Radiant Healing Arts: The Woman I was

Radiant Healing Arts: The Woman I was: Back in the late eighties, BKS Iyengar came to America.  He was to teach for two weeks in San Diego, California.   I was teaching several...

Radiant Healing Arts: Campaigns and Head games

Radiant Healing Arts: Campaigns and Head games: It was the summer before   I finally stopped the progressive, downward, WALKED ALL OVER, erosion of my personality and stood up for mys...

Radiant Healing Arts: Surrounded by Darkness

Radiant Healing Arts: Surrounded by Darkness: There is a period of 8 months, in my marriage,  that I will always think of as the darkest, coldest and most challenging for me. It was ...

Surrounded by Darkness

There is a period of 8 months, in my marriage,  that I will always think of as the darkest, coldest and most challenging for me.

It was quite a challenge for me after the twins were born.   I didn't really have tremendous gaps between my babies.  I had twenty months between my first and my second child.   There were 2 years between my second child and the twins.   Now, I have to take my share of the credit here.   When my number 1 son was born, we lived in the Middle East and our lifestyle was astoundingly fabulous.   Yes, the constant sun and heat made you forget what month you were in.   I think there was once a quick rain shower,  but in the two years we were there, it was pretty much sunny and hot everyday.   I loved it!
Except at Christmas, then it seemed really odd to have a full roasted meal, while sitting out in your swim suit.  {To be honest, our first year there, Christmas fell during Ramadan, which is the Muslim equivalent to Catholic's Lent.   It is a festival of fasting and prayer.   So we had our Christmas at my Husband's favourite place, where he could go diving, and they put up this screen so as no Muslim's would be offended as we  feasted, on the beach in the sunshine.   That is Not Christmas at all!}
Sometimes I have a similar problem living in Scotland.   Not that there is so much sun, actually, it is often very dull and rainy.   The interesting thing is, there isn't of a great variation in the temperature.   For example, in June this year, it was so cold and wet, when I drove to the grocery store I saw people in winter hats and coats.  If I hadn't known it was just weeks from the schools closing for summer, I would have guessed the month as late September.

So after nearly two years, of having a relaxed work life for my Husband.   While we lived in Oman, we had plenty of money coming in on just his salary,  we sent half of it to the UK where it covered the mortgage and other expenses.   I taught a few classes after my son was born and made enough to pay for us to have a 'date night'.   I also had a woman come and help me three afternoon's each week.  She and my infant son had bonded very well.   I also had a profound fondness for her.   I would miss her tremendously.  It was during this time that I prayed for another two children.   In my mind, this prayer covered my intention to have one at 38 giving my son a few  years of quality time with me.   Then another baby at 40.   But, as they always say, be careful what you wish for, as you just may get it.

When we left Oman, unbeknownst to me at that time, I was carrying my twins.  We then spent a lovely week in France were I drank wine and ate soft cheeses, just about everyday!    I am very blessed to have two perfectly healthy, strong twin sons.   They are just as precious as sunshine to me.    {And if anyone thinks I only love my twins?  I just want to state categorically and emphatically, I have a total, overwhelming, all encompassing heart feeling for all four of my children}  But, when I had that initial scan, they gave me a lecture on being a geriatric mom!   I was 35!   So, I am especially glad it all worked out, as the midwife and nurse were showing me charts of all the chromosomes and how many things could go wrong with my pregnancy.   They wanted me to have amniocentesis.  This procedure carries a spontaneous abortion risk, and as they were convinced the twins were non identical, I would have had to have two!
On This day I stood up and told them, there was no way I was testing for any conditions!   I loved these two tiny souls that I was fortunate enough to be blessed with.
This event, my standing up to the Nurses was significant to my Husband.  Perhaps some of the bottled up rage I was suppressing was dished out on those two unsuspecting medical professionals.   This story also kicked off some problems for me with my family.   My stepmother was quite incensed that I wouldn't have the tests.   She said I was being completely selfish.   That if the twins or one of the twins was NOT CONSIDERED 'NORMAL' I was imprisoning my daughter's life to looking after them.    That was a very dark day.

So, I did what I could to ensure two healthy babies, although I think ultimately that may be entirely out of my control.

So the twin pregnancy was hard work.  Raising the children, who were aged 3,  2 and two infants, was a baptism by fire.   To be honest, I believe I didn't have a full night sleep for 7 years.

But, that is nothing!

I think the lack of sleep plays into how both Symbol and my X Husband gained so much leverage over my mind.   It could also, very well explain how I was so docile.  You need energy to fight.  

I don't want any of my Treasured children to think they had anything to do with the problems between their father and me.   However, I believe the abuse was the worst, that the gradual build up over the years in our marriage.   The initial first arguments where he taught me my feelings have no value.   To the grand scale we were at this moment, where I am equal to the scum under the carper.   The abuse was just like an infection.   It was insidious, marking the darkest time shortly after the twins were born.

