Isolation

Although we Human Beings have many unique likes and quirks, we are sociable creatures.   We like company, as a generalization.   I have a sibling who likes nothing more than the comfort of quiet and solitude.   

It has been my experience that isolation has been used as means of control by more than one of my abusers.

There can be nothing as difficult for a person as being forced into isolation.

Solitary confinement is an old form of punishment and even today, in the quiet culture of the Amish, they use 'shunning'.   To be ignored, not even acknowledged is still so hard for a person, to live without the warmth of companionship.


I can still remember the day I was made to 'stand in the corner' at Kindergarten.   I was being punished for trying to hide the crusts of my tuna sandwich.  {I wasn't very clever, I had just tried to make it look as if I had eaten them by chucking them under the table.}   It is a shame, as now I eat the crust, but back then, I found the tuna dry and chewy.   I did not enjoy the experience of being put in the corner.  The punishment really worked for me.   I could not see what my friends were doing, I could hear their happy noise and it did make me feel outcast.   Even this, just facing away, and not being allowed to see anything was hard.

So, if you want to give another a jolt and rattle their cage, find a way to isolate them from others.

One of the very difficult time for a modern woman, is after the birth of her child.  A Western, Modern woman,  may have had a big social circle, through work, perhaps friends at social clubs or a gym.   During the day, a new mother can feel that isolated, as most of the people, including the father of the child is working during the day.   I was in my 30's before I had my first child.   I was used to getting up before work, exercising, putting on a load of wash, going to work, going to the gym, making dinner.   The upheaval of an infant was not what I expected.   Yeah, I had the whole, sitting in the lounge looking at the clock and wondering where the day had gone.   All I had accomplished was feeding the baby, I was still in my pajamas.   I even remember the morning the Health Visitor came and she got me a glass of water!

You need good friends.   At every stage of life, it is so important to get a chance to meet up with people who support you and listen to the challenges you are facing without judgment.

During that time of being a first time Mom,  I was fortunate to make a weekly commitment to a Breastfeeding support group.   In that weekly meeting I met some of the Best friends and supporters ever!

These women helped me endlessly over these many years.   The various challenges of raising children and life, have been discussed, shared and made easier to bare by our friendship.   Without them, I may have felt more shipwrecked than ever, when I took the chance and left my Husband.


Taking you back, to my former relationship, the young man I call Symbol.   One of the ways he kept me so controlled was Isolation.   Now,  I had this landline phone, this was back in the days before mobile phones, you see.    So, the phone socket was for one of these that should be set on the wall, and the type of  phone I had was one that needed to sit, so the handset was in the cradle.   So the phone couldn't be hung and the safest place for it was often in the drawer below the counter in the kitchen.   As the kitchen counter space was very small, the phone lived in the drawer more and more. 

There came a point, where I would find that the cord had actually been unplugged and put in the drawer with the phone.  I remember asking him, 'Why?'    And it is quite funny now, as I can hear both Symbol and my Ex Husband really using this same excuse.   I don't like to answer calls from salespeople.   I can get that.   But what was happening was, days or even a week would go by before I might think, the phone hasn't rung.   This kept me in his 'bubble',  I was unable to hear or get a message to the Larger world.  

Now as great as any relationship is;- it is always so important to keep a balance of time with friends.   It is a common Rookie mistake, to devote all your time to your Loved One and lose sight of those people who can help you and support you in other, still valuable ways.

I am completely aware, that there was a point where Symbol started to shrink my social world.   I like people.   I like people who are different from me.   I like people who have lived their lives in different countries.   I like to hear their stories and learn from them.    I used to enjoy conversation and dare I say it, a bit of banter and flirting.  {Are you shocked?}   He would say that my friend didn't really liked me and he had heard her speak badly about me behind my back.   He would demand a lot of attention and make it difficult for me to meet friends for an evening out.

This was also true with my Ex Husband.   It is obvious that I was trying my best to show my devotion and loyalty.   But I will never forget the day that my Mother-in-law asked me, 'why I changed our number to a ex directory'.   I didn't know what to say, except the truth,  I didn't change our number.   I wasn't consulted on this decision.   But that he should decide we needed unilateral division from the outside and forget to mention a phone number change to his mother?   {How do you answer that one?}            


When you are living in this type of relationship, it can be so hard to see these small devices your partner might use to keep you in check, as it were.   It is a bit more difficult today, as we have our mobile phones and social media.   Yet, you do hear of partners who 'Block' certain people from their partners Social media.   You would have to know what to look for, but it can be done without your knowledge.   So, Isolation can be used to keep you surrounded by their devices and energy.   This makes it easier for a Abuser/Bully to keep feeding you certain thoughts.   Even keep you feeling doubtful about a friend!

One of the lessons I feel I am having to face is, that Love is not outside of me.

That the Love and Devotion and Loyalty I poured into these and other relationships, did me a disservice.  

You may have heard this clique, Before you can Love another you need to Love yourself.

My feelings about this statement is that it is founded in great truth.

It is not about how much Love, Warmth & gifts you can shower on the Person of your affection.   It is about keeping a balance on the Love & Devotion you have to Your Soul's purpose and nurture that.   Through this self loving action you allow others to enjoy and love you more.     This isn't an easy task.   I was brought up to believe we must give and not be selfishly motivated.   Yet, If I don't take care of myself and give and give and give, my world suffers. 

So

  Love Yourself,  

 keep yourself surrounded by by people who bring Joy to your heart.

 

 

And may you be blessed through reading this.

Another View

At the end of December 2012, Braco graciously offered his gift of 'the Gaze' to us from Miami, USA.

This was a highly stressed time for me.

There were burst pipes in my bathroom which was causing water to leak into the kitchen.    I was very uncomfortable with this situation, and I always think how the kitchen is the heart of the home.   I was discouraged by the consistent lack of support from my Landlord as he looked at it and declared he didn't have time for it.   He would be back from his Holiday on the 6th of January.   Great!  Enjoy your family and your children, but,  what about mine?

