas a biscuit is an unsweetened scone in the US. A cupcake is a fairy cake, French fries are chips and chips are crisps. In the UK crisps had the most amazing variety of flavors whereas in the US, there really wasn't that much. So there was always something to learn and many an adaptation I needed to make. This kept me preoccupied. Also my way of working in the US, teaching Yoga and Ballet wasn't working. I had to re train and learn computer courses! Which was quite a dramatic change for me, as I had been paralyzed by my 'terminal' fear before.
So I sailed along, enjoying finally being a married lady. Which was something I had prayed for and said affirmations in the hope to create. All these activities too, were dropped. I was able to keep dancing and I faithfully practiced Yoga. Although I tried my best to be made anew for this new chapter in my life. I was going to have to face that my 'playing' my part to the best of my ability was not cutting it!
I think there were two things that were true. One, I knew something was terribly wrong within the dynamic of my marriage, I did not know how to describe it. {I also never considered it anything more than the usual petty tortures which humans inflict upon one another} And the second, My sad but deeply human ego, would ensure that I would play happy families upon many occasions, especially his family.
My friends, and those who would listen for more than 20 minutes would soon hear the of the darkness and sadness. I am sure, towards the end I cried on everyone's shoulder so much they had damp patches and moss growing on them.
So, I was a contradiction! I was trying to hold it together and smile to others and pretend all was warm and happy in my home. But really, I was living lies. I can remember a day that stood out. It was a good day, it was bright and sunny outside the large double glass sliding doors in the kitchen. This image came to me, this image of me, banging and screaming against an invisible wall. I saw it and just kept my mouth shut. I saw it again and again over the next year.
I started to meditate again, near the last few years of my marriage. One disc I listened to often, in particular was from Paul McKenna's book, I can change your life in 10 days. So, although it took near enough two years, I do think this relaxation cd did help me gain confidence. That and I was recognized by the Head Coach at the gymnastics club, as an ideal candidate for the next coaching course. So positive was she, that she managed to get the centre to pay for the course, my travel and accommodation!
I have said this before, but this was the beginning of the end for my marriage. It enabled me to see that I had use and worth. Whilst I spent time in the house, reading to my kids, making homemade playdough and other types of play to learn activities, my spouse would come in the door and continually, daily immerse my mind with comments as,"you are useless, you don't know what you are talking about, you have no clue what is important!" When I was training as a coach, I heard many good things about myself. Sometimes I felt as if my head was going to explode, how could I be an inspiring creative coach and the most useless wife/mother on the planet? Surely, being a coach for children under the age of 5 and raising kids there, is a great deal of overlap in the core skills required?
It would still be several years before I would really get my head around leaving him. I really did want my marriage to work. I really did want my children to come from a warm, loving family home, unlike me. I wanted better for my children. And even that desire, created the impetus for me to leave him. My spirit showed me, I was losing touch with her the longer I stayed in that place. The longer I pretended and changed myself to please him, the less truth of spirit I had.
The sad truth here is, no matter how I tried, no matter what I did to please him? It never made him happy and his demeanor toward me only became worse the harder I tried.
So it wasn't a case of, he would say 'jump!' and I would say, "how high?". No. I would jump straight away and then ask, "is that not good enough, how's this?" I would keep jumping. This is not the solution.
I needed to learn to be who I truly am. To honour and exude my authentic self, this is exactly what we both should have been striving for. This is the way forward. No one, is worth the sacrifice of your true identity, soul purpose, nor spiritual gifts. It may not be easy, it may seem as if you are facing a firing squad, but living without authenticity? I believe will mean living with stress, inner turmoil and eventually illness
I had to go far to get where I am today, to see that there was invaluable gold in these harsh, bitter, days of my marriage. But the treasure is there, and in here, in ME!
So, I write my stories to help you too! Maybe you have a darkness that until it is uncovered you circle the issue?
I wish that you have no vampyres nor dis embodied monsters to dig up!
I am going to close with a quote from the couple I have been working with, they have helped me on the digging up and facing of my monsters;-
We need to arrive somewhere before we can leave...
We need to access the old in order to transform it into something new...
We need to go down the bunny hole, find the root issue, in order to pull it out.
We need to access the old in order to transform it into something new...
We need to go down the bunny hole, find the root issue, in order to pull it out.
Only when we choose to look at our darkness straight on, acknowledge and embrace it, will we then have the opportunity to say good-bye to it. Only then will it feel affirmed, and will stop trying to surprise us in unexpected ways and places, hoping we will finally deal with it.
Remember always ThinkMojo and Be Yourself
James and Mary
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