 I have tried to describe to you how his mental abuse was often launched in waves, or campaigns.

This period was about him showing me, how superior and invaluable he was.   Perhaps he felt a bit unimportant because I was all about the kids?
He would always tell me I had all day to play and watch whatever I wanted on TV.   {Which is a ludicrous statement.   Perhaps a man would watch adult TV with their children but I maintain any parent who cares about their kids, puts on kids TV!}   To say that I had all day to play was  a serious undermining of my belief in my role as Mother.
I can remember him making this point, he discussed this at length with my stepmother, who agreed that children would be best watched by a talented chimpanzee.   I was cooking the lunch and setting the table while they stood in the kitchen having this intellectual dialogue.   I felt so enraged, that what I was doing, precisely at that moment, was being described as a chore to be fobbed off on anybody, even a less than human being!
{I know anger was churning inside me as I called the children to the table and made sure they all had some tomato soup.   I remember that my son put his hand right into the bowl of soup, burning the palm of his hand!}   This is something special about my son.   Whenever I was wound up or emotionally in turmoil he always acted out!
So, I had 4 young children.  The twins had seperate feeds at night, and were completely different in nature too.   The youngest was a lark, he would go to bed at 6 pm and get up at 6 am.   His older brother wanted to stay up late and then sleep in.   My eldest was a busy girl, always busy, and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open during the day.

I remember, my X-Husband made a big song and dance about leaving work early so he could come home.   His idea of a contribution?   Was sitting out the back, smoking, drinking beer and reading the newspaper.   One of the afternoon's he graced us with him coming home, I took the three youngest and tried to get us all, to have a nap.   I was awoken to hear him giving our daughter an earful of trouble.   I walked out of the bedroom to find my Husband and daughter in the kitchen,  she had happily taken a family sized Baby Powder container and decorated the dinner area with a layer of white dots.   {I do so hope you are laughing, because it is quite a precious snapshot of any nearly 4 year old child}   Now, of course, this was all my fault!   She should not have had access to Baby Powder!   He shouts at me.   {This is so great, I really want to laugh as I remember this incident!} Honestly,  I think we were terribly lucky, as he really had no idea how to be responsible for looking  after a child.   I can just imagine this same day, what if our daughter had found a bottle of tablets, now the twins were delivered by cesarean section.   That means, heavy pain killers afterwards.   I mean, we were so lucky.

Okay, so I wasn't sleeping much at night, I never got a chance to take a catch up sleep during the day.   I was being told that my life was comfortable and easy, that I could do everything I wanted when I wanted and had no reason for complaining.   Well, to be honest, I was exhausted and felt overwhelmed with making school runs and Toddler groups.   I often found that I had to carry the elder of the twins, he was amazingly hungry, and carrying him on my forearm whilst rubbing his back was about the only thing that kept him from grumbling all day long.
 He started to settle when he moved onto mixed feeds. I can remember being so fatigued, one day, as I was folding the laundry and I lifted up this Tea towel.   I wondered if I put it over my head and closed my eyes, would anyone notice?
I did do this,   I remember my son, calling for me.   I could hear his voice as if coming from another galaxy.   I am feeling some sadness for him right now.  I wish I could have coped better for his sake.  I would have loved to give him more one to one time.   I really wanted that for him.
I had and do still have a bit of guilt over what happened during these agitated years.

So, my husband had started this line of abuse that went, "you should be grateful for the food I let you eat.   You should be grateful for the roof I put over your head.   You should be grateful that I let you stay here when you don't earn any money!"   {Before the twins were born, he came home from work and gave me an earful of, "You would be happy If I quit my job and we all lived on the Dole!"}  I am not entirely sure what I had done to set this off.  I might have asked why he was home after 8.30 pm.   Perhaps I said it would have been nice for him to put his kids to bed.   But I actually think he had been out with his friend down the Pub.   {Sometimes when I really look at his behaviour, I think he said the most contradicting things he could so as to project his own guilt and decent onto me}

During this time,  I would have coffee to stay awake.   Which, if you truly know me, you would know,  I love the smell of coffee but I am not keen on the taste and I hate the way it makes me feel.  But I needed it!   Then, I would drink a few Diet coke's, which, by the way, have the same amount of caffeine as coffee!   Then, all those stimulants would all build up and by Thursday I would need almost an entire bottle of wine to calm down enough to fall asleep, before the first feed!    {I had some health problems after having my babies that close.   I had severe tearing with the delivery of my eldest son.   So the muscles were compromised.   Then, there is the effect of all the caffeine I was drinking, and the weight gain from the pregnancies and I had weak pelvis muscles, so sneezing meant other complications}   I had to go the Hospital it was very inconvenient, but it helped me learn with a better diet and a few exercises I could get control of this.  
But, the toll of the routine was wearing on me too.   I would get the TV usually on a Thursday night, that was when I would splurge for my wine.  I remember, the TV show,  Desperate Housewives was just being aired.   I liked it at first and then, I started to see myself in the characters and couldn't watch it anymore.   It made me feel too much.  I didn't want to really face how out of my depth I was at times.