So, I had some very sad and angry feelings.

I also had to find ways to bathe myself and my children so no further damage would be caused.   That gives you an idea where I was in my inner world.

I managed to get a few streams of Braco's Gaze booked, however, I had some real financial shortfalls, and wanting to give my childlren some kind of Christmas in the mess of the house we were in, was a real dilemma.    So I booked just the few, which was hard, because I  know from past experience that the energy builds.

This Blog isn't so much about Braco and his Gaze, as I have written a couple on him.   This my experience and testimony to do with, the On Line Community.

There is also another and even more unquantifiable cohesion that happens when being part of the online stream community.

Let me explain;-

My first Gaze session was in May 2012.   So, I am not as long in the tooth with the online Gaze as some.   But I have been part of this community long enough to recognize some peoples 'handles' to use the old fashioned radio terminology.   I see log in names, and I know I want to hear how they are, how their lives and challenges may be shaping up.

When I logged in, the first time, I chatted and tried to make a connection.   Now, during the forward to the actual Gaze stream, the chat dialogue will be disconnected.   Initially, I was grumpy about them cutting off my attempts to meet others who were logged in.   It didn't take me long to realize how important, the chat is & also, how important it is that we focus on the prelude to the Gaze and not chattering away.

Braco's Gaze is extremely unique, powerful and impacts each individual in an amazing spectrum of ways.

I can only tell you about my experiences.   The Gaze holds for each individual, Love, Light & Blessed assistance.

Then, another time, in the chat was a parent who was very worried about their teenage child.   And it happens, from time to time, there are those of us, who are fairly content that we are blessed and will offer to hold the intention of sending the Love & Light that comes from Braco for another.

This has happened several times.   And the chat dialogue is not always moving at the rate you are seeing a request and answering.   Sometimes it is, just like the 'collective unconsciousness'  says, I will hold your loved in the Gaze.   And you will see, in the chat dialogue box, six people say it within less than a heartbeats timing.

Now, one wonderful call for assistance came from one of the online users.   This person was worried about their health and was in crisis.   I asked them, 'May I hold you in the Gaze?'   The reply was Yes.   So, during that stream of the Gaze, I held an individual, I have never met, I had no idea what they look like, but yet I had this sense of connection to them.   Even more amazingly, was after the Gaze session.   This user replied to me, "I felt you in my heart!"

That was quite staggering and awe inspiring to me.

As I know for a fact, I had done nothing but focus my mind to bless another.   I know, any healing or energy felt by that person, was not from me, but rather like a mirror or a prism, reflecting the sun, I was able to offer blessing to another.
I know this because I have been working with subtle energies for sometime.   For some people, they may not be sure what I mean by that statement.   I started practicing Yoga as a teenager.   The physical practice of theYogic asana's teach us in understanding and aligning our chakra's.    These refer to energy centre's in the body.   In college I learned Tai Chi Chuan.   A practice for health, it is to me,  like dancing yoga.   But, Chi, is the word for sublime energy.    When practiced for a long time, you can manipulate your energy, but mostly this is used to strengthen oneself.    Sometimes a practitioner of acupuncture will say they add their Chi, again like a blessing to boost the treatment.

So, when I started working with the Reiki, I found that all my previous study;- Yoga, Tai Chi Chuan  & Chi Kung made my use of the techniques simple.   I could add the Reiki into my physical work, my daily Chi Kung practice and understanding of chakra's, meditation & the Chinese energy system all fell into place.

That is a very tiny nutshell of some larger topics.   I just want you to be able to grasp my meaning of subtle energy.

Now, I can tell you more about this recent Gaze session.

I am in my own little crisis with my house & the Landlord.   I am wanting to give my children a lovely, Christmas!   I have concerns about money and I am trying to get the energy I need, to feel good and peaceful at this time.   I mentioned in the chat room that I was struggling to join all the Gaze's I would like.   Then a beautiful soul paid for me to have the extra streams that I couldn't afford.   This community becomes more like family to me every time I log on!   It was a huge gift for me.   A much needed affirmation that I can be worthy of love & support.

Now, these Gaze session's are not vastly expensive.   There is a reason, even as a Reiki therapist we know we have to charge a fee, {the founder of Usui Reiki, discovered that people did not heal if they did not pay} or ensure an exchange of energy.   This time, it could be, I send you Reiki Healing and you paint my fence.   That is what is meant by 'exchange'.    Though, I feel Braco could charge more for the sessions, I am grateful they are not expensive.   I am grateful for the community I have found with the online members.    I am grateful to have received the blessing of those sessions I couldn't pay for this December.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now, as the final sessions of the Miami 2012 were approaching, there was a thought dawning in my mind.   A user had written a post along the lines of, "it is great that we ask for Our Greatest and Highest Good be brought to us in this Gaze, but what about the Earth?"   This post did cause some discussion.   Because without the Earth functioning, we do not have all the things we need to be happy!   So it is of tremendous importance that the Earth that we walk upon is healthy!

Knowing that when the online community works to bless another, there is a powerful boost for them.   But I know this, in the way that I 'feel' it.   The way the other on line user felt me in their heart.   I also know, that Braco says, within 'The Voice' healing session, that we are Sparks for each other.   That is we hold within our hearts and minds send the healing love & light to another, it will be magnified!   So, I suggested, can we hold the Earth in our hearts for the Voice session?

Just as I hesitantly posted my suggestion, another came forward asking for assistance in physical healing.

So, that session, during the Gaze I held her in my heart.

Now, I had this vision, like when I meditate, I saw this individual being brought toward a crystal light beams of energy. The energy surrounded and encased her, like a divine white blanket.   She disappeared in the light.

