My Plexi glass cage

You might take from reading my Blog that, everyday being married was a nightmare.

You might also think that, all I have are dark memories, ugly sad stories and complaints.

There are several great reasons for why I write.   I write not to just speak of the pain and injustices I have seen and lived.  But by having a good look at what I have kept secret and buried deep beneath pounds of flesh, I can find the lessons and indeed what is the true gift from these experiences.

I can tell you that in the beginning I was passionately in love with my husband.   I thought we had talked through all our issues.   I had made it abundantly clear that I wanted to know him with his 'Socially Acceptable' mask, off.  We discussed wanting children, he said he wanted three and I had been more satisfied with the idea of two.   He said he was happy for me to volunteer or stay working part time, he said I could stay home until the youngest was four.    I truly believed that we had opened up to each other and allowed our inner skeletons to be exposed to the light.  

In the early days most things went pretty smoothly.   I never asked him to be responsible for my happiness nor did I ask that he look after me, at all, really.   I totally had myself in hand and would do my cheerful best to thrive wherever we planted our roots.   As long as we were together, I would have someone who loved me and saw  me as special.

It was quite early on in my marriage that little changes started to take place.   For one reason, as I lay in bed I started to cry.   My husband rolled over and asked what was wrong?   I said to him,"you hurt my feelings."  He then told me, "Get over yourself, there are people starving in Africa."
Now this is a simple enough statement.  But, when you break it down to it's parts, what was really being said was, you have no right to complain.   Yes, I had a soft place to lay my head at night.  Yes, there was a substantial roof over my head.   Yes, I had prepared ample food for both of us to eat that night.   That all being said, I still have the right to ask for my husband to apologize when I felt he had crossed the line.
Now, we can argue that he didn't know about the line, or perhaps he didn't realize that I was so sensitive.   But that is why you talk about your feelings.   It is not fair to just completely disregard the feelings of your partner.   Now, I know I am very idealistic.   I also look for the best in everyone.   I am trusting and believe what I am told until I see otherwise.
This has meant that I have been taken advantage of.   This leads me to be exceedingly vexed when someone takes my gentle and generous nature for granite.   But I am a slow boil.   I have in the past allowed others to cross the line, and cross the line, perhaps even three times step on me, and then begin to boil.   So, I have had to adjust my ways and learn to speak up when I feel my toes are being stood on, instead of waiting.

That is part of My Life Lesson.   Speak up!

Now, during the years between my dear twins birth and the day that I ran to the Women's Aid Shelter I can remember very little contact from angels, spirit & dreams.   It took me being away from him to begin to dream again.   I think, that the obvious reason why I closed the door to my communication to spirit was so that I could fit in easier.   I feel sure I closed the door very hard when my father admonished me for seeing my Grandfather in spirit.   But I had dreams and practiced meditation until, perhaps when I moved from the US, these things stayed put away and I just was preoccupied with my new playmate.

This strategy obviously worked for awhile.  There was plenty of new places, cultural variations, funny language twists.   Such words as, a biscuit is a cookie in the UK, whereas a biscuit is an unsweetened scone in the US.   A cupcake is a fairy cake, French fries are chips and chips are crisps.   In the UK crisps had the most amazing variety of flavors whereas in the US, there really wasn't that much.   So there was always something to learn and many an adaptation I needed to make.  This kept me preoccupied.   Also my way of working in the US, teaching Yoga and Ballet  wasn't working.   I had to re train and learn computer courses!   Which was quite a dramatic change for me, as I had been paralyzed by my 'terminal' fear before.

So I sailed along, enjoying finally being a married lady.   Which was something I had prayed for and said affirmations in the hope to create.   All these activities too, were dropped.   I was able to keep dancing and I faithfully practiced Yoga.   Although I tried my best to be made anew for this new chapter in my life.   I was going to have to face that my 'playing' my part to the best of my ability was not cutting it!

