The safety of the Women's Aid Shelter gave me the time to begin the process of understanding the stress I had been living under.
I was utterly grateful to be away, I was thrilled to have a warm, dry, safe place for myself and children. It had been my main concern, in fact I still dream of being able to give my children a wonderful warm, dry, bright home.
However, there was fear. The shelter had other families who felt the fear. There was also guilt, doubt and anger. My son, always reminds me of that first afternoon. As I collected His sister and told the school we were going on Holiday. The Head and I actually had 'the' conversation. She was so supportive.
If you have to leave due to Domestic Abuse, tell people the truth. Because you will find, they have seen it, or lived it. They will surprise you and help you.
My son maintains the I am a liar as I lied on that day. I know it is hard for him to completely understand, to him the world is simple, black & white, truth & lies. I tried to explain, and then he would say, do you remember back when You loved my father? That woman who loved him? She was full of joy and hope. She left her family in the US and moved to Scotland to be with him. I am not sure, in those early days if there was something he wanted I would deny him.
When we were newly married, I spent my wages on clothes for him. I would wait to cook dinner until he came in from work. Sometimes 8.30 in the evening, I would wait just so we could eat together. In the beginning I loved him with a fiery passion.
The words Domestic Abuse covers an array of cruel ways one person can treat another. Most people will mentally jump to the the horrific and violent abuse. I can remember when I still lived in the US and a good few years before I would meet the man I married. I worked besides a woman who I confided in about my relationship with Symbol. She said to me, mental abuse is much harder to get over. I listened but didn't really believe her. I said before, when I was in the Women's Aid shelter I was given counselling and that was super important and helpful. So, I learned that it is easier to write off violent abuse as an act of passion. Whereas the mental abuse is often prepared and planned to have it's effect build over time.
I found it hard to describe what was happening to me. I sometimes felt as if my X Husband would be throwing a net or webbing over my mind. I can remember, after I had started back to the gym, I was beginning to eat salad's and cutting out carbohydrates. The best time for me to go out to the gym was over the evening meal time. Normally I would make the kids Tea and they would have it as I went to the gym. This meant he had to watch them eat their Tea. He didn't wash the dishes and often the only meal he prepared for the kids would be the weekend breakfasts. All other jobs were to be completed by me.
I can remember, I would have my salad after the kids had eaten and before the bath. I would sit in the kitchen, often by myself. I can remember him coming in and starting to plants seeds to ensure I would be thinking poorly about myself. At this time he started to push me to work. So this was the Campaign of, "You are a terrible wife for not working!" This would be the start of months of petty torments.
Those first few weeks in the Shelter were full of valuable lessons and hard all at the same time. I had a call from the Police asking me if I had any intention of returning to him. I had quite erroneously imagined that being the Shelter was answer enough. In my mind, throwing your belongs in black bin bags, taking the kids out of school and moving into a Shelter should have been a clear indication that this was a final chapter. I had angry texts from mother-in-law. I had emails from my mother telling me to go back as 'love' lived in the house. Yes, he still loved me, after all the shocking things I had done. {Isn't that just so amazing of him? I should count my lucky stars} The worst was his phone call, where he snarled at me, "I know where you are!"
I had heard that he had his youngest brother come up and used his title 'Dr' to question my friends about my mental state. Declaring that he was concerned I was unstable enough to kill myself and hurt the kids.
I have told you, yes, I spent months thinking about self harming. I was mentally clear and lucid about wanting to live and see my children live in a house where they can experience love. So to hear these accusations and know that my friends, those who helped, and even those who only knew at the very last were being treated as accomplices. It upset and darkened my thoughts about my mother in-law. I was also told that she traveled up that first weekend and spoke in an abusive manner and clearly laid the blame on my Minister.
Well blame where you can, but it wasn't the Minister's fault we did not get couples counselling. It was all down to my X Husband, I had set up meetings with the Scottish Marriages group, we would need to get to Irvine, and he put up every complaint and refusal he could. My Father had promised us money to cover the cost of counselling as well. I knew my Husband wanted that money, but he still refused to even compromise. As far as I am concerned, if he had the slightest serious intent about making a loving home life? He would have made it happen. So both appointments were cancelled.
Every day at 5 pm, I would start 'shushing'. You know the sound you make to quieten a baby? I walked around preparing Tea and cleaning everything and making the 'sh' sound. It took me about three weeks to realize what & why I was doing this. I was still physically responding to the past stimulus, that this was the time he would be coming home and I needed all things in proper order. Also, I was desperately trying not to cry. I had promised my daughter. After I put my kids to bed, I would sit and write out, often hammering the keyboard with my pent up anger. I would write to my Solicitor about what had happened. Although I was still just on the edge of understanding what domestic abuse was. I didn't have a good enough handle on what I had just suffered, and really thought that my complaints were pretty darn normal.