This was the first time I had a vision during the Gaze.   I have had my mind wander and been fortunate to be engulfed by the light myself.  

But when I returned to the chat room, one of the online users, who has been Gazing longer than myself, said, "I just witnessed a healing."

It was then I realized what my vision had been about.    I had to then inform him, he wasn't alone.

Now, you could say there was perhaps a suggestion implanted in my subconscious that created this vision.

That is entirely possible.

But, hold your skepticism,  I ask you, until you have Gazed yourself.

May you be blessed by reading this.

Peace, Love & Light and many Blessings for 2013!

Another View

At the end of December 2012, Braco graciously offered his gift of 'the Gaze' to us from Miami, USA.

This was a highly stressed time for me.  

There were burst pipes in my bathroom which was causing water to leak into the kitchen.    I was very uncomfortable with this situation, and I always think how the kitchen is the heart of the home.   I was discouraged by the consistent lack of support from my Landlord as he looked at it and declared he didn't have time for it.   He would be back from his Holiday on the 6th of January.   Great!  Enjoy your family and your children, but,  what about mine?

So, I had some very sad and angry feelings.

I also had to find ways to bathe myself and my children so no further damage would be caused.   That gives you an idea where I was in my inner world.

I managed to get a few streams of Braco's Gaze booked, however, I had some real financial shortfalls, and wanting to give my childlren some kind of Christmas in the mess of the house we were in, was a real dilemma.    So I booked just the few, which was hard, because I  know from past experience that the energy builds.

This Blog isn't so much about Braco and his Gaze, as I have written a couple on him.   This my experience and testimony to do with, the On Line Community.  

There is also another and even more unquantifiable cohesion that happens when being part of the online stream community.

Let me explain;-

My first Gaze session was in May 2012.   So, I am not as long in the tooth with the online Gaze as some.   But I have been part of this community long enough to recognize some peoples 'handles' to use the old fashioned radio terminology.   I see log in names, and I know I want to hear how they are, how their lives and challenges may be shaping up.  

When I logged in, the first time, I chatted and tried to make a connection.   Now, during the forward to the actual Gaze stream, the chat dialogue will be disconnected.   Initially, I was grumpy about them cutting off my attempts to meet others who were logged in.   It didn't take me long to realize how important, the chat is & also, how important it is that we focus on the prelude to the Gaze and not chattering away.  

Braco's Gaze is extremely unique, powerful and impacts each individual in an amazing spectrum of ways.

I can only tell you about my experiences.   The Gaze holds for each individual, Love, Light & Blessed assistance.

Then, another time, in the chat was a parent who was very worried about their teenage child.   And it happens, from time to time, there are those of us, who are fairly content that we are blessed and will offer to hold the intention of sending the Love & Light that comes from Braco for another.

This has happened several times.   And the chat dialogue is not always moving at the rate you are seeing a request and answering.   Sometimes it is, just like the 'collective unconsciousness'  says, I will hold your loved in the Gaze.   And you will see, in the chat dialogue box, six people say it within less than a heartbeats timing.

Now, one wonderful call for assistance came from one of the online users.   This person was worried about their health and was in crisis.   I asked them, 'May I hold you in the Gaze?'   The reply was Yes.   So, during that stream of the Gaze, I held an individual, I have never met, I had no idea what they look like, but yet I had this sense of connection to them.   Even more amazingly, was after the Gaze session.   This user replied to me, "I felt you in my heart!"

That was quite staggering and awe inspiring to me.

As I know for a fact, I had done nothing but focus my mind to bless another.   I know, any healing or energy felt by that person, was not from me, but rather like a mirror or a prism, reflecting the sun, I was able to offer blessing to another.
I know this because I have been working with subtle energies for sometime.   For some people, they may not be sure what I mean by that statement.   I started practicing Yoga as a teenager.   The physical practice of theYogic asana's teach us in understanding and aligning our chakra's.    These refer to energy centre's in the body.   In college I learned Tai Chi Chuan.   A practice for health, it is to me,  like dancing yoga.   But, Chi, is the word for sublime energy.    When practiced for a long time, you can manipulate your energy, but mostly this is used to strengthen oneself.    Sometimes a practitioner of acupuncture will say they add their Chi, again like a blessing to boost the treatment.

So, when I started working with the Reiki, I found that all my previous study;- Yoga, Tai Chi Chuan  & Chi Kung made my use of the techniques simple.   I could add the Reiki into my physical work, my daily Chi Kung practice and understanding of chakra's, meditation & the Chinese energy system all fell into place.

That is a very tiny nutshell of some larger topics.   I just want you to be able to grasp my meaning of subtle energy.

Now, I can tell you more about this recent Gaze session.

I am in my own little crisis with my house & the Landlord.   I am wanting to give my children a lovely, Christmas!   I have concerns about money and I am trying to get the energy I need, to feel good and peaceful at this time.   I mentioned in the chat room that I was struggling to join all the Gaze's I would like.   Then a beautiful soul paid for me to have the extra streams that I couldn't afford.   This community becomes more like family to me every time I log on!   It was a huge gift for me.   A much needed affirmation that I can be worthy of love & support.

Now, these Gaze session's are not vastly expensive.   There is a reason, even as a Reiki therapist we know we have to charge a fee, or ensure an exchange of energy.   This time, it could be, I send you Reiki Healing and you paint my fence.   That is what is meant by 'exchange'.    Though, I feel Braco could charge more for the sessions, I am grateful they are not expensive.   I am grateful for the community I have found with the online members.    I am grateful to have received the blessing of those sessions I couldn't pay for this December.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now, as the final sessions of the Miami 2012 were approaching, there was a thought dawning in my mind.   A user had written a post about, it is great that we ask for Our Greatest and Highest Good be brought to us in this Gaze, but what about the Earth?  

Defending Your Life

I recently purchased a copy of this 1991 film on DVD.

Now, I had seen this movie, years ago.

