Although we Human Beings have many unique likes and quirks, we are sociable creatures. We like company, as a generalization. I have a sibling who likes nothing more than the comfort of quiet and solitude.
It has been my experience that isolation has been used as means of control by more than one of my abusers.
There can be nothing as difficult for a person as being forced into isolation.
Solitary confinement is an old form of punishment and even today, in the quiet culture of the Amish, they use 'shunning'. To be ignored, not even acknowledged is still so hard for a person, to live without the warmth of companionship.
I can still remember the day I was made to 'stand in the corner' at Kindergarten. I was being punished for trying to hide the crusts of my tuna sandwich. {I wasn't very clever, I had just tried to make it look as if I had eaten them by chucking them under the table.} It is a shame, as now I eat the crust, but back then, I found the tuna dry and chewy. I did not enjoy the experience of being put in the corner. The punishment really worked for me. I could not see what my friends were doing, I could hear their happy noise and it did make me feel outcast. Even this, just facing away, and not being allowed to see anything was hard.
So, if you want to give another a jolt and rattle their cage, find a way to isolate them from others.
One of the very difficult time for a modern woman, is after the birth of her child. A Western, Modern woman, may have had a big social circle, through work, perhaps friends at social clubs or a gym. During the day, a new mother can feel that isolated, as most of the people, including the father of the child is working during the day. I was in my 30's before I had my first child. I was used to getting up before work, exercising, putting on a load of wash, going to work, going to the gym, making dinner. The upheaval of an infant was not what I expected. Yeah, I had the whole, sitting in the lounge looking at the clock and wondering where the day had gone. All I had accomplished was feeding the baby, I was still in my pajamas. I even remember the morning the Health Visitor came and she got me a glass of water!
You need good friends. At every stage of life, it is so important to get a chance to meet up with people who support you and listen to the challenges you are facing without judgment.
During that time of being a first time Mom, I was fortunate to make a weekly commitment to a Breastfeeding support group. In that weekly meeting I met some of the Best friends and supporters ever!
These women helped me endlessly over these many years. The various challenges of raising children and life, have been discussed, shared and made easier to bare by our friendship. Without them, I may have felt more shipwrecked than ever, when I took the chance and left my Husband.
Taking you back, to my former relationship, the young man I call Symbol. One of the ways he kept me so controlled was Isolation. Now, I had this landline phone, this was back in the days before mobile phones, you see. So, the phone socket was for one of these that should be set on the wall, and the type of phone I had was one that needed to sit, so the handset was in the cradle. So the phone couldn't be hung and the safest place for it was often in the drawer below the counter in the kitchen. As the kitchen counter space was very small, the phone lived in the drawer more and more.
There came a point, where I would find that the cord had actually been unplugged and put in the drawer with the phone. I remember asking him, 'Why?' And it is quite funny now, as I can hear both Symbol and my Ex Husband really using this same excuse. I don't like to answer calls from salespeople. I can get that. But what was happening was, days or even a week would go by before I might think, the phone hasn't rung. This kept me in his 'bubble', I was unable to hear or get a message to the Larger world.
Now as great as any relationship is;- it is always so important to keep a balance of time with friends. It is a common Rookie mistake, to devote all your time to your Loved One and lose sight of those people who can help you and support you in other, still valuable ways.
I am completely aware, that there was a point where Symbol started to shrink my social world. I like people. I like people who are different from me. I like people who have lived their lives in different countries. I like to hear their stories and learn from them. I used to enjoy conversation and dare I say it, a bit of banter and flirting. {Are you shocked?} He would say that my friend didn't really liked me and he had heard her speak badly about me behind my back. He would demand a lot of attention and make it difficult for me to meet friends for an evening out.
This was also true with my Ex Husband. It is obvious that I was trying my best to show my devotion and loyalty. But I will never forget the day that my Mother-in-law asked me, 'why I changed our number to a ex directory'. I didn't know what to say, except the truth, I didn't change our number. I wasn't consulted on this decision. But that he should decide we needed unilateral division from the outside and forget to mention a phone number change to his mother? {How do you answer that one?}
When you are living in this type of relationship, it can be so hard to see these small devices your partner might use to keep you in check, as it were. It is a bit more difficult today, as we have our mobile phones and social media. Yet, you do hear of partners who 'Block' certain people from their partners Social media. You would have to know what to look for, but it can be done without your knowledge. So, Isolation can be used to keep you surrounded by their devices and energy. This makes it easier for a Abuser/Bully to keep feeding you certain thoughts. Even keep you feeling doubtful about a friend!
One of the lessons I feel I am having to face is, that Love is not outside of me.
That the Love and Devotion and Loyalty I poured into these and other relationships, did me a disservice.
You may have heard this clique, Before you can Love another you need to Love yourself.
My feelings about this statement is that it is founded in great truth.
It is not about how much Love, Warmth & gifts you can shower on the Person of your affection. It is about keeping a balance on the Love & Devotion you have to Your Soul's purpose and nurture that. Through this self loving action you allow others to enjoy and love you more. This isn't an easy task. I was brought up to believe we must give and not be selfishly motivated. Yet, If I don't take care of myself and give and give and give, my world suffers.
So
Love Yourself,
keep yourself surrounded by by people who bring Joy to your heart.
And may you be blessed through reading this.
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