You know how I said, how lucky we were that my daughter never stumbled onto something dangerous?   Yes, I was lucky, because sometimes it would have been so easy for me to miss something.   My mind really wasn't able to focus.   {I can remember a research paper came out the year I had my daughter.   It proved that a woman's brain shrinks during the first year of her baby's life.   This is actually a very shrewd plan.  I mean, honestly, you can look after a baby and feel as if all you do is the same few tasks.  Feed the baby, change the baby, rock the baby, and repeat.}
But, I had this other burden, I had this husband who needed me to, {my guess at this moment is} praise him.  Because, his current line of attack,  during this period, was of, "You should be grateful to me everyday".  
In a very adult context, I now wonder if he wanted me to ingratiate myself to him, by giving him some one to one time.  
I would never have gone near him like that.   I still remember what he said to my stepmother when she came to see the twins.  I was nursing them and he turned to her and said, "disgusting breasts, like swollen balloons".  He said he was having a fun joke with her.  It just instilled with me a deeper sense of shame.

So, daily he would have to shout at me, after coming in the door.   His house wasn't run to his liking.  Then I was physically not to his liking.  

When I sat up on a Thursday I often considered finding a way out.   At that time, having the energy to pack a bag and walk out the front door for more than 15 minutes would have been too exhausting.   Also at that time, I just didn't consider walking out the door.  I wanted to keep my babies safe, warm and dry.   I had the most elevated duty, I had four beautiful children and I wanted only the best for them.   I wanted to ensure they had their basic needs met, to have clean clothes, enough food and a wonderful array of learning experiences.   I played different music for them.   I tried to read books and do puzzles.   Mostly I wanted them to know they were loved.   So I was doing all I could to keep their father erupting like some cruel  human volcano.   So I did  what I learned in childhood.   I dance on eggshells to keep him from being so unhappy.
Then he raised the bar.  
He told me I should worship at his feet that he let me live under his roof.  
So, I did.
 I got down and prostrated at his knees.  
It was wrong, I felt wrong doing it, and the look of disgust on his face made me hate myself even more!  
At night, I started to walk into the kitchen and look at the biggest knives we had.   I wondered if I could just take one and chop, hard and fast enough,  I could remove my left hand with one try?   Then, I thought, I might go the more traditional Japanese route.  At least with the stabbing and ripping upwards of the abdomen you wouldn't have to worry about trying to slice bone.  {I can grasp your shock, that this topic is quite horrific to discuss in such a manner.  However, I am just trying to help you get into my mind and the level of despair}   These thoughts were unrestrained and they plagued me.

I no longer had any reason to think good thoughts about myself.  

 What stopped me?   The thought that stopped me, was what would happen to my babies?    I would not allow them to hold any doubt in their minds, that my impoverished soul was anything to do with them.   I was truly worried, that if I committed suicide, they might be used against them!

It was not their fault.   I loved them,  they gave me joy and each day that I got to see their smiles was pure heaven.

So my mind went into overdrive, how do I stop living a life of quiet desperation?

It is my belief that This Campaign cycle didn't break for 8 months.   

Perhaps it was, that I finally became a bit stronger physically and started to go to the gym a few times a week.   That might have helped me feel more positive.
Then instead of thinking how to use steak knives to end my life, I started pondering how could I manage my four kids and a suitcase out the door.

The darkness came when he walked in the door.   It was cold, cutting and unforgiving.   It showed me that there was nothing I had, that could bring a sparkle to the gritty, thick tar it spewed to hold me in my place.   Whether, you want to call this a demon, or dharma, it was certainly there for me to learn that I had to stop taking it.   I had to live the way I believed, and what I wanted for my children and the way I hoped to raise them, was nothing like the consistent compromises I was making to keep him happy.    The darkness had been in my mind.   The darkness had been in my heart.   I couldn't see the light for all that was about me.  I didn't really see it at that time, but I could be often found standing at the sink washing dishes and breaking my heart.

Sometimes I would just have to curl up on the floor because I couldn't stop crying.  
My daughter would turn to me on the day that I actually threw some belongings in black bags and took all four of my beautiful, priceless children and ran to the safety of a Women's Aid Shelter.   On that day, She would say to me."Mom, it will be good not to see you cry."

The Woman I was

Back in the late eighties,

BKS Iyengar came to America.  He was to teach for two weeks in San Diego, California.   I was teaching several Yoga classes a week and used his book Light on Yoga as the source for my class material.  So, to go, and learn from the man who had been declared Master at the age of 24!   Was a must!