What I remember was the concept of our judgement after we pass from this existence to the 'spirit'.   I am not sure what prompted me to hit the Add to Basket that day on the Amazon.   I was purchasing another film with a deeper spiritual meaning.   And, I am glad I did.

Watching Defending Your Life today, there seemed an awful lot of those cliches we don't see in films anymore.   What I mean by that, is the waitress at the Diner, she is exactly what you expect, matronly and just a bit too friendly.   But that may be part of the point.   In the Albert Brooks view, the afterlife is made to fit our expectations.

In case you love an older film, that takes a bit of time to develop character and speed, unlike the movies of the past ten years, which are all about bombarding you with explosions and well manicured flesh.   I will try and refrain from spoilers.

Watching the film this time, I saw & heard the notion, we are judged if we allow Fear to be an excuse for any non action in our lives.   Then if we don't have a good defense, the Fear becomes a reason to send us for reincarnation.   So, equal to the words of Anita Moorjani, when we do not honour who we are, what we really want, we create disease, distress and perhaps life threatening illness.   I certainly wasn't raised to put myself before others.    My mother made sure that I knew, to serve Jesus, I had to give!   I had to give in Church and serve others endlessly.   All this, doing, in the hopes that my sins may be forgiven and a place for me in Heaven secured.

Now, for many years I was a seriously devout woman.   I read my Bible using a Daily bread guide for three years.   I used to use several versions of the Bible, liking the poetic style of the King James and yet for discussion the New International Version with plain text was better.   I  can remember, one day my neighbour  asking,"So, what is a sin?"   I was quite agog.   I had taken so much of what I learned as a little girl to be Gospel.   I never asked if there were soft sins, more important vices to be avoided.   I mean, you could say,"Follow the 10 commandments and you will be okay."   But, I heard a minister say, "As long as you confess all your sins and accept Jesus as your Savior before you die, you will be okay."   But does he know?

   What will we be judged on when we pass?

Now, when I look at the 10 commandments, I see actions that we take, that either hurts ourselves or our loved ones.   These are the things we are told not to do.   They all make sense,   don't tell lies about people, don't envy what your neighbour has, be faithful in marriage and don't kill the people that annoy you!    But I know, you have heard and I have heard, Jesus loves you.   No matter what.   And that is a big message from Anita's book, Dying to be me.   That thought, no matter what we do here, we are loved and taken to Heaven.   The concept, that I don't have to be, ticking the boxes, colouring in the lines, really turned my world upside down for days.

Really?   Even if I killed person?

The truth is, that it is True.   The divine has created a path for us to walk.   And it seems, even when we look to play the villain, there is compassion and understanding for the Why that took us to that place.

Then, there is a bigger commandment, make yourself no idols, worship no false Gods.   This is quite fascinating.  Because it seems, the film, Defending Your Life, Anita's book and even my favourite physical study, Taekwon - Do, all agree, there should only be One!   

Now, with the study of taekwon - Do, the concept of serving One King, is very important to modern living.   Many people get so caught up in 'the Rat Race'  they don't realize that 'work' can now claim them totally.    For so many people, the deflated response to extra training is, "I have to work!".    But work used to be a means to an end!    Nowadays, people are terrified to lose their jobs, even if they are unhappy there!   Even if being unhappy and dreading another shift is draining the life force out of them!   They need the money!   It is as if, they have put money before the pursuit of happiness.   Before having quality time and enjoying their family.


I do not have an answer for the current state of affairs.   I know, where I live, there are hundreds of people out of work, and hundreds to apply for each open position!  Many of the candidates well too qualified for the job.   So, I know, it is hard to get even a poor choice position, on a low wage!  I know!

The point is more, who are you serving!

If, you looked into your heart, and you asked, what do I really want?

And the answer is, I always wanted to paint.   I always wanted to work in the fresh air and sunshine.

Sometimes, the desires of our own heart gets so obscured by the desires of those we love and our family.   I know!   I am a mother.   I can tell you of year after year, putting my hopes and dreams on hold to stay at home and look after my children.   And sometimes now, I have to go to work, when all I want to do is, enjoy sometimes with my children.   It is very difficult to get a balance between what we 'do',  our jobs, our income, and what we dream of being.  Or dream of Living!

But I believe, we have to look.


We have to seek what is in our hearts.   

We need to awaken to what we really are, and that is one sparkling part of the Divine!

That is why, if we do not put ourselves, our hopes and dreams first;- we may end up living a lift that seems hopeless.

Do not be one of those who live lives of quiet desperation.   That quote first penned by Thoreau has lived for generations, it has survived that long because there is TRUTH in that statement.

It is all to common for us to stay in an unhappy alliance, because we think we are 'doing' the right thing.  

I have done it.   I have stayed too long in unhappy relationships.   I have stayed too long working with a Bully.   I needed it.  

I needed it, so that I would learn, I needed to learn, that my voice should wait any more to be heard.

You might not like my opinion.

You might think my belief in the realm of spirits and healing energy totally eccentric.

That doesn't matter, what matters is,
If you take this opportunity to figure out, exactly what you think.  And Exactly what your Heart Longs for you to do!

The Sun, Braco's Symbol, Remembering My Connection

About 6 month's ago, a wonderful vibrant soul guided me to Braco.

 Michele Blood, asked me if I had heard of Bratzio.   When I heard the name I thought, he must be Italian.    No, she spelled it for me, He is from Croatia.    She said to find his website at Braco-TV.com.  

Michele explained further,  "You see, if you want the vibrant states of health, peace and abundance, you really want to meditate daily and surround yourself with as much light as possible."  
Okay, I have even heard this concept from a more ordinary business model, that of one of the Sales Team Leaders from Herbalife.  She had rough times making sales and shared that she was told by her Mentor to go home!    This was strange to her, but he said, just go and read inspiring books.   This, was part of the way that she began to find more success.   What I believe the real message is, in this manner You are changing, what and how You feel on the inside.   This inner world,   Your inner world, this part of feeling and personal dialogue must be tended to.    As it is from that inner place, that the world responds to us.