In these first few weeks, there were two shocking discoveries. The first was a diary, or as we were taught to call them at Sandy Spring Friends School, a Space Journal! I found this entry, at first I was sure I hadn't written it, as the had writing was so poor. When I read the few short sentences I remembered the night I had written it. I had spent that night, hiding and trying to sleep under the table that was beneath the stairs.
The journal entry was about a very dark and rainy night. The boys all shared one room at this time so the twins were just about two. I was trying to get some distance between him and me. He was fuming about something and I didn't want to get into it with him that night. One of my regular ways of coping when he became unbearable, was to go for a long walk.
This night, he forbade me from going out for a walk. I still put my coat on and quietly went out the front doors. I made it to the first set of three stairs when he grabbed me from behind, knocking me almost flat to the ground, he then dragged me back in the house. He shouted at me at the top of his lungs,"I am going to wake up the children and show them you are abandoning them!" I was so shaken and traumatized by being grabbed from behind, and now emotionally blackmailed that the children would be told something horrible and untrue, that I couldn't speak. That was the night he kicked the door to the boys' room, it never sat properly on the hinges after that night. I would do anything to keep him from harming the kids, especially this perversion of the truth. I was trying to escape from his cruel tyranny, not from my children, in any shape or form.
The next revelation was a gift to me from my dreams. This would be my first dream or gift from the realm of the ethereal world in years. In my dream I was in the bedroom my X Husband and I shared. He was getting ready for work. He had on his high quality trousers and dress shirt and was adjusting his tie. He walks out of the room, and in my head I hear, if he is gone, where am I? Then, I am taken to the space between the end of the bed and the mirrors, there on the carpet are shards. It was like a broken light bulb, except the pieces were of various colours, red, gold, green and just one eyeball. As I looked down on what I knew to be my only remains, I want to cherish them and scoop them up gently.
I awoke instantly and saw that it was just 3 am! I knew this dream was significant. I knew this was full of meaning. It took me a little while to realize that these shapes of colour signified, the only parts of me that were left untouched by his judgement.
If you are wondering how words can cut you so deeply, I will share with you what a friend said to me just a few months before I left him. This friend had watched him father destroy his mother, and his father re married and did the same to his step mother. He said to me,"Your Husband is doing to you with his arguments exactly the same as he would with a fist."
There was another individual who spoke to me and made me see that the even if I couldn't justify leaving him, I could not call our marriage credible. This complete stranger who spoke to me, said words that opened my eyes to how far away from healthy our relationship was. Her words really shook me to the core, and made me see how my marriage was a farce. She said."Gosh, if you are really hurting that much, you must tell him. He is after all your life partner."
For two weeks, all I could hear were those words, Life Partner. What does a Life Partnership look like?
There was nothing in our relationship that was looked or acted remotely like a Life Partnership. A Life Partner would be someone you could make important decisions with. A Life Partner would have your best interests at heart as well as their own. A Life Partnership would not entitle one person to have total control of every aspect of every decision!
A loving equal relationship is the only way to walk the journey of life for more than a few months.
When we were newly married, I spent my wages on clothes for him. I would wait to cook dinner until he came in from work. Sometimes 8.30 in the evening, I would wait just so we could eat together. In the beginning I loved him with a fiery passion.
The words Domestic Abuse covers an array of cruel ways one person can treat another. Most people will mentally jump to the the horrific and violent abuse. I can remember when I still lived in the US and a good few years before I would meet the man I married. I worked besides a woman who I confided in about my relationship with Symbol. She said to me, mental abuse is much harder to get over. I listened but didn't really believe her. I said before, when I was in the Women's Aid shelter I was given counselling and that was super important and helpful. So, I learned that it is easier to write off violent abuse as an act of passion. Whereas the mental abuse is often prepared and planned to have it's effect build over time.
I found it hard to describe what was happening to me. I sometimes felt as if my X Husband would be throwing a net or webbing over my mind. I can remember, after I had started back to the gym, I was beginning to eat salad's and cutting out carbohydrates. The best time for me to go out to the gym was over the evening meal time. Normally I would make the kids Tea and they would have it as I went to the gym. This meant he had to watch them eat their Tea. He didn't wash the dishes and often the only meal he prepared for the kids would be the weekend breakfasts. All other jobs were to be completed by me.
I can remember, I would have my salad after the kids had eaten and before the bath. I would sit in the kitchen, often by myself. I can remember him coming in and starting to plants seeds to ensure I would be thinking poorly about myself. At this time he started to push me to work. So this was the Campaign of, "You are a terrible wife for not working!" This would be the start of months of petty torments.
Those first few weeks in the Shelter were full of valuable lessons and hard all at the same time. I had a call from the Police asking me if I had any intention of returning to him. I had quite erroneously imagined that being the Shelter was answer enough. In my mind, throwing your belongs in black bin bags, taking the kids out of school and moving into a Shelter should have been a clear indication that this was a final chapter. I had angry texts from mother-in-law. I had emails from my mother telling me to go back as 'love' lived in the house. Yes, he still loved me, after all the shocking things I had done. {Isn't that just so amazing of him? I should count my lucky stars} The worst was his phone call, where he snarled at me, "I know where you are!"