Yoga was a profound tool I discovered through my first dance teacher in High School.  Back in those days I did Yoga daily.   Sometimes several times a day.  I also practiced regular Chi kung and I still had some Ballet classes.  But teaching was who I was.   I had a great joy for what I did and a beautiful circle of friends.

In those days, I worked in a Nursing Home through the night and taught my classes daytime and evening.   On the walk home from work, I would go through a golf course.   Now I stuck to the edges, because I know those of you out there who love your golf would hate to hear that someone was hugging trees there!
I taught most of my classes in a studio that I shared with a man who taught Pa Kua chuan and Tai chi chuan.   I  had been studying Tai Chi chuan with Mr Utt for more than 5 years.   My Instructor had just started teaching us the 5 Animal Frolic.  This was considered a Chi Kung exercise and had a series of motions based on each animal [Bear, Tiger, Deer, Monkey & Crane] and then a chi kung form that lasted about 30 minutes.  From doing this I discovered that I felt aligned with a deer spirit.  So, on those precious quiet mornings, I would prance along the edge of the golf course imitating a deer.

To be honest, it was kinda fun!   I loved the movements and there was that little thrill of, what if someone sees me?   How would I explain it?

Going to the San Diego Iyengar Yoga conference seemed quite an impossible task, but I had a joy filled and hopeful heart.  I had to save up money to fly to California and pay for the course, I also needed to request the time off work.  I had to inform my students that I wouldn't be available to teach for a week, too.   But, even with all these very adult things I had to arrange for myself, it all fell in place.  I flew out to San Diego, I took the bus to the city and found the Youth Hostile and got my room.   I loved California.      The Sun was up before six in the morning, my room had a window that opened out over the roof of the building.  So I went out a did a little warm up before seeking the conference center where the seminar was taking place.   I was so excited, I could have floated on air!

In those days, I practiced daily meditation.   I discovered a man who recorded meditation series and mystical lectures on tapes and I owned several of his programs.  Meditation was a great window into a world I believed was more important the one I walk through.
I remember his discussion on spirits and ghosts.  He said that Earthbound spirits could often be found at Bars.  They would often wait for the opening when one unsuspecting soul would lose enough control for them to take over!   {I had often thought the alcoholic's excuse, of amnesia quite lame, but there might be something more to it}
I also remember a meditation that took you through the veil of life and death.   The first time I listened to this tape, I had one of those visions, that was crystal clear.   It was set in the 1800's and a man was saddling and mounting his horse to leave for war.   There were three characters,  the man, the horse and his wife.   I wasn't totally clear on if I was the man, the horse, or the wife!   However, the clarity of it was so sharp and strong that I have never forgotten it.   Not all meditation was like that for me.  Mostly I am aware that I am controlling what I see and create in my mind.  
Are you getting a picture of how I liked to always be learning and growing, as a Yogini and as a spiritual  being?   I was always curious about what is beyond our comprehension, spiritual studies and our purpose in this existence.

Once a week I treated myself to a Taco Salad from Taco Bell.   I would rent videos from the Library and didn't watch regular TV, or read newspapers.   I started collecting crystals back then.  I would just love the color or shape and buy them.   I had a little table, it was only 14" in length and width.  Also, I would hang my prisms in the window so they would create rainbows.   It was be nearly two decades before I would find out that there were ways to use crystals to facilitate healing.

During one of my daily meditation practices, I felt the presence of my Grandmother.   We always called her Granny.   I was in that lovely between full consciousness and light sleep state and I could just feel her.    When I was very young she was really more like a mother to me.  We had been very close for a great number of years.   After my parents separated, she came one Saturday to take me for our day out together.  As we headed off, she started talking about when she died.

Actually, she was trying to inform me that I would have some money when she passed.   I started to cry really hard, I didn't want her money, I loved her.   I am sure she knows now, but the last six months before she passed I visited her briefly.  I was there with my then steady boyfriend, you know as Symbol.   I remember he had nothing nice to say about my Granny.   I don't remember really taking it in, I also didn't tell him off for talking about the woman who was there for me when no one else could be.  {Which now, I wish I had told him, she meant everything to me and if he couldn't say anything nice, he could walk back to the college!}   I wonder if she was worried about me then.  Because it couldn't have been the way she would have hoped I turn out.   I think that might have been the summer Symbol convinced me to shave my head.   {That didn't go over well anywhere!}

I remember the week after she passed, I received a letter from her, she had sent me a $10 bill in the post.   Just because she wanted to help me make ends meet.  I think the last time we spoke I was shockingly rude to her.   So, there was something I wanted to make sure she knew . . .