Michele then said to me, "Usually there are 2 - 3 Enlightened  Individual's on the planet at one time.   You see, things are really changing, we have at least 11 Enlightened Individuals and you want to get as much exposure to them as possible."

Now, I had heard Brandon Bays talk about sitting and meditating with Masters.   This is one way to change your thought patterns to approach enlightenment.   It can take years of meditating in the presence of a Master, but

IT
Is the time honoured tradition of how the student can become a Master.

So, I had written down what Michele told me to do.    I  found the Braco-TV.com website and joined up as a member.

 Now membership is free!   So, this is not a hook to get you to throw money at the latest Hollywood Guru.   No!     The live streaming experience is, 'Cheap as Chips'.  That is what the British would say.   You can buy 1 on line stream for $3.   Yes, that is $3, I did not hit the wrong currency key by mistake.   So, for us in the UK it is even cheaper than chips!  Ha ha!


But what is it?   And why is the Sun Braco's Symbol?


This is my second posting about Braco.   But, it is because I feel his work is so important, true and relevant to everyone on the Earth today!    

{In saying that, I do not believe we all need to travel the same path towards healing and enlightenment.  No.   It is just that this 'gift'of Light through Braco is so immediate and simple.   You need to do nothing, no hours on your knees praying.  No penance   No fasting, no 5 am Yoga &  chanting session.   He adamantly has printed on the screen before and after the Gaze, that there is no Dogma to be found here.   So, the 'gift' of light is for you to receive and interpret.   That, is fabulous!
Being born and raised in the USA, I believe we each have our own amazing world within.   There is no one, set, prescribed way to live your life.   Or we would all be doing the exact same thing! }

So, my first Gaze session, I had that whole cynical voice in my head going, what?  he is just going to stand there?    But I also have spent years studying Yoga, Tai chi chuan, Reiki and subtle energies.  So I know that the energy can flow from his eyes.   But, I did have that voice in my head asking me if I knew what I was doing?    Then, the voice quieted and the tears came.  I mean, streaming tears and this feeling,  like, this longing had been in me for so long.   Such a lonely, unloved place within me that missed what it was that Braco was sending through his Gaze.   It was powerful, overwhelming and calming, all at the same time.

Now, this Sunce  is the Sun Symbol used by Braco.      As I understand, he made this as a gift for his mentor, Ivica.     In time, another would be made.  For a time, these pendants were worn by the 'inner circle' of volunteers.    Now, the pendant can be bought by those at a Live event.   Some even say there is healing energy available with these pendants!
I do not have any personal experience of this.   But I would love to go to a Live Event, I dream of taking my loved ones who are ill, and friends who I know are suffering,  to see Braco.    I wish to be a volunteer to witness them in the Gaze so they can have a taste of this healing.   I also, hope to have the money to purchase a Sunce just for myself!

Now this picture, is Braco!   Here he is, in a special building used for his work.   He had this room, the Onyx Room, made just for the Gaze sessions.   {I have to be careful, because I just called it healing sessions.   The energy from the Gaze is not to be labeled, it does what is in the Greatest and Highest good for All.}   But, notice the Sun symbol.   How it is always behind him, like a guiding force for his Gazing power.

So, I have experienced a number of Gazing sessions now.    My favourite, was when Braco was  in Hawaii.   He had 10 consecutive days of Gaze sessions available.   It was such a treat!   It was also too good to keep to myself, and I did have one friend that I trusted enough to share it with.

During those lovely days of having the chance to have two or three sessions of the Gaze, I learned more about Braco and his mentor Ivica.   I also learned that the Sun was his symbol.   But all this became more relevant after I bought and read Angelika Whitcliff's book,  21 Days with Braco.

The book gives those of us from a Western background a better understanding of all the reasons, why the Gaze is.

But,

But, as I was enjoying the story unfolding of how Angelika experienced her transformation through the Gaze,  I was reminded of how I used to just stand in the Sun as a young girl.

I have always call myself a Sun Worshiper.   I was not always tanning myself as a young girl, it was just so important to me to be outdoors, in the air & light.

Then, as life changes us, I too became more indoors, and when I was in college,  I would make it a habit to stop, turn my face to the sun and close my eyes.   I would just see this golden energy from behind my closed eyelids.   I would breathe as deeply and stand as long as I could, without drawing too much attention to myself.   But, in this manner, I imagined I was getting a quick charge of energy for the time I would be sitting in a lecture hall.    What I read in Angelika's book, connected me to a part of me I had forgotten.

It really woke that intuitive, trusting, in Love with the natural world around me,  part of Me! 

I hope that sentence makes sense to you.  

But I had forgotten how I used to do that.   I forgot how I just knew the Sun was an energy source!   And the more I read, how Braco decided that the shape of his Sun symbol had to be uneven edges, like, when you see the Sun shine through leaves of a tree?
 Even just hearing that description, reminded me of blissful days, 'just being' on the Earth,


And


{forgive me for sounding like a TV commercial}

But, Lovin' It!

 the stronger a connection I felt to him and his work.   That just reminded me of so many days of pure joy as a young girl.   That pure joy of being alive!   When you are a child, there is no worry about tomorrow, where  will the money come from, or how shall I provide for others?    This is the state of mind that I understand that  one achieves in Enlightenment.  


Angelika writes it so beautifully in her introduction;-

Destiny is calling.  To reach it we must reconnect to nature,  become child-like again in our spontaneity and love of simple pleasures, simplify our lives and reorganize our values to step away from our consumer driven ways to embrace an integrity of connection to the spirit within; to family, communities and our world.

Destiny is calling, and it is offering us opportunity, a gift to have back our happiness and strength, and it has come in the most unexpected of ways.