I think there were two things that were true.  One, I knew something was terribly wrong within the dynamic of my marriage, I did not know how to describe it.   {I also never considered it anything more than the usual petty tortures which humans inflict upon one another}    And the second, My sad but deeply human ego, would ensure that I would play happy families upon many occasions, especially his family.
My friends, and those who would listen for more than 20 minutes would soon hear the of the darkness and sadness.   I am sure, towards the end I cried on everyone's shoulder so much they had damp patches and moss growing on them.
So, I was a contradiction!   I was trying to hold it together and smile to others and pretend all was warm and happy in my home.   But really, I was living lies.   I can remember a day that stood out.   It was a good day, it was bright and sunny outside the large double glass sliding doors in the kitchen.   This image came to me, this image of me, banging and screaming against an invisible wall.    I saw it and just kept my mouth shut.   I saw it again and again over the next year.
I started to meditate again, near the last few years of my marriage.  One disc I listened to often, in particular was from Paul McKenna's book, I can change your life in 10 days.   So, although it took near enough two years, I do think this relaxation cd did help me gain confidence.    That and I was recognized by the Head Coach at the gymnastics club, as an ideal candidate for the next coaching course.   So positive was she, that she managed to get the centre to pay for the course, my travel and accommodation!

I have said this before, but this was the beginning of the end for my marriage.   It enabled me to see that I had use and worth.   Whilst I spent time in the house, reading to my kids, making homemade playdough and other types of play to learn activities, my spouse would come in the door and continually, daily immerse my mind with comments as,"you are useless, you don't know what you are talking about, you have no clue what is important!"    When I was training as a coach, I heard many good things about myself.   Sometimes I felt as if my head was going to explode, how could I be an inspiring creative coach and the most useless wife/mother on the planet?   Surely, being a coach for children under the age of 5 and raising kids there, is a great deal of overlap in the core skills required?  

It would still be several years before I would really get my head around leaving him.   I really did want my marriage to work.   I really did want my children to come from a warm, loving family home, unlike me.   I wanted better for my children.   And even that desire, created the impetus for me to leave him.   My spirit showed me,  I was losing touch with her the longer I stayed in that place.   The longer I pretended and changed myself to please him, the less truth of spirit I had.

The sad truth here is, no matter how I tried, no matter what I did to please him?   It never made him happy and his demeanor toward me only became worse the harder I tried.

So it wasn't a case of, he would say 'jump!'  and I would say, "how high?".  No.   I would jump straight away and then ask, "is that not good enough, how's this?"   I would keep jumping.    This is not the solution.

I needed to learn to be who I truly am.   To honour and exude my authentic self, this is exactly what we both should have been striving for.   This is the way forward.    No one, is worth the sacrifice of your true identity, soul purpose, nor spiritual gifts.   It may not be easy, it may seem as if you are facing a firing squad, but living without authenticity?   I believe will mean living with stress, inner turmoil and eventually illness

I had to go far to get where I am today, to see that there was invaluable gold in these harsh, bitter, days of my marriage.   But the treasure is there,  and in here, in ME!

So, I write my stories to help you too!  Maybe you have a darkness that until it is uncovered you circle the issue?

I wish that you have no vampyres  nor dis embodied monsters to dig up!  

I am going to close with a quote from the couple I have been working with, they have helped me on the digging up and facing of my monsters;-

We need to arrive somewhere before we can leave...
We need to access the old in order to transform it into something new...
We need to go down the bunny hole, find the root issue, in order to pull it out.

Only when we choose to look at our darkness straight on, acknowledge and embrace it, will we then have the opportunity to say good-bye to it. Only then will it feel affirmed, and will stop trying to surprise us in unexpected ways and places, hoping we will finally deal with it.

Remember always ThinkMojo and Be Yourself

James and Mary

www.thinkmojo.co.uk

www.facebook.com/thinkmojo

After Shocks

The safety of the Women's Aid Shelter gave me the time to begin the process of understanding the stress I had been living under.

I was utterly grateful to be away, I was thrilled to have a warm, dry, safe place for myself and children.   It had been my main concern, in fact I still dream of being able to give my children a wonderful warm, dry, bright home.

