The Pain Swap

I have to tell you!

It hasn't been easy.   I have to tell you, it was hard!   

Sometimes the physical pain was so great, it was all I could do to get some relief from it!

Sometimes I wondered if I would ever get out of the dark woods, and stop living right at the edge of life.   By that I mean, I was circling the drain, just going through the motions and most days, running back to the house to hide from the world.

It ALL just got on top of me.        I wish I could pin point the start. 

 I dislocated my knee, that didn't stop me.   
Then I tore my medial ligament, same knee as before!   That clipped my wings but I never let it make me stop.  
Then, I was given an appointment with a joint specialist in America, who offered a knee brace, but my body weight was creeping up. And with me, the more I weigh the less confident I feel.  


My friend turned to me and said, "You really aren't attractive anymore".  It hurt, but, I no longer could wear heels, and I didn't have clothes that made me feel attractive.   Then I dated a younger man for a while.  But he liked big, curvy women and would bring me chocolate at every meeting.  I got bigger.  

Then he dumped me by text on New Year's Eve.   He said I was the most self centred person he know.   That hurt.

My precious and precocious daughter, was diagnosed with type one Diabetes during the Holiday period.  When I came home from the hospital, I took all the Christmas decorations and threw them out.   As my 11 year old daughter asked me,"Why Mom?  Is God punishing me?  Did I do something wrong?"    I told her of course not.   But then when I was alone, doing a work out DVD, I started to beg God.  "Please let me have the Diabetes and not her."  Then I tried to bargain, then I asked, "Have I done something wrong?"  


For six weeks after my daughter was diagnosed I didn't leave the house.   I was afraid she would be rushed back into hospital, I didn't want to miss any sign this time.  Because I felt so guilty for missing the signs the first time!
My Lecturer from the college rang.   
A good friend came by and took me to visit another friend.  
It took those people reaching out to me, and

 just

trying 

to 

breath, 

but I eventually got up.   I started to take driving lessons.   My daughter would now have regular clinic appointments and medical checks.   So by Friday the 13th of June I had a driver's license.   That was a very good day!


I started to work more,  I seemed to walk a lot less.  I could take the kids to the cinema, I could get them a fancy meal without having to pay for a taxi too.
Then, there were more injuries.   I had shin splints and then, the person who once called me his Best friend, stopped talking to me.   In fact, he said he could no longer take texts at work.  And for two months, as we worked side by side, he continued to give me the cold shoulder.  I was in a deep freeze.   I tried harder to worked more diligently so that he would feel less stressed.  BUT Night after night, after putting the kids in bed, I would cry.  I could not figure out,'What had I done to alienate him?'


This particular friend, this man, I had REALLY opened up too.   I told him, after I left my husband, I felt as if every aspect of my personality had been judged and found lacking.   I told him how important he was to me.   Our relationship changed.  He had started flirting with me, and I enjoyed having this wonderful attention to no end.   


I had two short affairs after I left my spouse due to domestic abuse.   So, the friendship & work partnership had become the bright centre of my world.  A world that was being drawn back into the shroud of darkness.      So, this pain, did stop me.


Then came, Plantar Fasciitis.  This painful condition started as a feeling of scratching on my left heel and developed until I couldn't take a step without pain.   So, I was barely walking, even in my fitness clubs.


These are the days and nights, I decide it is better to just stay in.  Get in, as quickly as possible, return to the safety of my home and the pleasure of my own company.   I am safe on my own.   Also, for the first time in my life, I am happy being alone.   I miss the kids when they go to their father's, and sometimes they come back they need to hugged and loved up in the worst way.

Before this streak of lower joint problems, I would spend the time, the days and hours the kids were away, involved with taekwon - do.   It gave me a productive focus and there was a core group, a 'family' as it were, to be supported by.   I was still active with my clubs, but I was losing much of the good ground that I had gained in the preparation for my Black Belt.   This was frustrating and yet I nurtured myself with comfort food.
I had this attachment to the clubs, to the family and friends I had there, unwittingly I sought emotional nutrition there.   It is quite a obtuse mental leap, that I would pursue one goal only to realize that I had created a negative driving force.  
The study of martial arts is brilliant, it can strengthen your body, help you to stand taller and be more confident and comfortable in your own skin.  
Sometimes I think, my experience with Connie made me want to be a strong fighter.  I know, how I loved watching Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy the Vampire slayer, she made being a 'girly' woman and a fighter look possible.   {Even though my daughter was younger than the recommended viewing age, I liked her watching this show.}   She wasn't the first female action hero.  Lindsay Wagner and Lynda Carter both had set the stage for this new genre.  But, Buffy had to fight in a serious and hand to hand context.  {There is this one episode, where she fights a Vampire who had taekwon - do training!}
I sometimes think, I am not what people image a Martial artist to be, but I also know, that I have good ways of sharing the knowledge I have gained.

But these past few years have been tough.  There has been plenty of pain, physical, emotional and generous amounts of guilt!   

Now, I feel I am in such a state physically, when I really see myself, I am so disappointed with myself.   But, I must have hope and faith that I can turn this around!   If I stay injury free, but also, I have to get out of this dreadful downward spiral, that has been my comfort zone.

This is the phase of my life I have called the Pain Swap.

I am avoiding the pain of relationships.  Mostly I run from men, because I am not at all interested in MORE of what has happened before.   {That is why being overweight is comforting, I don't think big is beautiful and therefore, the puffiness of my flesh is a shield.   Does that strike you as a bit crazy?   I love fitness, and yet I have chosen to become fat?}  From the first man in my life, my father, to the most recent, which could only be described as relationship based on my idol worship and deep emotional attachment, but there was self sacrifice and bullying in each and every relationship.
So, I swapped the pain of loneliness for the possible pain from a new relationship.   But I also had a great deal of physical pain.   There were years that I lived on anti-inflammatory tablets and would come home after training, to put my knee up and ice it.  So there was also a real physical reason for not wanting to cross the threshold of my home.  


My mother has a favourite Radio Psychologist Personality, Dr Ruth. One of Dr Ruth's saying is, "Just because you went in the woods and was chased by a Bear, doesn't mean you should never walk in the woods again"    I get it.   
But, it is not just my own cracked and jaded heart, that I protect.   I have my children to think about.   I will never forget my daughter asking me to promise, if I ever dated anyone she didn't like, I would dump him.  Done sweetheart!
I also need that friend, to stand before me and tell me again,'you are ugly now.'
Because now, I am divorced and have been on my own for 4 years.  I am afraid I could just stay here.   Be content to help others, watch my kids grow up and get progressively bigger.   The weight keeps me from feeling comfortable in my own skin.  It has begun to effect my ability to really enjoy taekwon-do, parents' night, or any social event!   I have been injury free now for 6 months!   That is a big deal.  I have started to create my personal training programme.  But the pattern of sitting in, and choosing the wrong foods is ingrained now, it is the familiar and easy choice.
So, I have to take some risks,  I have to try to walk in the woods again.
Perhaps, as Dr Ruth says, this time I will meet a deer.