As I said, this is the second time I have written about Braco.   In an attempt to give you all the information you need to find his website and try an online stream.   Not because I am an affiliate member, but because, I know! I know, there are others out there whose hearts our holding longing and grief.    Because I know, your bodies struggle with constant pain everyday.   This is not how we are meant to live..

We are children,  we were given the Earth to enjoy and play on.  
We have lost our way, we need to connect to our truth, our divine soul light.   

That light, I believe you may find in Braco's Gaze.   As I shared with you before, I believe I spent moments in that space of Love, that Light at the end of the tunnel.  


Thank you Braco for sharing your Gaze!

Year 11

The year that I turned 11, was quite a turbulent year.   

Up until I was about 16 years old, I thought the reason why my mother was so angry was because of,  Me!   I thought, I was the cause of all her life's disappointments.   

{Just to be perfectly precise;-  That was how I felt.}

It is the same feeling, any child of divorced parents get, when they think, their parents' divorce is all their fault.   It isn't a logical conclusion, it is one based on feelings and impressions.    Probably the biggest factor in my conclusion, that I was the sole cause of my mother's anger and my parents divorce came when I was 11 years old.

We moved house, not only did we leave the house I had known for the longest period of time.   {My father was in the Navy so moving every few years was fairly common.}   But we had been in that house, 135 Weston Drive for 6 years!  The move wasn't just to a better area, we moved to another state, so we could be closer to my Dad's aging parents and within months, my grandfather died.

The start of school that year was stressful for me.   I can remember being so anxious, that I did not get a minute of sleep.  My brother and sister were a few years older and they were both in High School & Middle school,  respectively.   So I was dropped at the local Elementary school, which was not expecting me.

On that very first day, when any school teacher will tell you there is plenty to do, I was passed from one classroom to another.   It was as if I had walked in from the Twilight Zone.  There weren't any papers filled in, so no one knew anything about what school I had come from, nor which class I should be in.  {What seems very odd to me now is, why wasn't my mother there to fill in forms and permission slips,etc?   Why was I so insignificant that my first day in a new school would be left to no one checking to see if everything was in place?}

So, there are feelings of neglect and abandonment.   There is also Bewilderment, I wasn't able to give the adults the answers they were looking for, and they had no way to contact one who could!

However, someone did notice me.  There was a young girl in the class they finally decided was a good fit for me.  Patty sat at a desk all by herself, up on a little stage area.  She looked at me when I walked in and declared,"You don't belong here!"

Perhaps she was able to read the feelings in my heart, that I felt an outsider, a stranger and was desperately looking for ANY sign that I did belong.   But, whatever the reason that drove her to make her judgement on me, those words had a long lasting impact.    {It strikes me as funny to note, that in the many years since I thought about this one day, I can still recall the bizarre woolen vest she wore and her brown skirt.  All the details held in sharp focus,so that I could replay the pain of being an outcast in the small village culture that the Elementary school had already created.}  How was I to make friends and influence people?

So, my first day at my new school was far too stressful!

Because we moved, I had to say good bye to a wonderful friend.   I had left behind a friend that I had been close to for 5 years.   I think, Melissa Bunk and I were 'Best' friends on the first day of Elementary school.    Melissa had gone with us, on our family's annual two weeks to Rehobeth Beach together.   We made up songs, and performed them for my Granny.   We bought matching dresses and skirts.  We even had a crush on the same teenage boy at the Carnival games.   This was a special, close friendship.   So, it was hard to be in a place looking for a friendly face after having had the privilege of a friendship with warmth and like-minded play.

We saw each other again about 12 months after the move, but we were both quite changed by the experiences in our lives.  When I really think it over, it was probably that I had been through so much in such a short space of time.

To find another friend like that, was a Tall task.

I did make some friends.  I found myself in the fold of a group.   The leading girl told us, we needed to get Dale to break up with Yvonne.   I wasn't sure why, but I went along with her and the other girls and we told Dale.   That afternoon Dale did as he was told and Yvonne cried and begged in front of all of us.   I think, the point of that exercise was so the lead girl could date Dale herself.   The real effect of this afternoon, was the fact that Dale had an older sister, Gail.   Gail drove me home.   When she came in to see if I had supervision, she met my older Brother.   From that day, Gail was willing to have me over, drive me home, stay with me at the house.   Because she thought my brother was cute!

Anyhow, that group of people, they weren't really good friends for me.  It was really a clique.  I might have been lucky to have been snapped up by them, but really, I longed for the confidences and writing songs and dancing to music like I had with Melissa.  I wrote to her regularly those first few months.

Our move, was also a promotion for my father.  We now lived in a fancy house on the Naval Base.   It was one of five houses.  The Surgeon General lived next door to us.  His house was the biggest of all the five and had central position on our crescent.   There were no other living quarters near us.   That was also the word we used to describe our home, 'the Quarters'.  There was only one other family with young kids, so we would play with them often.
In many ways, this should have been a fabulous move for all of us.   We had a bigger house, I mean who doesn't want a bigger house?   There was very little to worry about, as there were guards who checked cars coming and going from the Base.  We lived in a very secluded area of the Base.   This meant, riding bikes, skateboards and playing out side was a safe activity.   There was a community pool, a bit too far for us to walk too, so we would go in the car.   But it also had the Officers' Club which we all went to once for a special celebratory meal.   I remember watching my mother and father dance that night.   It was the first night I tried filet-mignon.  I loved watching my parents dance, they were a beautiful couple.  I also really enjoyed the soft, luxurious meat I had that night too.

It was at some point, after my grandfather died that he came to see me.   That was a very traumatic night.