So this afternoon was a good year after she had passed.  Although I didn't see her face I just felt her love and I felt as if she was saying good bye.   I also felt as if I got the chance to hug her one last time and say I love you.   I know she had really wanted to see me get married.  I am so glad that it was never on the cards that she see me marry Symbol!

At that time, a normal day for me would be to get up and exercise.  I had a cat in those days which I would take care of.  I would read or make something.   I used to love these Liquid Vinyl tubes, you could make t-shirts with and sometimes a Christmas sweatshirt.   If I was working on a project like that it would take up the entire front room.  These projects could keep me up until the wee hours of the night.

If I didn't have a project, I would often put on music and dance.  That was pretty typical routine for me.

These were the years between Symbol and my X Husband.  During this time my Father often expressed his concern that I was anorexic.   As if!   I was never that skinny!  But, more to the point, was my mental state after that relationship.   I often made these self depreciating remarks about my size that were probably learned.  I am sure, some of these put downs were truly mine:-  some were learned from my mother & sister, some from my dancer friends and some from that relationship.   But I was in that category that all fitness coaches and trainers should watch out for, that being the person in the gym all the time.   So, I can own the fact that I get quite obsessed about finishing a job.   But I also know, that if one wants to achieve exceptionable skills, you have to be willing to put in the effort.  

I have had many profound realizations in these six years since I left my Husband. 

1) that by accepting his abuse I also became party to some lies he told. 

2) that by not speaking up or standing up for myself, I allowed a wedge to be built between myself and those that I held dear.   

3) that in the years since I left him, I have rediscovered the woman I was when we met.  I am recognizing that he shamed who I was, and yet that woman, was who he was attracted too!  

I have had to accept, that perhaps my believing in deer spirits and angels are considered thoughts of  a teenage girl.   But I prefer them to the perspective he tried to teach me.  That being a world of fear, deception and punishment.

I would rather live with false hopes of love and light {Unicorn & Rainbows} than believing in certain darkness.

Campaigns and Head games

It was the summer before 

I finally stopped the progressive, downward, WALKED ALL OVER, erosion of my personality and stood up for myself and ran out on my  marriage.

This summer, the grandparents wanted to take our eldest two children to Disney World. Florida.   That meant that my husband and I had only two children to look after, plus my mother's wonderful Australian Terrier.  This time,  It should have been a gift, a time for the two older children to get some new experiences.   Also a time for us to just be with the twins, a good chance to have a bit less work and even a time for relaxing.  But there was an evening that would signal the end, as my Husband was on edge, like a rabid woman experiencing PMT.

We were staying in luxury at my Mother's vacation apartment.   This is in a South Carolina city which is a wonderful playground with almost any amusement you can imagine.   It  has a major road only a few blocks from the ocean.   This road is about 8 lanes for the cars, strip malls on the roadside and many billboards to inform visitors of the shows and various water parks or restaurants nearby.  There are many condominiums and my mother's building looks quite similar to one just a few blocks away, so it is a developed and busy area.   However, on the roadside, in the midst of all this modern development is one small house.  I always noticed this one house, it always draws me, I stare at every time I drive by it.      It is fair to say, I was curious perhaps propelled to that house.   This house has a business sign on the front that reads Spiritual Advisory and Life Coach.   I wondered if there might be an answer there.
I took the opportunity to actually go there!   The atmosphere between my husband and I was very strained.  {Now, I can see, he must have felt he was loosing control and that may have been what was eating away him}
So, I walked the dog down to this little house and knocked on the door.  Inside was an elderly man on the phone.  He came to the door, and let me in. He took me to a small room on the side of the lounge.  I liked this room, there was a statue of Jesus near the table, a bible was on the table near the Tarot deck.  I had spent a number of years reading the Bible everyday, and praying had been an activity I did several times daily.  My Mother and I once celebrated Lent by having a day to pray for all the members of the family.
It is easy for me to imagine you  criticizing my going to knock on a Psychic's door.  I can see how, someone can take advantage of another, especially when they feel that their situation is desperate,  just like I did.
That day I met Leo.   Leo, asked me to shuffle cards and then he did a reading of the cards.   He told me I had good ideas.   He told me he could see that alcohol was involved with the problems I was having.     He told me, that I didn't really know who I was.   He then told me that I was loved by Jesus and not to worry.   I told him how difficult I was finding my life with my husband.  He shared with me that he and his wife had 5 kids.   He also said his wife was a beautiful woman.   He also told me, how he had once lived in the Bar and when his beautiful wife threatened to leave he turned it all around.   He advised me to go back and give my marriage another chance.   So I walked back to the apartment.

Now, I might have been a way an hour?  Two hours?   I am not sure.  I wasn't worried, I didn't consider the time an issue.  The twins were in bed, my spouse would be on the balcony smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.   The joy I had in hearing a few nice things about myself and sharing stories with someone who listened, had perhaps made me forget, that being away from the House, was not acceptable.