However, there was fear.   The shelter had other families who felt the fear.   There was also guilt, doubt and anger.   My son, always reminds me of that first afternoon.  As I collected His sister and told the school we were going on Holiday.  The Head and I actually had 'the' conversation.   She was so supportive.   

If you have to leave due to Domestic Abuse, tell people the truth.  Because you will find, they have seen it, or lived it.   They will surprise you and help you.

My son maintains the I am a liar as I lied on that day.   I know it is hard for him to completely understand, to him the world is simple, black & white, truth & lies.   I tried to explain, and then he would say, do you remember back when You loved my father?    That woman who loved him?   She was full of joy and hope.   She left her family in the US and moved to Scotland to be with him.   I am not sure, in those early days if there was something he wanted I would deny him.
When we were newly married, I spent my wages on clothes for him.  I would wait to cook dinner until he came in from work.  Sometimes 8.30 in the evening, I would wait just so we could eat together.   In the beginning I loved him with a fiery passion.


The words Domestic Abuse covers an array of cruel ways one person can treat another.   Most people will mentally jump to the the horrific and violent abuse.    I can remember when I still lived in the US and a good few years before I would meet the man I married.   I worked besides a woman who I confided in about my relationship with Symbol.   She said to me, mental abuse is much harder to get over.   I listened but didn't really believe her.  I said before, when I was in the Women's Aid shelter I was given counselling and that was super important and helpful.  So, I learned that it is easier to write off violent abuse as an act of passion.   Whereas the mental abuse is often prepared and planned to have it's effect build over time.

I found it hard to describe what was happening to me.   I sometimes felt as if my X Husband would  be throwing a net or webbing over my mind.   I can remember, after I had started back to the gym, I was beginning to eat salad's and cutting out carbohydrates.   The best time for me to go out to the gym was over the evening meal time.   Normally I would make the kids Tea and they would have it as I went to the gym.   This meant he had to watch them eat their Tea.   He didn't wash the dishes and often the only meal he prepared for the kids would be the weekend breakfasts.   All other jobs were to be completed by me.
 I can remember, I would have my salad after the kids had eaten and before the bath.  I would sit in the kitchen, often by myself.  I can remember him coming in and starting to plants seeds to ensure I would be thinking poorly about myself.   At this time he started to push me to work.    So this was the Campaign of, "You are a terrible wife for not working!"   This would be the start of months of petty torments.

Those first few weeks in the Shelter were full of valuable lessons and hard all at the same time.   I had a call from the Police asking me if I had any intention of returning to him.  I had quite erroneously imagined that being the Shelter was answer enough.   In my mind, throwing your belongs in black bin bags, taking the kids out of school and moving into a Shelter should have been a clear indication that this was a final chapter.   I had angry texts from mother-in-law.   I had emails from my mother telling me to go back as 'love' lived in the house.   Yes, he still loved me, after all the shocking things I had done.   {Isn't that just so amazing of him?   I should count my lucky stars}   The worst was his phone call, where he snarled at me, "I know where you are!"

I had heard that he had his youngest brother come up and used his title 'Dr' to question my friends about my mental state.   Declaring that he was concerned I was unstable enough to kill myself and hurt the kids.

I have told you, yes, I spent months thinking about self harming.   I was mentally clear and lucid about wanting to live and see my children live in a house where they can experience love.   So to hear these accusations and know that my friends, those who helped, and even those who only knew at the very last were being treated as accomplices.  It upset and darkened my thoughts about my mother in-law.    I was also told that she traveled up that first weekend and spoke in an abusive manner and clearly laid the blame on my Minister.

Well blame where you can, but it wasn't the Minister's fault we did not get couples counselling.  It was all down to my X Husband, I had set up meetings with the Scottish Marriages group, we would need to get to Irvine, and he put up every complaint and refusal he could.   My Father had promised us money to cover the cost of counselling as well.   I knew my Husband wanted that money, but he still refused to even compromise.  As far as I am concerned, if he had the slightest serious intent about making a loving home life?   He would have made it happen.  So both appointments were cancelled.