I think my parents found me quite a difficult child.  I was always told I had 'such an active imagination'.   You know, kinda in a huff, the way parents tell you what you just said is silly or unimportant!   Because, I remember climbing out of bed one night, and my mother desperately trying to talk me back into my bedroom.   I was trying to describe to her that the lights were keeping me up.   I could see, these little light bubbles moving about.  My father said, I had probably cut off the circulation some where.  He probably meant to my brain!
Do you know?   Just the other day, I was listening to a lecture from an Enlightened teacher talking about how some people perceive the presence of the divine.   {Can you guess what I am about to say?}
She described the movement of thoughts and energy forms, as tiny light bubbles!   So, every time I shut my eyes and they were there,  I thought, oh, I must make sure to lie flat!   Don't want to cut off any circulation!

Okay, so the last in the long line of trauma for this year, is . . .   {Drum roll}.   My father announcing he was moving out.   I stayed up all night that night!   But the tears and drama of that evening were truly only the beginning of the pain.  As, for some reason, my mother made me go to a psychiatrist.

This was my main reason for believing that, all those years as a little girl, when she was scrubbing the house to cleaner than Hospital sanitary standards;-  the venom with which she set about to house work and her daily exercise routine, had to do with her disappointment and frustration over, staying home with me.   Now, she never told me, I would like you to go.   She never offered it.   I was just sent.   Like I was just sent to a school that wasn't expecting me.  I was packed off to weekly meetings with a psychiatrist and I had no reason for why I was going.  

The real kicker for me was, neither my brother nor sister went.   So, I just sat there and said nothing.   I said nothing for fear of, if I opened my mouth and talked about seeing lights or my passion for dancing with the lights or my visit from my Grandfather.   I might never get to go home.

So, this last equation to this series of traumatic life changing events was the one that put me in shut down.  For the next 2 decades if anyone confronted me, I would just shut down.  It was my only way of self preservation.  

I guess it worked.  I am still here.  

However, there were many times when I needed a voice.  There were many times when I needed me, to stand up, just for myself.

Now, The best part!

 Welcome my brother's girlfriend.

So, flash forward to the age 16.   My brother is visiting home from College now, and he has brought with him his live in girlfriend.   She is kind enough to fill in all the blanks to my parents marriage and the divorce.  It made so much sense to me after that.   She really helped me begin to see that I wasn't the cause of my mothers anger.   That was a much need relief!  

You may not Like this . . .

I have held back many details of my relationship with my Ex Husband.

Part of the reason is that Fear, the fear that you might say, 'what a load of rubbish!'

But actually, I know that is his voice.   That is his criticism of me.  

I have pages of stories to share with you.  When I first starting writing my stories, of what I have seen as a child and what happened to me as I grew up in the mold of; - a Man dominates, a Man dictates, the Man in Your Life, is the 'Bringer of Life.'   Now that last statement I know comes from my Mother's thought patterns and I know she was determined that My Father should live, like a King in his own home.  But, her total commitment to this Paradigm meant that, without a Man or Husband there was no living.  

My Ex Husband taught me how flawed I was.  

He took every opportunity to fish in the cracks of my upbringing and personality.   I should, actually Thank him for it, as having a really intimate knowledge of what I fail at, I can be totally honest about, Who I am!

Now, for the last six years of my marriage, I spent my days crying and praying. 

I can remember, after one particularly difficult night, where the theme of our 'fight'  was about the fact that I should worship at the feet of my Husband for the fact that he went out to work and paid for me to live in his house and eat his food.  At the end of this battle, I was on my knees, face down on the carpet to demonstrate, what I thought He wanted.   What I remember of that evening was two things.  One, was a clear heavy presence in our home.  I can remember thinking in the morning, that I had been protected by all the praying I had been doing.   That the 'fight' itself had not escalated, that the fight had remained just a small matter of cross words and my subservience as;-  because of all the words and prayers I had whispered, we had a protective shield.

But I also remember, being on the floor like that, the tears and the utter shame of having to prostrate myself to my Husband and seeing that look of utter disgust in his eyes.  I was doing what he was shouting at me I should do, every time he returned home from work.   Then, he smugly turned on his heal and proclaimed I was "Pathetic for giving up my devotion to Jesus to worship him." 

I then carried the shame of 'turning' my back on Jesus.   I think that is probably when it started to become easier to imagining leave my Husband.   There was nothing left to hold on too.   If I had to worship Him, how could I truly live my life?   I didn't think my Husband was God.   Sometimes I didn't even think he was nice at all.   In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I felt any warmth for him in my heart.  I was just walking on egg shells, trying to get through each day without setting him off!  {Now there is no sexual reference there,}

I solely mean, igniting this angry, cruel darkness that resided within him.  

{In reading back over this now, Now. Seven years since the day I took my children and fled.  I wonder if that cruel darkness I always thought of as him, was more to do with that heave dark presence in the house.   You can call it Evil, but for searchers of higher consciousness, it is referred to as the Maya.  The Maya can shape us, be our lessons in this life.   But, rest assured, hard as the lessons are, there is no Devil to Fear.}

Now, I had my patterns, I would get the kids in the front room and put on CBeebies or some such show that they could enjoy, while I would try and get things in order.   So, this was my way to get the house  in a way that He would find acceptable.   Then I would feed the kids.   Normally, he would come in, see the kids, check that things were to his liking and head down the pub.   After dinner, there was clean up, stories, bath and bed time.  Sometimes it would be 9 pm before all that was finished.   Sometimes it would be later, depending on how the bedtime routine went.   Usually he would be back home by then, watching TV in the front room.

If he came home and I sensed that pull in my gut.   That queasy, stomach churning nervousness, I knew he was close to erupting, I would rush the process up.   {In order to get the kids away from his wrath.}  They weren't to blame that I was useless.

During the time that I was fully aware of the fact that I no longer held love or any form of affection in my heart for my Husband, he started to get more volatile.   I had a very good friend who helped me a great deal by listening to me.  She said to me,"Jesus did not die on a cross so you could suffer like this."  It was very liberating to know someone who was a Believer, also felt that I could break my marriage vow and still have the Love from the Divine.   Because I thought I would have to give up both.  My marriage and my devotion to Christ.   