BECAUSE believe you me, if I took so much as an extra 10 seconds at the shop near our home, my spouse would give me endless grief.  

So I had forgotten my place.

Now, after having kids, your social circle can get quite small.  Sometimes you can feel quite isolated when you are home with a young baby.   After my first child I went to a Breast feeding support group at the Hospital.  There I made a group of friends who have become life long friends and my fortress for sanity.   Back then, in those early days when our first born were infants, we would see each other every week, for tea and chat about how the babies were growing, etc.    In time, our lives changed.   Some of us moved out of the city and to quieter homes around Glasgow.   I went back to full time work when my daughter was 11 weeks.   There were more changes, and most of us had two children.
After my twins were born, I would be graciously offered an opportunity to catch up with them.   But to do this so we could really talk,  meant a night out.  Now,  I could get one, if he had nothing on and if I only asked for one that year.   But, The Real problems started when I came home.   Often it would be the next two months I would be paying for being so selfish.   One of my spouse's campaigns was, my 'ridiculous notion', that I could leave the house.  If I wanted to leave the house for a walk with a friend on a Sunday afternoon, he would forbid it, sighting the fact that I had four children.


So, that evening, when I returned to the apartment with my mother's dog, I was in a happy, calm place in my mind and  ready to compromise.   I gave the dog some water and looked in on the twins.  {As a parent, there is very little joy like seeing your child sleeping, they are just like Angels}   I found my spouse out on the balcony.  It is quite nice out there, you are high enough to have a good view of the shoreline.   In July, in the USA, people set off fireworks regularly.  But this balcony view is the best on the 4th of July, as you can see two local Fireworks displays, as well as, all those fireworks set off by visiting holiday makers down for the weekend!
But all was quiet as I came onto the balcony.  My happiness and willingness to forgive and work with this individual was shredded by the behaviour he exhibited next.  My Husband's personality was altered.   I was used to seeing him drunk, but this was different.  He seemed to me, to be on drugs.   He couldn't accept that I had taken the dog for a walk.   He accused me of having a lover.   Then he launched into me.

Although, this Blog is really about my realization that my Husband was never going to be nice to me, in any future moment.   It's named after how I describe the mental abuse & emotional abuse patterning in my marriage.  My counselor through the Women's Aid, told me that abuse tends to have a cycle.  So there would be quiet times.  Even years at times.  I knew when he was about to explode, but this night his behaviour was so very strange.  I think,  he might have had some extra assistance from a dark spirit.   He was more like Symbol than I ever saw, but even saying that, he wanted me squashed right down.

My former Spouse, had a way of beating me down, mentally.   The best way for me to explain this to you, is he played head games and would escalate his language over a period of time and I refer to these as his campaigns.   Simple examples of what I am trying to convey is, one started out with comments of,"you don't know what you are talking about."    This advances to, "Are you off your trolley?"   Then to "you are mentally unstable."   Then to the last and final insults, were I was told repeatedly, "You are crazy!"   Now,  taking punches, or having your wrist twisted behind your back, hurt.  But having your ability to think and reason clearly belittled, or even constantly eroded, doesn't just hurt, it takes great effort to NOT allow it to hurt you, forever.
We eventually moved into the apartment, were he continued his aggressive questioning about where I was.   What I couldn't understand;- He would go for a jog in the morning, sometimes it took him 40 minutes, and I was trying to get my fitness back so I would go for a jog on the beach and sometimes be back in over an hour.   Then, when my mother and I would go for a stroll with her dog we would walk to the far end of the shoreline and that must have been an hour and half walk.   He was accusing me of having gone somewhere for sex.  I was stunned.  

What?   I just, could not believe he thought for one second, that I had walked out the door and found someone and {this is vulgar, so pardon my language} shagged them in a dark corridor somewhere?   Yuck. 

That night, was the escalation from my being mentally unstable, to CRAZY.   My Husband didn't stop with it being his opinion, he told me, Your Father thinks your crazy.   He brought in every family member, and told me, they all thought I was crazy.
Then, we are in the back corner of the apartment near where the bedroom the twins are sleeping in.  He did something really strange, he punched the wall in front of my face.  Now, it would be years before I would understand that this type of 'non' contact violence, was still traumatic and threatening.
I am not sure how long we 'argued'.   What I do know is that I felt completely torn up by it.   I am not sure, how to express to you how altered a different this fight was.   I wasn't even sure why I felt so bruised in the morning.  Was it because I was on quite a lovely high from my time with Leo, or just that he was like a demon in a 'my husband' suit.
The next day, I had a chance to speak to my Mother and asked her, 'do you think I am crazy?'  It would be another day before I could ask my Father.  But the wounds that night were deep, and the words he lashed me with that night would sting for months.   {To be honest, it sometimes still rears it's Ugly head, but I am learning to love myself, warts and all!}    My husband also had a wound from that night,  he had about 4 inches of bruising on his arm between the wrist and elbow.   I believe he must have damaged himself when he punched the wall.   When asked by my parents he claimed no knowledge of how it could have happened.
The minute I could, I went back to Leo, the Spiritual Advisory and cried my heart out.   How could I make the marriage work?   It would be me, doing everything and he would still be unhappy and mean!
This time Leo told me about the cards he held back yesterday.  He also said, the earrings I was wearing that day were cursed.  He removed the curse using prayer and said he would help me.