Every day at 5 pm,  I would start 'shushing'.   You know the sound you make to quieten a baby?   I walked around preparing Tea and cleaning everything and making the 'sh' sound.   It took me about three weeks to realize what & why I was doing this.   I was still physically responding to the past stimulus, that this was the time he would be coming home and I needed all things in proper order.  Also, I was desperately trying not to cry.  I had promised my daughter.   After I put my kids to bed, I would sit and write out, often hammering the keyboard with my pent up anger.   I would write to my Solicitor about what had happened.   Although I was still just on the edge of understanding what domestic abuse was.   I didn't have a good enough handle on what I had just suffered, and really thought that my complaints were pretty darn normal.
In these first few weeks, there were two shocking discoveries.   The first was a diary, or as we were taught to call them at Sandy Spring Friends School, a Space Journal!   I found this entry,  at first I was sure I hadn't written it, as the had writing was so poor.   When I read the few short sentences I remembered the night I had written it.   I had spent that night, hiding and trying to sleep under the table that was beneath the stairs.
The journal entry was about a very dark and rainy night.   The boys all shared one room at this time so the twins were just about two.   I was trying to get some distance between him and me.   He was fuming about something and I didn't want to get into it with him that night.    One of my regular ways of coping when he became unbearable, was to go for a long walk.
This night, he forbade me from going out for a walk.   I still put my coat on and quietly went out the front doors.   I made it to the first set of three stairs when he grabbed me from behind, knocking me almost flat to the ground, he then dragged me back in the house.   He shouted at me at the top of his lungs,"I am going to wake up the children and show them you are abandoning them!"   I was so shaken and traumatized by being grabbed from behind, and now emotionally blackmailed that the children would be told something horrible and untrue, that I couldn't speak.  That was the night he kicked the door to the boys' room, it never sat properly on the hinges after that night.   I would do anything to keep him from harming the kids, especially this perversion of the truth.   I was trying to escape from his cruel tyranny, not from my children, in any shape or form.

The next revelation was a gift to me from my dreams.  This would be my first dream or gift from the realm of the ethereal world in years.   In my dream I was in the bedroom my X Husband and I shared.  He was getting ready for work.  He had on his high quality trousers and dress shirt and was adjusting his tie.   He walks out of the room, and in my head I hear, if he is gone, where am I?   Then, I am taken to the space between the end of the bed and the mirrors, there on the carpet are shards.     It was like a broken light bulb, except the pieces were of various colours, red, gold, green and just one eyeball.   As I looked down on what I knew to be my only remains, I want to cherish them and scoop them up gently.
I awoke instantly and saw that it was just 3 am!   I knew this dream was significant.   I knew this was full of meaning.   It took me a little while to realize that these shapes of colour signified, the only parts of me that were left untouched by his judgement.

If you are wondering how words can cut you so deeply, I will share with you what a friend said to me just a few months before I left him.   This friend had watched him father destroy his mother, and his father re married and did the same to his step mother.   He said to me,"Your Husband is doing to you with his arguments exactly the same as he would with a fist."

There was another individual who spoke to me and made me see that the even if I couldn't justify leaving him, I could not call our marriage credible.    This complete stranger who spoke to me, said words that opened my eyes to how far away from healthy our relationship was.   Her words really shook me to the core, and made me see how my marriage was a farce.   She said."Gosh, if you are really hurting that much, you must tell him.   He is after all your life partner."
For two weeks, all I could hear were those words, Life Partner.   What does a Life Partnership look like?
There was nothing in our relationship that was looked or acted remotely like a Life Partnership.   A Life Partner would be someone you could make important decisions with.   A  Life Partner would have your best interests at heart as well as their own.   A Life Partnership would not entitle one person to have total control of every aspect of every decision!
A loving equal relationship is the only way to walk the journey of life for more than a few months.

I am still looking for ways to be partners with friends and co workers in life.   I think if we really treat each other with respect and take time to really listen.   If we just help each other, a little bit.   I am sure we will find there is a way to make more of our lives and time.   That we can really create a better life for ourselves and our loved ones.   The possibilities are all within us to make love and joy or anger and hate.   You make the choice.

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