So, things were getting worse between my Husband and myself.   I cannot remember the last time we had and physical intimacy.   {And I promise I will discuss in detail how one can have years of sex and know nothing about true intimacy & Love, it is a cutting and very exposing subject, but I promised and I am going to open that door for you.}   Because there is so much to understand about how even sex can be a weapon.  {And I believe culturally we believe women use sex that way, ie withholding the intimacy until they get what they want,}   But, in the same way that, a man having sex with you, doesn't mean he loves you.  I had to face, that although, we were married, there wasn't any real Love, Honour or Truth in our Holy Union.   Then I had to open my eyes to the fact that we hadn't 'made love' in nearly a decade.    

I believe that my Husband had a gut feeling that he was losing me.   He had struggled with my renewed confidence and the spark of strength that was growing within me from my Coaching job.   He had to push harder to keep me believing I wasn't strong enough to leave.   I can remember how confusing it was at times.   I would go to work and hear how Fantastic I was as a Pre School Gymnastics Coach.  Then I would come home and be told how disgusting and completely incompetent I was.   I felt confused and frustrated, how could both be true about me?

THEN . . .

There was a terrible, terrible night.   This horrific fight took place shortly after we had been to visit my family.   Now this cycle of cruelty became apparent only after I left and started to really open up to others who had a similar experience.  I am talking about the fact that, the mental abuse was always a continual onslaught before we got to my family, as well as, on the way back to our home.   What I couldn't see at the time, was that this was his way of keeping me in check.  Should I go home and be with my family and realize that I have the power, strength and perhaps even total support to leave him?   He had to ensure I could never see that as a possibility!   After this fight, I can remember he didn't go into work the next morning.  As this was still the summer Holidays' for the kids, they had no school or play groups.   It didn't take me long to decipher the sounds of him and the kids in the kitchen.

I would normally stay in bed or duck into another room where I could put on an exercise video, in the morning.   This was my way of staying out of his way.  But he hadn't left for work!  So, I went towards the kitchen, I wanted a lovely cup of Tea.  So, he was standing in the centre of the room watching the kids eat and I went along the wall side, this was the long way to go around him.

He must have been cutting fat off bacon because he turned and lifted the knife he was carving with and thrust it in my face.

"Tell the kids what you are planning to do?" he shouted and demanded.

To be sure, I had no plan.   I had, at that very point, just reasoned I had no fixed and  spiritually penalizing reason to stay.   I wanted to go to Heaven, but I never wanted my kids raised seeing this constant erosion of their Mother.  {Now, back then, all I knew was that I needed to live without constant Fear!}

This would be the final assault!    As, up until this moment, he had never carried out any physical violence against me in front of anybody.   He was quite happy to speak to me in the most horrible way in front of others at a party.   Or, he would happily belittle me in front of strangers at the airport.   So, he would mentally or emotionally abuse me around our children, but never any such serious physical threats.  But I knew this was a line he had crossed.  If he would hold a knife to my face in front of the kids over the thoughts that.

I
Might,
Be,
Planning,
To,
Leave.

What else would he do before their eyes?

This was very frightening.   I ran back to the bed room.  I grabbed the phone and rang my family.   Now, anyone with young children will tell you, you are up earlier than the average household.   So, when I rang my mother, my step Father answered.   He forbade me ever to ring them again, and I do, still, avoid it at all costs!  {Thank you very much for your understanding}

I then rang my Brother.  My Brother, as best he could over the phone, stood between my Husband and myself.  I can remember my husband saying to my brother how blatantly difficult I was to live with.  To which I shouted abuse.  I can't even begin to express to you, why I didn't just tell my brother, He just put a knife in my face, less that two inches from my eye!   You still want me to believe Love lives in my house?

It was the end.  Support from my family or no.   I had to get away from him.   He had no respect for me.  

I also think, in the scriptures, there is a reference to a man should Love his Wife as he Loves himself.   So, his lack of respect and cruelty towards me, also exists within him towards himself.   

Okay, so this super frightening situation had to happen to get me to truly wake up and pack up!

Now, my point in saying You aren't going to like this is,

Sometimes it takes hard medicine to get us well again.   Sometimes it takes those closest to us to give that terrible stuff over to us.

I didn't like any of the belittling and cruelty that he handed me, but I hadn't got the lesson the first time!

I had to learn, to be True to Myself.  

I had to learn, that I am Important, and my beliefs are valid.   If the person I am with does not support me as I am, I am better off without them in my Life!   Regardless of whether we had matching $600 dollar rings on our third fingers.   None of that matters.

I also had to learn that the Love of the Divine was in me, with me, and would never leave me.

Even if, I, was the one to take a carving knife to a face.

One of the ways that I find helpful in realizing the Gifts that we are given by the experiences in our lives, is for me to think of the people, as if they are characters in a Dramatic Production.   That way, they individuals can still hold their Divine Beauty.  

Because, there were many years I did love the man that I married.

If I hadn't been deeply devoted I wouldn't have been so shocked and crushed that he so easily became like some rogue henchmen from the Spanish inquisition.

What has been hardest for me to make peace over and quell the questions that endlessly prevail in my mind, Why?  Why would my Soul mate treat me in this manner?   When I would never turn on him?
But, now is the time.  It is time to release these wounds and be grateful for the beauty of lesson.

I have so much to be grateful for.   I have insight into the importance of my Dreams.

I have insight into the fact that it is Easy to tear someone's confidence down.

It takes True strength of character, to care enough about someone else to work to build up their confidence!

That is one of the things I would really love to do for you!   I would love for you to know, you are beautiful, you are worthy, and there is nothing you can do that will stop Divine Love from supporting you!