Now, to be honest with you, it took me a few years after leaving my x husband to understand what mental abuse is.   But there are a few things I see clearly, one is how he was placing a wedge between me and my parents.  There is another aspect to abuse, one which is very subtle.  It is the taking of another's energy and robbing them of any power. 
  I believe this is done sometimes without a conscious Metaphysical training.  By that, I mean an understanding of the Human Energy system and how to tap into another's.   I did date a man who told me he was a hybrid vampire.   Now, he would always push my buttons and I think that is part of the technique.  The person taking the energy, gets their 'victim' in a highly emotional state.  
So now you have to think, do you know anyone who always seems to make you feel annoyed or causes arguments?   This person might be stirring the cauldron just to take that from you.  I do want to explore these Mystical topics in depth and promise to write a Blog with just that purpose.

Just to close this chapter, there was a line crossed that night.   I think he must have known I was looking for a way out.   Perhaps, part of the confidence I was showing, now that I was working a little and taking care of myself, really threatened him.
It baffled me,  because I was not looking for others to 'get off with'.   I was more than content to stay married to the father of my children.  But I did wish to grow and be a complete person.  

Even odder, when I think about who I was, when I met him.  In those days, I taught Ballet and Modern dance to young girls, I had several Yoga classes each week.  So I spent my time talking to others in leotards and tights.   Maybe the thought of my getting it together enough to be like I was in my late 20's was terrifying to him.
I am trying to see with compassion what must have driven him to behave in such a profound and  cruel manner.   What I understand to be true, is the more he oppressed me, part of me complied and believed, while my soul dwindled.  

That is the hint:-  To you,  one of the staggering truths I learned, as many as 3 out of 5 women are abused.   I was told by my couselor, to tell others of my journey.   Often I would hear, my sister suffered through that, or my mother, or even, and sadder they would respond with, "I was abused too."     If your sister, brother, mother lose that twinkle in their eyes, there is something in their life causing their soul to be slowly extinguished.

The Pain Swap

I have to tell you!

It hasn't been easy.   I have to tell you, it was hard!   

Sometimes the physical pain was so great, it was all I could do to get some relief from it!

Sometimes I wondered if I would ever get out of the dark woods, and stop living right at the edge of life.   By that I mean, I was circling the drain, just going through the motions and most days, running back to the house to hide from the world.

It ALL just got on top of me.        I wish I could pin point the start. 

 I dislocated my knee, that didn't stop me.   
Then I tore my medial ligament, same knee as before!   That clipped my wings but I never let it make me stop.  
Then, I was given an appointment with a joint specialist in America, who offered a knee brace, but my body weight was creeping up. And with me, the more I weigh the less confident I feel.  


My friend turned to me and said, "You really aren't attractive anymore".  It hurt, but, I no longer could wear heels, and I didn't have clothes that made me feel attractive.   Then I dated a younger man for a while.  But he liked big, curvy women and would bring me chocolate at every meeting.  I got bigger.  

Then he dumped me by text on New Year's Eve.   He said I was the most self centred person he know.   That hurt.

My precious and precocious daughter, was diagnosed with type one Diabetes during the Holiday period.  When I came home from the hospital, I took all the Christmas decorations and threw them out.   As my 11 year old daughter asked me,"Why Mom?  Is God punishing me?  Did I do something wrong?"    I told her of course not.   But then when I was alone, doing a work out DVD, I started to beg God.  "Please let me have the Diabetes and not her."  Then I tried to bargain, then I asked, "Have I done something wrong?"  


For six weeks after my daughter was diagnosed I didn't leave the house.   I was afraid she would be rushed back into hospital, I didn't want to miss any sign this time.  Because I felt so guilty for missing the signs the first time!
My Lecturer from the college rang.   
A good friend came by and took me to visit another friend.  
It took those people reaching out to me, and

 just

trying 

to 

breath, 

but I eventually got up.   I started to take driving lessons.   My daughter would now have regular clinic appointments and medical checks.   So by Friday the 13th of June I had a driver's license.   That was a very good day!