I had heard that he had his youngest brother come up and used his title 'Dr' to question my friends about my mental state. Declaring that he was concerned I was unstable enough to kill myself and hurt the kids.
I have told you, yes, I spent months thinking about self harming. I was mentally clear and lucid about wanting to live and see my children live in a house where they can experience love. So to hear these accusations and know that my friends, those who helped, and even those who only knew at the very last were being treated as accomplices. It upset and darkened my thoughts about my mother in-law. I was also told that she traveled up that first weekend and spoke in an abusive manner and clearly laid the blame on my Minister.
Well blame where you can, but it wasn't the Minister's fault we did not get couples counselling. It was all down to my X Husband, I had set up meetings with the Scottish Marriages group, we would need to get to Irvine, and he put up every complaint and refusal he could. My Father had promised us money to cover the cost of counselling as well. I knew my Husband wanted that money, but he still refused to even compromise. As far as I am concerned, if he had the slightest serious intent about making a loving home life? He would have made it happen. So both appointments were cancelled.
Every day at 5 pm, I would start 'shushing'. You know the sound you make to quieten a baby? I walked around preparing Tea and cleaning everything and making the 'sh' sound. It took me about three weeks to realize what & why I was doing this. I was still physically responding to the past stimulus, that this was the time he would be coming home and I needed all things in proper order. Also, I was desperately trying not to cry. I had promised my daughter. After I put my kids to bed, I would sit and write out, often hammering the keyboard with my pent up anger. I would write to my Solicitor about what had happened. Although I was still just on the edge of understanding what domestic abuse was. I didn't have a good enough handle on what I had just suffered, and really thought that my complaints were pretty darn normal.
In these first few weeks, there were two shocking discoveries. The first was a diary, or as we were taught to call them at Sandy Spring Friends School, a Space Journal! I found this entry, at first I was sure I hadn't written it, as the had writing was so poor. When I read the few short sentences I remembered the night I had written it. I had spent that night, hiding and trying to sleep under the table that was beneath the stairs.
The journal entry was about a very dark and rainy night. The boys all shared one room at this time so the twins were just about two. I was trying to get some distance between him and me. He was fuming about something and I didn't want to get into it with him that night. One of my regular ways of coping when he became unbearable, was to go for a long walk.
This night, he forbade me from going out for a walk. I still put my coat on and quietly went out the front doors. I made it to the first set of three stairs when he grabbed me from behind, knocking me almost flat to the ground, he then dragged me back in the house. He shouted at me at the top of his lungs,"I am going to wake up the children and show them you are abandoning them!" I was so shaken and traumatized by being grabbed from behind, and now emotionally blackmailed that the children would be told something horrible and untrue, that I couldn't speak. That was the night he kicked the door to the boys' room, it never sat properly on the hinges after that night. I would do anything to keep him from harming the kids, especially this perversion of the truth. I was trying to escape from his cruel tyranny, not from my children, in any shape or form.
The next revelation was a gift to me from my dreams. This would be my first dream or gift from the realm of the ethereal world in years. In my dream I was in the bedroom my X Husband and I shared. He was getting ready for work. He had on his high quality trousers and dress shirt and was adjusting his tie. He walks out of the room, and in my head I hear, if he is gone, where am I? Then, I am taken to the space between the end of the bed and the mirrors, there on the carpet are shards. It was like a broken light bulb, except the pieces were of various colours, red, gold, green and just one eyeball. As I looked down on what I knew to be my only remains, I want to cherish them and scoop them up gently.
I awoke instantly and saw that it was just 3 am! I knew this dream was significant. I knew this was full of meaning. It took me a little while to realize that these shapes of colour signified, the only parts of me that were left untouched by his judgement.
If you are wondering how words can cut you so deeply, I will share with you what a friend said to me just a few months before I left him. This friend had watched him father destroy his mother, and his father re married and did the same to his step mother. He said to me,"Your Husband is doing to you with his arguments exactly the same as he would with a fist."
There was another individual who spoke to me and made me see that the even if I couldn't justify leaving him, I could not call our marriage credible. This complete stranger who spoke to me, said words that opened my eyes to how far away from healthy our relationship was. Her words really shook me to the core, and made me see how my marriage was a farce. She said."Gosh, if you are really hurting that much, you must tell him. He is after all your life partner."
For two weeks, all I could hear were those words, Life Partner. What does a Life Partnership look like?
There was nothing in our relationship that was looked or acted remotely like a Life Partnership. A Life Partner would be someone you could make important decisions with. A Life Partner would have your best interests at heart as well as their own. A Life Partnership would not entitle one person to have total control of every aspect of every decision!
A loving equal relationship is the only way to walk the journey of life for more than a few months.
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