I started to work more,  I seemed to walk a lot less.  I could take the kids to the cinema, I could get them a fancy meal without having to pay for a taxi too.
Then, there were more injuries.   I had shin splints and then, the person who once called me his Best friend, stopped talking to me.   In fact, he said he could no longer take texts at work.  And for two months, as we worked side by side, he continued to give me the cold shoulder.  I was in a deep freeze.   I tried harder to worked more diligently so that he would feel less stressed.  BUT Night after night, after putting the kids in bed, I would cry.  I could not figure out,'What had I done to alienate him?'


This particular friend, this man, I had REALLY opened up too.   I told him, after I left my husband, I felt as if every aspect of my personality had been judged and found lacking.   I told him how important he was to me.   Our relationship changed.  He had started flirting with me, and I enjoyed having this wonderful attention to no end.   


I had two short affairs after I left my spouse due to domestic abuse.   So, the friendship & work partnership had become the bright centre of my world.  A world that was being drawn back into the shroud of darkness.      So, this pain, did stop me.


Then came, Plantar Fasciitis.  This painful condition started as a feeling of scratching on my left heel and developed until I couldn't take a step without pain.   So, I was barely walking, even in my fitness clubs.


These are the days and nights, I decide it is better to just stay in.  Get in, as quickly as possible, return to the safety of my home and the pleasure of my own company.   I am safe on my own.   Also, for the first time in my life, I am happy being alone.   I miss the kids when they go to their father's, and sometimes they come back they need to hugged and loved up in the worst way.

Before this streak of lower joint problems, I would spend the time, the days and hours the kids were away, involved with taekwon - do.   It gave me a productive focus and there was a core group, a 'family' as it were, to be supported by.   I was still active with my clubs, but I was losing much of the good ground that I had gained in the preparation for my Black Belt.   This was frustrating and yet I nurtured myself with comfort food.
I had this attachment to the clubs, to the family and friends I had there, unwittingly I sought emotional nutrition there.   It is quite a obtuse mental leap, that I would pursue one goal only to realize that I had created a negative driving force.  
The study of martial arts is brilliant, it can strengthen your body, help you to stand taller and be more confident and comfortable in your own skin.  
Sometimes I think, my experience with Connie made me want to be a strong fighter.  I know, how I loved watching Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy the Vampire slayer, she made being a 'girly' woman and a fighter look possible.   {Even though my daughter was younger than the recommended viewing age, I liked her watching this show.}   She wasn't the first female action hero.  Lindsay Wagner and Lynda Carter both had set the stage for this new genre.  But, Buffy had to fight in a serious and hand to hand context.  {There is this one episode, where she fights a Vampire who had taekwon - do training!}
I sometimes think, I am not what people image a Martial artist to be, but I also know, that I have good ways of sharing the knowledge I have gained.

But these past few years have been tough.  There has been plenty of pain, physical, emotional and generous amounts of guilt!   

Now, I feel I am in such a state physically, when I really see myself, I am so disappointed with myself.   But, I must have hope and faith that I can turn this around!   If I stay injury free, but also, I have to get out of this dreadful downward spiral, that has been my comfort zone.

This is the phase of my life I have called the Pain Swap.

I am avoiding the pain of relationships.  Mostly I run from men, because I am not at all interested in MORE of what has happened before.   {That is why being overweight is comforting, I don't think big is beautiful and therefore, the puffiness of my flesh is a shield.   Does that strike you as a bit crazy?   I love fitness, and yet I have chosen to become fat?}  From the first man in my life, my father, to the most recent, which could only be described as relationship based on my idol worship and deep emotional attachment, but there was self sacrifice and bullying in each and every relationship.
So, I swapped the pain of loneliness for the possible pain from a new relationship.   But I also had a great deal of physical pain.   There were years that I lived on anti-inflammatory tablets and would come home after training, to put my knee up and ice it.  So there was also a real physical reason for not wanting to cross the threshold of my home.  


My mother has a favourite Radio Psychologist Personality, Dr Ruth. One of Dr Ruth's saying is, "Just because you went in the woods and was chased by a Bear, doesn't mean you should never walk in the woods again"    I get it.   
But, it is not just my own cracked and jaded heart, that I protect.   I have my children to think about.   I will never forget my daughter asking me to promise, if I ever dated anyone she didn't like, I would dump him.  Done sweetheart!
I also need that friend, to stand before me and tell me again,'you are ugly now.'
Because now, I am divorced and have been on my own for 4 years.  I am afraid I could just stay here.   Be content to help others, watch my kids grow up and get progressively bigger.   The weight keeps me from feeling comfortable in my own skin.  It has begun to effect my ability to really enjoy taekwon-do, parents' night, or any social event!   I have been injury free now for 6 months!   That is a big deal.  I have started to create my personal training programme.  But the pattern of sitting in, and choosing the wrong foods is ingrained now, it is the familiar and easy choice.
So, I have to take some risks,  I have to try to walk in the woods again.
Perhaps, as Dr Ruth says, this time I will meet a deer.